To exclude sibling from wedding due to their lifestyle choice?

[Salitnan]

This will be incredibly identifying to anyone who knows my family and quite controversial but it’s such a bloody niche situation that nobody can relate to and it’s hugely stressing me out. I’m not writing this as ragebait or to troll, it is a genuine situation I am dealing with.

I’m getting married next year. My partner of 5 years is from a very traditional, right-wing Eastern European country. My partner however is very tolerant and chill, as are most of his immediate family who also live in Western countries.

We’ve decided to get married in his home country, as it’s very affordable there and we can have a beautiful package in an area of outstanding natural beauty, and he can invite his dear godparents who he adores (and they adore him) who are scared of flying.

This is all well and good but one of my family members is presenting an issue. My brother (who is an adult in their mid-20s) has a learning disability. This is not a problem, but in the past year they have come out as transgender. This has been a massive struggle for us as there were no signs previously and it came out of nowhere, and they have insisted they are going ahead with the transition and they self-harm if anyone misgenders them or politely reminds them of etiquette in public places regarding toilets, or wearing appropriate clothing for a social situation etc. It has been extremely hard work for my aging parents, he lives with them full time. The learning disability alongside being transgender makes them massively vulnerable and they get stared at in public and often started on when in the city centre by lads, and they aren’t aware of their vulnerability. They insist on dressing incredibly provocatively (wig and heels, provocative clothes) as they say they feel insecure otherwise, and when I have tried to explain to them that women don’t necessarily dress like that, they self-harm. They insult people in public, not to their face, they will say it to my mum (will whisper in her ear “he looks like a twat”), but sometimes people have overheard and started on him and my mum has had to explain about his disability and fend them off.

I’m already in therapy to deal with complex feelings towards them from how they dominate my parents lives and how I felt neglected as a child due to the focus on them and their vulnerabilities. The recent coming out as transgender has brought up a lot of old resentment I had towards him which I had buried, and I’m trying to have the therapy so that I can have a bond with him going forward, but I can’t help but feel a sort of anger at him, and I hate myself for it.

Back onto the wedding topic - I’ve realised I simply don’t want them at the wedding. My fiancé’s family are nice people and wouldn’t be a danger to my brother but many of my fiancé’s extended family members are from a small isolated village in a Catholic Eastern European country and he will be stared at like a hawk, whispered about. To he quite frank he will stick out like a sore thumb with his clothes and hair. As awful as it sounds I will be embarrassed by him and on edge, and won’t be able to enjoy my day. My partner says he’ll notify everyone in advance that my brother will be there and what to expect but I just really can’t be doing with the stress of it all. It’s not just family it’s the the staff in the hotel, other members of the public around who might be drinking, and they will need to stay in the country a few days around the ceremony so lots of opportunity for things to go wrong. They have severe social anxiety due to their learning disability and have been known to sneak alcohol as a way to deal with this and this further increases their vulnerability as they lose their filter and say their mind in front of people.

I did try to compromise and said to my mum I’d be happy to have them if if they would be willing to tone down their dress in order to come to the wedding - dropping the wig and toning down their clothes, but they have become angry at this suggestion and have refused.

I’ve told my mum it may be the case that I can’t invite them, and therefore my parents can’t come either as they are his carers. My mum says she understands and we can have a do later on back in the UK.

I just want my day to not be dominated by him. I also don’t want to have to change the wedding plans that me and my partner are happy with just to suit him. Am I an awful person?

I’m going to give you the advice I post on basically every wedding thread: do whatever feels right for you. It’s a day about celebrating love and the couple. I wish I’d put my foot down about certain things at my wedding. Don’t get me wrong I had a good day, but if I could go back I would do it differently.

Is there no one else who could have him for a few days? Rest bite care service?

It's not 'small minded' to be wary of a large aggressive and violent male, especially one who puts a knife to people's throats!

many of the problems you’re now anticipating were baked in the moment you chose a traditional, conservative country for the wedding

In all fairness, @prettypickle, I'm not sure this kind of behaviour would be welcome at many UK weddings either

After all it's hardly just a bit of stimming or involuntary noise OP's describing, especially now violence has started to enter his behaviour

I don’t know. I went to a colleague’s wedding & met her 25 year old DC who is a trans woman.

The DC is very obviously trans (unlike one of my friends who has fully transitioned surgically to being a woman & had facial surgery too, you would never guess my friend had been born male).
So my colleague had her DC as a bridesmaid; dressed like the other adult bridesmaids in a pink dress with a long haired wig, and yes, they did stand out somewhat but my colleague & her DC were both happy in that they had a role to play in the wedding & were a part of the celebrations.
Maybe you could find your sibling an actual role in your wedding OP, that would make them feel included & at the same time would help to introduce them as part of your family? But only you know how you will feel about that.

It doesn’t matter what the reason behind his behavior is, it doesn’t negate the trauma that has been inflicted on her as a result of it. Nor does it oblige her to like or want to be around him.

Why would she have a wedding she doesn’t want in order to include someone she doesn’t like? To prioritize parents that haven’t prioritized her? Fuck that.

I appreciate your translation

There’s every possibility that he will react very badly on the Wedding Day. If some of his behaviour is functional in bringing the attention back onto himself and he has complicated feelings about OP getting married and moving on with her life he could be very unpredictable. He would also be in an unfamiliar environment with people he doesn’t know. He would probably cope much better with a second small ceremony in the UK.

