To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

Oxygen mask? She has chosen a country and venue that will cause problems for her parents. Fine she isn't bothered if pita db <with LD> doesn't go but to put her parents in this impossible position?!

Oh but it's mn where 'your wedding your rulez hun!' is the mantra.

There is not any emotional blackmail involved. My post was in response not to the OP but another poster but I forgot to ‘quote’.

Yhe if he’s using the women’s loo he will probably get battered. There’s so many things that could go wrong. Please don’t feel bad OP.

If any of her finance's relatives came to the one in England, he still couldn't come anyway, because of his behaviour. So I'm not sure having it in the UK vs fiance's country makes a difference. He couldn't be invited to the wedding no matter where it was held.

ETA her parents also put themselves in this position but enabling him for years and not getting help much earlier.

Have you read all of ops posts. Prior to his delusion she spent lots of time with him taking him to events concerned with his other interest. Shes lived with him her whole life and by the sounds of it the whole family dynamic was geared around him. Its the aggressive insistence that everyone panders to his delusion and the way he presents and the blackmailing by self harm that she dislikes. And you dont have to like someone because they are related to you or have disability. My kids activily hate their autistic brother because hes a twat to them.
If I had a relative who insisted that they had the right to wear a overly sexualised clothes to my wedding there's no way in.hell they would be coming. Male or female. This is one day where you are the centre of attention, the start of your new life. Stand fast OP. Two parties. Help for the future for dp and db, insist you are not his future carer.
BTW, what has led him down this path? Does he have unrestricted internet usage(which as hes an adult is reasonable). I'd be concerned that there is an overlap in his autogynophilia and violent self harm, which would point to specific porn categories

“Every single bloody family event always has to be adapted to my brother’s needs. It’s not fair on my partner to expect him to bin off the wedding he wants with his family.”

Your parents have let you down badly. They have always prioritised your brother and continue to do so, even letting him dictate how he will be at your wedding. If they’re not willing to consider respite care (and it should be their choice not your brother’s) then I wouldn’t have any of them attend.

You need to continue your therapy and recognise how little your parents care about you. They are as much of a problem as your brother.

It would be supportive, loving and kind to not put the burden of that on OP at all, given that she’s had to sacrifice enough throughout her life already for the benefit of her brother.

They are not her responsibility. If ‘empathy’ means expecting OP to bear a burden that isn’t hers, then I’m glad to have dodged that missile.

She has fallen in love with a man from abroad.
She is marrying where his family are.

Ditch the Xenophobia

It's fantastic that you have so much empathy for the parents. You might want to consider having some empathy for the OP too.

OP I voted YANBU even before I read all of your updates. No question in my mind that he shouldn’t be invited.

I also see you’re exploring therapy to try and cure what I believe are perfectly reasonable feelings to have in your situation! I hope the therapy is helping you, but I certainly don’t think you should feel guilty for feeling the way you do.

He is a danger to himself and to others. Sounds to me like he needs to be sectioned and treated appropriately for whatever is wrong with him.

The parents who are harbouring someone violent but apparently doing nothing but indulge him-l and neglect their other child?

@SalitnanI'm putting myself in your mum's shoes. I would want you to have a lovely wedding and would totally understand how your brother could ruin things. She's suggested doing something with you afterwards and presumably they could join the ceremony online in some way?
So go ahead with your plans without them, but they seriously do need to involve adult social care ASAP. He needs supported living before your parents are finally completely ground down and unable to care for him physically or mentally.

Her parents don't sound neglectful, they actually sound very understanding, it's not their fault their son has learning disabilities. OP wants them at her wedding...they have probably had to miss out on a lot due to the brother, and they thoroughly deserve to be there. I really hope OP is able to find respite care for her brother so they can come.

No it's not about her parents. It's not about her choice of venue - she has a partner to consider to. Whom she is allowed to consider. She is allowed to say this isn't going to work.

If her brother is liable to kick off at a wedding due to his beliefs, then she is allowed to prioritise everyone else.

Her parents are still making an adult decision not to even approach the subject of respite. They could choose this if they really wanted to attend the wedding.

There are a hell of a lot of safeguarding issues and there is parental abuse at play which her parents are not ready to admit they are suffering. The OP can't change this. Changing the wedding venue to the UK wouldn't solve a lot of the problems here around the situation and the presence of the parents/brother at the wedding.

OP may be having to make a choice about her future and it may be about choosing the love and support of a partner who loves and respects her over her family who are actively dysfunctional and harming her wellbeing. We can't shy away from this but it may be the right decision for her (and ultimately for the family too in an indirect way)

She matters too.

Sometimes situations like this need to hit a crisis point before those involved are willing to make those necessary changes for the better and in their own best interests.

It's like the alcoholic in denial. You can't 'save' everyone. Pretending it's not a problem and that you are coping is counterproductive. The OP can't force her parents and siblings to get the necessary help to improve their own lives. She can make an active choice in whether she wants to be dragged down with that.

Often a withdrawal of enablement will trigger events which make things better in the long term.

This situation clearly isn't just about the wedding venue and anyone trying to make out it is doesn't get it.

Please have the weddings you and your fiancee want. You are NoT responsible for your brother. He sounds very manipulative as well as mentally ill. You must put boundaries in place because you & your husband must come first once you are married or you will end up ill, with no marriage. You are not your brother keeper just because you have been made to feel 2nd best all your life by your parents this marriage can be the turning point put yourself 1st please. This has to stop

The op describes herself and childhood as neglectful. Are you calling her a liar?

Christ I had to check I hadn’t written this because I’m in the exact same situation . Get married in the beautiful country abroad and if your parents don’t go that’s on them. I do feel sorry for them but they’ve chosen to keep an abuser in their house so they’ve made their bed. When my brother came out as trans I told my mum he would never be at my wedding or be a part of my kids lives because frankly I am embarrassed by him pretending. To female. You have the wedding you want an deserve.

OP said herself that they were neglectful of her.

I guess she can simply leave her parents to it . And her brother. It is a choice she can make.

I agree that it doesn’t automatically follow that you should be involved with and entwined to your biological family forever. For whatever reason things sometimes go wrong.

But OP clearly loves her parents. She talks about her poor mum and how she feels sorry for her. Despite the issues growing up. And she has come on here for advice. Helping them find support for him would help them a lot.

But as you say she could always just walk away from them all. But I suspect that would give her additional problems, not resolve any.

This post nails it.

He needs serious help from social services and your parents need to be honest with them. social services can assess his needs and offer respite, in the home if needs be. He is holding your parents hostage.
I have a sibling with mental illness and same dynamic. I don’t mind but didn’t have a wedding because knew the focus / stress / anxiety would be all about them. I know people will say different but probably they don’t have inappropriate mentally ill siblings.

Maybe not but her parents could potentially have attended but by picking his home country she excluded them too.

And the point is, she is stating he would not be well received in her partners home country but she choose that home country, I don't blame here but be honest about it.

People who marry abroad often need to do that anyway, as marriage ceremonies conducted in churches overseas often aren't recognised in the UK.

If you had a civil ceremony here, OP, your sibling and parents could come to that, and sibling wouldn't need to know that the overseas event was anything but a party.

What annoys me here is that if this were an NT man who wasn’t transgender behaving in this way (threatening and manipulative behaviour) everyone would overwhelmingly be in support of the OP.

He is a violent man who has threatened his mother with a knife and recently wrote a violent threatening note.

This man shouldn’t be a ANY wedding, wherever it is. For the safety of other guests