AIBU to suggest my elderly parents move to a more suitable home?

[SooPanda]

Off the back of reading a thread about an adult whose elderly parents don’t want her to buy a house with narrow stairs and no downstairs loo..
My elderly parents live in a nice house with very narrow stairs and no downstairs loo.

They are both 75/76 years old and although my dad is in good health my mother has trouble with her knees and lungs and needs oxygen to get around.

I don’t know how to broach the subject of moving, or whether I should broach it at all.

AIBU to suggest they downsize before it gets too hard to do so happily?

Their house isn’t suitable for adaptations but my dad keeps redecorating and making improvements to the aesthetic without mentioning the practicalities.

I live about 45 minutes away with 3 children at school. They visit us every other weekend and I know that soon I will need to visit them instead, which is fine as part of the routine and I know it was my choice to move away (they live in an area that used to be nice but now is bad for schools and crime) but I worry what’s going to happen when mum can’t do the stairs anymore.

I want them to move while they’re still
able to do so without struggling. AIBU?

I have adult children and am disabled.

moving house is bloody hard at any age. I have built a support network where I am and would be extremely reluctant to move closer to adult children and give that up.

i don’t tell my adult children what to do and they don’t tell me what to do.

presumably if you have smallish children and never visit them anyway (you say they always come to you) you won’t be doing any caring anyway.

stairlifts are a bloody nightmare as well, expensive, often break and genuinely often not suitable for people with mobility difficulties.

Indeed it’s not for everyone. Maybe a poor choice of words I suppose, my dad doesn’t appear elderly but my mum does due to her health. It’s still young enough to move, make a new home nice, before they are truly elderly and need things to be more manageable.

Yes my dad’s mum lived over an hour away and we spent every other (and eventually it was every) Sunday visiting her when me and my sister were young, and although I could say well you know that was hard for you, so maybe you don’t want the same for me? I feel like their attitude is we did it and so should you.

An extension possible?
Any type of upheaval once you hit a certain age is almost too much to contemplate. You need to look at the least disruptive option.
Which might be converting a room or a small extension if possible.
Uprooting parents going through a process people who are in their 30’s find stressful and awful is doubly hard when you are old.

I wouldn't It's none of your business

As a matter of interest, why do you think that ?

Lord only knows 🤷

The other thing with narrow stairs is accessibility for paramedics. My friends dad lived in a house with a steep narrow staircase. He fell over upstairs and broke his hip. The paramedics couldn't get him down the stairs and the fire service had to be called to get him out through an upstairs window. It took ages and was incredibly painful and upsetting for his dad as he was very embarrassed by everyone watching him outside.

So you already mentioned the problem and they brushed you off?

They need a plan. One of them will end up being carer for the other.

My gran was stuck in a Victorian terrace with narrow stairs, no downstairs loo. Became housebound. She had to have a bed in the living room. Portable plastic loo chair thing. She detested the loss of dignity but by then it was too late.

Fwiw you don't have to visit them weekly. As your DCs get older it's going to be almost impossible with the various clubs, activities etc
I'd start setting that up now by changing the odd week, "sorry dc1 has a party when you usually come, can we change it to midweek this week or just wait until next week".

On the matter of stairlifts - you'd be surprised at the staircases they can be installed on!

I once visited someone is a tiny mews house where the staircase was very narrow and twisty, almost like a spiral staircase. The occupant was quite a tall chap and it was a bit of squeeze for his legs to be safely in place when the chairlift went round the bend but it was do-able

You can raise it, no problem whatsoever in talking but it depends if they want to engage.

My parents were slow to adapt their (spacious) home, usually only reacting after a new difficulty had reared it's head but at least they did it (downstairs loo, wet room, riser chairs etc).
The only thing that there was no getting around was their huge garden (300ft) and my OH did most of their gardening in later years.

"I’m not sure a Stanna could be installed on the narrow stars. The only person i know has one has very wide stairs and it takes up the whole thing."

Stanna is only one manufacturer, there are still other options to you.
When the time came we had all the usual suspects (including Stanna) around but they all had the same solution, a modular stair lift that could be installed immediately but would block the top/bottom of the stairs to other people.
We then had a company who supply Flo stairlifts. These are bespoke so take some time to manufacture but the rail is much more discrete and can handle much tighter bends & angles. In my parents case, the chair "parked" around the corner several feet away from the stairs thereby leaving them completely unobstructed.
Of course the other option is a personal lift which is my preferred solution.

Change is always hard especially when must be a lot of memories tied to their home and I think there's an avoidance from fear to consider future health declining.

Apart from physical aspects if dementia creeps in, they rely heavily on familiarity and struggle with changes in environment so it would be beneficial to adjust to a new place/area sooner than leaving till absolutely necessary. We had to move furniture to make space for potential live in carer in rooms they barely spent any time in and it caused so much distress.

