AIBU to suggest my elderly parents move to a more suitable home?

[SooPanda]

Off the back of reading a thread about an adult whose elderly parents don’t want her to buy a house with narrow stairs and no downstairs loo..
My elderly parents live in a nice house with very narrow stairs and no downstairs loo.

They are both 75/76 years old and although my dad is in good health my mother has trouble with her knees and lungs and needs oxygen to get around.

I don’t know how to broach the subject of moving, or whether I should broach it at all.

AIBU to suggest they downsize before it gets too hard to do so happily?

Their house isn’t suitable for adaptations but my dad keeps redecorating and making improvements to the aesthetic without mentioning the practicalities.

I live about 45 minutes away with 3 children at school. They visit us every other weekend and I know that soon I will need to visit them instead, which is fine as part of the routine and I know it was my choice to move away (they live in an area that used to be nice but now is bad for schools and crime) but I worry what’s going to happen when mum can’t do the stairs anymore.

I want them to move while they’re still
able to do so without struggling. AIBU?

OP - I went through the same thing 18 months ago. When my parents came to visit, it became apparent that my mum's motability issues worse than she led on.

I suggested that her (74) and dad (82) needed to consider downsizing, with a view of possibly moving closer to us. My dad was on board but mum took some to convince but she didn't like the new neighbours next door and the local area was getting more run down so they decided to move.

They went from a 3 bed Victorian terrace in East London to a 2 bed semi detached bungalow in the south west, 30 mins away from us. My mum's admitted she still doesn't feel totally settled but she doesn't regret making the move.

I'm just relieved that we were able to move them into a bungalow whilst they were still mobile.

I think alterations (not now but when they actually need them, except maybe the loo as that can take longer) are more practical than moving house. Climbing the stairs several times a day could be the only form of exercise some people are getting, I’d not take them away. Put in handrails when they need it, stair lift later etc. Why disable people when you can make the space work for them?

Absolutely- sometimes health fails very quickly at this age, then the other parent’s health can be affected trying to manage to care for them in an unsuitable home. Can you frame it more in a ‘we’d love to spend more time with you/ you have more time with the kids whilst they are young? They’re growing and will probably want to do more activities and want you to be involved.’ It’s soul destroying pulling yourself in different directions to support ailing elders whilst your partner/ kids/ job need you. Generally hits whilst you’re going through peri/ possibly experiencing some health issues yourself, and can have a significant impact on your own health and wellbeing. If they won’t move, then have that conversation now about how much you will be able to support them, how able (financially and willing) they are to accept outside help if you can’t be there to support them more because of distance. Sort out wills/ POA/ knowing where/ who to contact for bills etc if your support is needed suddenly. Putting their heads in the sand at this stage just means that they are passing on to you the sometimes impossible job of trying to sort things out at some point in the future.

Actually rereading your OP, why not try a different tack. Speak to your DF separately without your DM, say you’re concerned about her mobility and her health. Ask if they’ve thought about what they are going to do when she can’t get up the stairs any more. Don’t offer any solutions or suggestions at this point. See what he says. It may be that deep down he already knows that they will need to move, but that conversation needs to be surfaced, or he may not have given it any thought at all and he really does need to think about it.

I’d just drop it into conversation next time they mention their health - i’d say why don’t you think about getting a bungalow closer to me as then I can pop round more often to help out etc, you’ll be closer to your GC. It seems people get stubborn as they get older so if its a no, you’ll have to leave them to it. Some people never move, but without a downstairs loo and on oxygen that’s hard. My dad was on oxygen and had a stair lift fitted and at the end, even getting from the bed to stair lift was hard.

And not far off from 80, which (in my experience from parents and in-laws) is when things start going pear shaped.

My parents also slowed down a lot between 75 and 80 and their health issues started to have a lot more impact. In their case they both got dementia which became notice at around 80 so they needed a lot more of my time.

My parents made their final move at ages 86 and 78 when they moved into a rented 2 bedroom Extra Care Housing apartment specifically for over 55s with health issues where there was a team of onsite carers, onsite management, a restaurant, residents lounge, hairdressers and church. It was a real community where they could live safely and supported within the development. And it was up north in a working class town and not ridiculously expensive.
https://www.housing21.org.uk/

They moved from a 2 bed flat they owned in another sheltered housing development that they lived in for 5 years (before that they were in their post retirement bungalow but it was isolating as they aged and got less active). Moving from an owned property into rented was easier as they moved into the new flat and I helped to get them settled and then helped them get their old flat ready to sell. It wasn’t as much of a big bang move as when you are in a house chain and have to fully vacate the owned property on moving day.

Maybe OP you could show them some details of some places you think would be more suitable for ‘when the time comes’ so they are able to look at them without feeling pressured to make a decision now. Then you can discuss pros and cons of staying, moving closer to you, living in an elderly community etc in an abstract way but it plants the seed and opens their minds instead of getting them immediately defensive about getting older and thinking you are saying they can’t cope.

