AIBU to suggest my elderly parents move to a more suitable home?

[SooPanda]

Off the back of reading a thread about an adult whose elderly parents don’t want her to buy a house with narrow stairs and no downstairs loo..
My elderly parents live in a nice house with very narrow stairs and no downstairs loo.

They are both 75/76 years old and although my dad is in good health my mother has trouble with her knees and lungs and needs oxygen to get around.

I don’t know how to broach the subject of moving, or whether I should broach it at all.

AIBU to suggest they downsize before it gets too hard to do so happily?

Their house isn’t suitable for adaptations but my dad keeps redecorating and making improvements to the aesthetic without mentioning the practicalities.

I live about 45 minutes away with 3 children at school. They visit us every other weekend and I know that soon I will need to visit them instead, which is fine as part of the routine and I know it was my choice to move away (they live in an area that used to be nice but now is bad for schools and crime) but I worry what’s going to happen when mum can’t do the stairs anymore.

I want them to move while they’re still
able to do so without struggling. AIBU?

I totally agree with setting up power of attorney. Not everyone experiences significant cognitive decline though. If someone is good cognitively their planning is up to them. There will be pros and cons with moving before necessary and quite patronising for adult children to think they know better about what is best.

Yes there are those in their 90s who are cognitively able, physically able etc, but the reality is that most elderly people will need some kind of support, and that can often happen very quickly. All those saying that adult children are forcing the issue have clearly not experienced the huge toll that ‘parenting’ a really struggling cognitively and physically but in denial parent. POA is absolutely necessary and some kind of planning for older age. Moving closer to children/ into a more suitable home can mean that the elderly person lives more independently for longer rather than waiting till a crisis.

I said POA was a good idea. Some posters are talking about parents in their 70s rather than parents in their 90s. They may not ever need support (they may die first) and if they do it might not be require for another 10 or 15 years. My parents are in their mid 80s and still don't need support so they would have really regretted moving 10 or 15 years ago.

You can't tell them what to do, they need to come to the realisation themselves. I just shut up when mother stayed in the big family house after dad died, it wasn't for me to tell her to move out of her familiar lovely house. She finally decided to downsize and we supported this, loaning her money to buy an auction property, helping her to liquidate shares etc, but up until then, I didn't say a word. Just not my place.

Logically the best time to do so is before you actually need to. But most people don’t know when that day will be exactly. So although it’s great to enjoy life as it is (and I hope that lasts a long time for you) isn’t it also sensible to be mindful that the closer anyone comes to needing to move/adapt/adjust their life, the harder it’ll be?

I’m not trying to insist I know better than my parents but they’re obviously avoiding/denying a future issue which is going to make things harder for them in the future.

Exactly this. What a great word for it. People buy bigger houses when they have large families, it improves their quality of life. I can’t get my head around then wanting to continue to keep everything as it is even though it’s now decreasing quality of life.

I don't think it necessarily better to move long before you need to though and they may never need to. They presumably have friends near them and a social life? Your dad is currently healthy, decorating and they regularly visit you so even though your mother isn't so healthy he could coordinate a move should it become necessary. They aren't relying on you.