Its one thing to exclude a sibling that you don't get on with.
But excluding your Mum from your wedding sounds quite harsh.

Will the Balkans certificate class as a legal marriage in the uk? If not, could your Mum come to the actual, legal, register office wedding, and be a witness, and have a very posh meal with you afterwards? I think you need to include her in some way.

I actually think his learning challenges are a red herring here. Yes, hes clearly very immature- which is not unusual in this sort of situation - but he has absorbed some of the worst aspects of trans culture. I wonder if he is accessing content online and this hatred of women (ironically dressed up in a supposed desire to be one) is resonating with him because his life IS restricted. I also cant help suspecting this is impacted by the timing - your wedding, you being centre of attention etc.

This is a bit of a lift field suggestion, but if he IS accessing content of the more extreme sort, what about trying to get him to watch more balanced content? Bearing in mind he does not necessarily have the intellectual capacity for proper debate and reasoning, this could be a way in? I have come across a few influencesrs like this over the years. The only one I can remember right now is Alexa someone. Let me see if I can find their page.....

The reality I am afraid is that many European attitudes around disability would often shock people in the UK. They can often have backward attitudes towards it. Very backward.

It would be too much for him to go. And of course sadly, your parents. It would almost be unkind.
I would have some sort of celebration when you are back in the UK. You need two weddings almost.

You call him ‘them’ or ‘they’ as if he is more than one person. Which comes across as very cold. He may have learning difficulties but he will pick up on how you feel and think towards him.

The self harm and transitioning needs help from a mental health assessment. Your parents should not try to cope with his problems alone and independently. He needs qualified medical people. Please help your parents and him find this support. He may well need to be assessed in a hospital environment. Threatening to kill himself and self harm would be enough.

He has learning difficulties. The world will be a very frightening place for him.
He may seriously feel his problems will be all sorted out if only he was not a man. He is likely to have picked up information about changing sex from the TV etc. His hormones of course will have been really firing on all cylinders in the last few years. People who have learning difficulties have sexual feelings the same as people without learning difficulties. Something that can be hard to accept. They don’t remain children.

But please firstly get your parents and him the medically qualified assistance and support they need. A GP will respond to a plea for help. Other organisations will be able to advise.

OP, have the wedding you want. Furthermore, don’t feel like you have to provide a second event in the UK either in order to include him either. You don’t. You don’t have to bend over backwards to accommodate your brother or your parents. They are not your responsibility.

Enough with the emotional blackmail.

Realistically would he even be safe in this country? He could say something, and if there’s a language barrier your mum may well not be able to get him out of it. People may well understand “he looks like a twat” but not understand your mum’s explanation that he has a learning difficulty.

We didn't have a do in the UK despite pressure from family to do so. The whole point is that the presence of these relatives not the wedding location was ultimately always the issue.

This is a similar scenario.

Taking the trans issue out of this it honestly sounds like you wouldn't relax on your wedding day or enjoy it if your brother attended full stop.

Weddings are supposed to be about the couple. I think you have endured years of your brothers behaviour and manipulation of your parents.

Your allowed to have your wedding day about you and focused on you.
Don't invite him. Invite your parents if they can sort restbite care but otherwise explain you understand.

He is mentally ill, that's not intentionally being a disrupter, transgender aside, mentally well people do not react like he does. The parents need help as the position they are in is not sustainable. There is no clear cut right or wrong here.

A complete lack of empathy towards your parents and your brothers predicament is selfish. Being supportive and assisting where you can see a need is required is responsible, kind and loving.

In response to the post that you don’t have to help your parents as they are not your responsibility.

Where does your brother get the money from to buy so many things that he is cluttering up your parents’ house? And how does he buy the women’s clothes- online or in shops? Either your parents are facilitating this or, if he can do it do it independently, perhaps he is not as disabled as he presents…

He wouldnt. He couldn't cope with the situation. He can't go. It would be irresponsible of the OP to invite under the circumstances. She is safeguarding him in not inviting him.

(This reframing is accurate and I hope the op takes it onboard as helping her with her own guilt over the situation).

Again. Enough of the emotional blackmail.

The OP is allowed to put her oxygen mask on first.

Of course you’re not an awful person for wanting to keep your brother safe but also wanting your wedding to be about you.

@Salitnan I would 100% have the wedding that you want and exclude him. I would not feel bad about it at all. This day is about you and your fiance.

I got married 20+ years ago and was guilted into having family members there who sexually abused me as a child. All because I wanted to keep the peace and please everyone else, specifically my parents. I’ve regretted that decision every day since.

Please think of yourselves on this day, it’s about you, not him x

Presumably PIP

So, I’d say that it’s fairly clear that someone like that cannot get on a plane, fly to a foreign country and attend a wedding which will be a high stress event for them (you’ve mentioned social anxiety) and will involve alcohol. He could end up arrested.

This however is much more accurate.

The parents are not coping with the situation.
The OP is not coping with the situation. She isn't able to provide the support her brother and parents need. It is beyond her ability and capacity.

They all need outside support.

It is not appropriate or safe for her brother to attend the wedding under the circumstances. It probably wouldnt be even if it was in the UK either tbh.