AIBU to suggest my elderly parents move to a more suitable home?

[SooPanda]

Off the back of reading a thread about an adult whose elderly parents don’t want her to buy a house with narrow stairs and no downstairs loo..
My elderly parents live in a nice house with very narrow stairs and no downstairs loo.

They are both 75/76 years old and although my dad is in good health my mother has trouble with her knees and lungs and needs oxygen to get around.

I don’t know how to broach the subject of moving, or whether I should broach it at all.

AIBU to suggest they downsize before it gets too hard to do so happily?

Their house isn’t suitable for adaptations but my dad keeps redecorating and making improvements to the aesthetic without mentioning the practicalities.

I live about 45 minutes away with 3 children at school. They visit us every other weekend and I know that soon I will need to visit them instead, which is fine as part of the routine and I know it was my choice to move away (they live in an area that used to be nice but now is bad for schools and crime) but I worry what’s going to happen when mum can’t do the stairs anymore.

I want them to move while they’re still
able to do so without struggling. AIBU?

Not easy,is it worth them moving, and what is suitable and affordable on market

I am in a similar situation with my mum (76) who lives in a flat 4 flights of stairs up with no lift. She refuses to engage in any discussions about moving, as has lived there for over 30 years now!

I would position it as being concerned about the distance when they aren’t able to drive any more. Realistically with 3 school age DCs who presumably have clubs and commitments, visiting every other weekend and using up a large chunk of that day is going to be tough on you and possibly not feasible. And that’s before they get to the point where it’s no longer a social visit and you’re providing support.

Go lightly and plant the seed. It’s all you can do.

Would they move to be nearer you? You could always suggest that.

Would the narrow stairs fit a stair lift? That could be a good compromise to start with.

It’s worth them moving in the sense that they could get a more manageable place, that will see them through to old age, without needing too many difficult / expensive adaptations and get it decorated how they like before it gets too hard for them.
Their house is prob worth around 400k and bungalows are about 300k round their area, same in my area tbh

Oh god. What do they expect to happen?

I worry that the expectation has already been set. They’ve visited me for years while the kids were small. It’s almost like it’s my “turn” soon and I’m dreading it as you say the the kids have clubs, etc.

I’d love them to be closer but it doesn’t feel my place to try to uproot them.

I think raising the subject is absolutely fine. It's just a suggestion.

I’m not sure a Stanna could be installed on the narrow stars. The only person i know has one has very wide stairs and it takes up the whole thing. Also when I broach it I get “well we don’t need it yet”

Am I being selfish though wishing they lived closer? Will it make it sound like I don’t want to make the effort for them? I worry about them spending lots of money on modifications to the house that won’t actually see them through to old age and they’ll still end up needing to move but it’ll be harder for them. But does that make me sounds secretly like I’m worried about them spending all their money? (I’m not!)

It's probably 10 years too late as moving is such an effort even when you're young and healthy.

You could try asking them though, maybe suggest they could move a bit closer to you so they could help you with the kids (hence not so you can keep an eye on them!) then show them a few suitable properties.

Definitely broach this now. I tried when my mum was 85, but tbh it was too late and way too much for her to consider at that age. Mid-70s - they could still cope with a move.

whether they’d move local or nearer you is a question. If they have community and friends the locality is important, but as they get older you may need (if you can and are willing) to help out more and the 45 mins would become an issue.

my mum is 95 now and I visit 3/4 times a week just to keep an eye on her. I’m only 15 mins away though, so it’s not a big deal.

We went through this with elderly grandparents in an unsuitable house and it was a nightmare. They didn't want to move and it really soured their relationship with their kids in their later years as it was such a struggle to keep them safe.

We’ve just moved for this very reason. Both retired, and both have health issues that affect mobility. We were in a terraced house with no upstairs loo. Moved to a lovely semi detached bungalow and don’t regret a minute of it. Wish we had done it years ago! We can see out our days in this place and if we needed a wheelchair we could manage perfectly well.

YANBU it makes complete logical sense.

BUT don’t be surprised if they don’t want to. Sew the seed well but don’t let it become a battle, for your own sake.

Just be honest with them about your concerns and have a kind, caring conversation about it. You're only having these thoughts because you love them and want to be able to support them when they need you. That's a good thing. They're probably already having these thoughts themselves but are just not voicing them yet. I think it would be worse if you hadn't considered this, as it would mean you care less. Did they ever have their own elderly parents to help care for? If so, maybe remind them of that and they may see it from your point of view.

75 is not elderly

YANBU to suggest something but they will be at liberty to ignore your suggestion. I would expect them to have thought about it already and possibly rejected the idea.

In some ways not having it is good because it will keep them climbing stairs longer. But in general the whole thing is fraught with difficulties and emotions. Not easy.

They have probably left it too late, the time to tackle all that is around state retirement age. Almost every much older person I know gets a bit more set in their ways. I’m 60 and not at that stage but I think it’s liking familiarity and it feeling safe. I’m sure a mountain climbing 80 year old is now going to dispute that on this thread but that has been my experience. MIL refused to move in her early seventies, we are a 3.5 hour drive away on a good day, can be far more depending on how the devils arsehole that is the M25 is feeling on the day.

She will just have to manage, we are not relocating back down South ever and we have lived in the Midlands and then the North for longer than down South now.

It’s not your place to uproot them but you explain exactly why it’s an issue. I’m possibly a heartless bugger but I have always been very much decision made by you means you live with it and don’t expect me to change my life because of your decisions. If DS and his GF settle down which is looking increasingly likely she has said she wants to live near her family when they have children. We get on well with her family and live just an hour from them but will relocate within 20 to 30 mins of where DS settles.

If they expect lots of visits and help then they need to think long and hard aboit relocating. Though to me 45 mins isn’t that much.

We have narrow stairs and an awkwardly arranged hallway but did find a company who fitted us a stair lift. Might be worth googling around. Not sure it is allowed to post the name of the company

Having been through this with my parents, I'd bring it up but with low expectations that they will listen. They absolutely should move before they need to and I intend to do that when I retire/kids are moved out. It becomes harder and harder as you get older. My parents went from driving themselves around, fully independent to totally dependent in the space of a month because of a major health event. I had tried to convince them as they got older to move near family, move to walking distance to shops/GP etc but they just wouldn't listen. Because of that bad choice, we then spent months in crisis mode. Had they listened, my Mum's final months could have been a lot easier for both of them, with a lot less stress and conflict. I will never understand why they were so dismissive of our input when we only wanted what was best for them. I assume I will end up being just as difficult, it seems to me that people get old and just won't take advice or input or make rational decisions. If your parents remain 45 minutes away, you will end up running yourself ragged trying to help when the inevitable crisis happens (and it will happen, old age and failing health is a reality). I am a flight away and still found myself having to manage work, my own children and flying back and forth to try to help because they just would not make decisions that would have eased that burden on me and my siblings. Everyone should plan their older years around what their needs are likely to be (for example, what happens when they can no longer drive, are they walking distance to shops? What about when they can no longer manage to cook or clean, do they know what they will do to manage that)? My parents planned for NONE of that and then refused all external help, my Mum would have sat there and starved and my Dad would just sit there in dirt and dirty clothes, it was all so irrational and put a huge burden on their children). So I'd raise it and I'd pose questions like the ones I've posed above and see if you can get them to articulate what they think would happen if and when one or both of them become unable to live as they live today. Good luck.

L

That’s why it’s good to broach the topic now before they become too physically and mentally unwell to countenance a move.