Thanks all lots to think about. I think it’s best brought up casually so I can test the water. If I start looking for bungalows they’ll get their backs up. It’s sad but old age is inevitable, I wish it wasn’t so hard to talk about

I would broach with them moving somewhere more suitable - especially if their bathroom is not accessible.

However if they have a good support network they may not want to move closer to you. I know my dad has a very active social life where he is and being close to us would not replicate that. I have to work and also manage kids clubs etc so would have limited time in the week. It sounds like you are in a similar situation. I would think carefully about how much time and what support you would be able to provide if they were closer to you and whether it would be enough.

My dad moved very locally to a place that can support him if he needs it in the future which means less worry for both of us.

You can mention it but it is totally up to them. I don't really see why they should move before they need to if they don't want to though. Maybe they will never need to.

Of course it will get their backs up if you start looking for houses for them!. Wouldn't it annoy you if it was the other way around. I wouldn't dream if interfering with my parents lifes like that. Assuming they are okay cognitively they can do their own house searching if they want to.

I can’t see them happily living in their current house and coping in their 80s though. My mum struggles to get up the stairs, in and out of the bath, etc. My dad is healthy but he won’t be able to help if she has a fall, she’s much larger than him. I know these issues are a while off but surely it’s better to move before you have to

Yes well exactly. But some people suggested showing them some ideas. I would like to have a look at prices at least so I have something to back up the conversation,they seem to think they won’t make any money downsizing as bungalows are expensive but they’re at least 100k less than their house is worth where I live. Significantly more where they live though. Closer to London.

You’re right about the hobbies and social side. In fact I wouldn’t have a problem with them moving to suitable accommodation in their area, as no stairs and a downstairs loo would mean I’d be relied upon less to help (happy to visit still and know I’ll be visiting them more than they me in the future) but they won’t do that as bungalows are rarer and more expensive where they live. So to get a good deal on a suitable home they’d need to move more towards my area.

It is eminently sensible, but good luck with trying to persuade them.

FIL absolutely refused to move although after he died MIL was happy to move to the village where we live, which made the last 10 years of her life easier to deal with.

After she died I had hoped to persuade my DF to move into her house, but no dice. He is going to be 93 soon and although he is still fully independent and lives only 10 minutes away, his house is older and has more hazards and the other house would be easier to adapt if he needs care at home so it would be helpful if he moved there, but he likes being where he is so we'll just have to cope.

No, but it is better to move now than wait until 85 when it's quite possibly too late.

For the record my MIL had a stairlift put in as she lived in a terraced house with only an upstairs loo. She didn't use it because it was too slow! She was about 89 at the time (eventually she did have a fall but it happened in the shower so living in a bungalow wouldn't have helped).

It's also worth noting that the advice is no longer to live in bungalows - having the stairs is good to keep you fit longer. My mum has a bungalow and is very fit, and probably fitter than her friends of the same age (and younger). But she says that two friends in their 80s have quite a few stairs to climb (outside) and both cope with stairs better than she does, although she can walk miles on the flat and they can't. So it totally depends.

Why not move out when 50 then just to make really sure. My parents are in their mid 80s and can walk up stairs okay still. If they start having problems they will get a stair lift. It won't be "too late".

IME they will refuse to listen. Struggle on deteriorating slowly and then be on the phone to you to pick up the pieces at the first crisis and repeatedly so thereafter.
A broken femur was the first of many.

Surely not the case if you already have knee issues though? It won’t be long until she can’t manage the stairs at all.

Knee replacements can be very good nowadays.

Unnecessarily snippy comment!

There is a vast difference between 50 and 80, and even with fit 80 year olds things can change very quickly.

Not for everyone. I am only nearly 60 and am already struggling with stairs. My mother is actually much better. Things can change quickly for everyone and whilst more likely the older you are it is really over the top and quite patronising insisting people prepare for degeneration if they are currently healthy and capable.

If you find a way let me know. My parents are 76 and 79 and live in a tiny cottage which is super rural. There are no shops, no buses and the GP is 8 miles away. The cottage itself is a bathroom, kitchen and tiny lounge (no space for a bed) downstairs, some narrow death stairs and 2 beds upstairs. There is no way it’s practical for them to live in into their 80s my Mum can barely do the stairs now. They won’t even talk about moving.

You're overthinking this.

You need to talk up the joys of your nicer area, the lower crime, etc, and how they'll be able to spend so much more time with the grandchildren, how the grandchildren would love being able to pop over to gran and grandad's on their bikes now that they're getting old enough...

Some older people don't want to think about infirmity, and are not keen on suggestions about stair lifts or downstairs loos or 'when driving isn't possible'. Steer clear of those topics.