Thankfully my parents moved to a bungalow around 75 mainly because mum struggled to manage the steep terrace stairs, but it's not particularly local to me or siblings. When dad was was renovating it he didn't really plan for the older them either, i.e a wet room would've been easier for mum than trying to get walker frame round the shower fittings. Under counter Fridge so have to bend frequently, can't see what have easily. The stage of them needing extra care came suddenly and went downhill quickly, they've funds to able to outsource to carers and other help but they still have loads of appointments and household admin to manage.

YANBU, but it needs to come from them else they'll end up depressed or worse. Broach the subject gently once or twice, then drop it if they’re not interested.

There are stair lifts you can get for narrow staircases etc. It’s not ideal, but the psychological harm of making them move should not be underestimated.

My life was effectively ruined by my Grandad from the age of 11 until 16 when my Grandad was widowed. (Typical war generation man that had been waited on hand and foot by my Granny, could hardly make himself a piece of toast and definitely nothing that required a cooker, wouldn't even food shop for himself or go to the Post Office to collect his pension/pay bills, he had worked in a high profile job but couldn't do anything domestic).

Literally every Friday straight after school we (Mum, Dad, me) had to head off on the 80 mile journey to his house, stay all weekend and not get back until 10pm on the Sunday night. It totally destroyed my friendships as I had to stop all weekend sports and clubs, shopping with friends, normal teenage stuff etc.

As far as my Mum was concerned, she was doing her duty as a daughter and could not see the impact it had on me.

My husband's parents (70 and 80) are just about to upsize to a £2m house with an acre of land. Old house is a 5-bed, 4 ensuites and family bathroom.

Bonkers

So far, all the ideas are based on variations of 'sooner of later you're going to get worse so you might as well move now'. No wonder they're not landing well. Maybe you could think about 'there's probably a lot you'd still like to be doing, holidays, hobbies, outings etc. This will get harder once you get to 80 if only because insurance will suddenly get very expensive. How about selling (or renting out) the house and moving (maybe temporarily) into rented retirement accommodation? That would free up some cash and also some time and energy because you wouldn't have to keep on top of things in the house.' I'm mid 70s and I'd certaily think about an argument put like that.

It is for some people. And the only way is down.

This may sound a bit mad OP, but i had a very helpful conversation with Copilot before bringing this exact issue up with my parents. I described both their personalities, the relationship dynamic and it really helped me with how to frame things. My Father has always been the man of the house, boarding school, sucessful business etc and it helped with wording suggestions so he would be more receptive. I am glad I did it before speaking to them. Good luck.

I would definitely encourage them to think about moving sooner rather than later. My MIL recently died (younger than your parents) and needed oxygen too. By the time she decided she needed to move it was far too late and she deteriorated so quickly she had to move in with a family member who lived all on one level. It's better to not be looking for houses and packing etc when you are under pressure.

If they have capacity to make their own decisions then you shouldn't leave them to decide themselves.
You can ask if they have ever thought about moving but you should respect their decison

I fear my parents have left it too late. They kept saying they would move then never did. They now have multiple health issues and are in a terraced house which is falling apart around them. It’s awful to watch but there is nothing we can do apart from keep asking them to do it.

Lots of companies make stair lifts- you can get very slim-line ones these days.

KeeleyJ

we did the same with my grandparents, I missed out on a lot of my teenage weekends going to stay with them, it irritated me at the time but as I got older I realised it must have meant so much to my parents to be able to be there for them as I will be there for my mum and was for my dad. There are people that say it’s not your responsibility etc- who cares, the people who looked after you as a child deserve to get help if they need it.

Op I live in fear of a phone call saying my mum has landed at the bottom of her stairs. We can’t afford to live in that area and she needs a bungalow or ground floor flat. We’re all trying to convince her to move down near us/ in with us

I speak as somone with parents in their 90s, waiting until people are in their mid/late 70s to have this conversation - to start this conversation rather - is too late. you need to be discussing it when they are well and in their 60s just retired or about to retire. and whilst this feels too early for some, it really isnt. because you also need to have the powers of attourney conversation and the wills one as well as the organ donation. If you wait until parents are in their late 70s its a bloody horrible conversation to have. because speaking as someone nearing that age, we know that we are in Gods waiting room and dont need reminding of it. or of the fact that we might have to change where we live, who looks after us etc.

sit down first with your own kids, whatever your age, and talk to them about these issues. have you got a will, have you done your powers of attourney, is your house user friendly will you need to move now, 5 years, 10 years whatever, whats your plan. then speak to your parents and explain that you have done this with your kids and now you want to do it with them.

we signed our powers of attourney in our 50s with our kids. all done, signed sealed put in a drawer to forget about. same with our will. same with organ donation. we moved to a single storey house this year to take away the worry from them. make it clear to your parents what support you can offer them now and what you see yourself being able to offer going forward. get all the assumptions out in the open - so many friends found that their parents thought they would just move in with them.

getting old, frail and dying is part of life and needs to be out in the open and talked about regularly.