AIBU to feel envious of her?

[GlowieGlow]

I follow someone on social media who always seems really nice and down to earth, and she has what looks like a lovely husband. I only recently realised she already had children when they met, and he’s completely taken them on as his own even though he doesn’t have children himself. They’ve been married for years and genuinely seem very happy.

I know social media only shows the good bits, but I can’t stop feeling envious of her life and what she’s found. Not just the relationship itself, but that someone loved her enough to fully embrace her children too. It feels incredibly lucky.

I think what’s upset me is realising how much I wanted that for myself. I wish I’d met someone kind who loved me properly and accepted my children as part of the package, and built a happy family life with us. Instead I’ve been single for years and haven’t had even the slightest bit of interest from anyone in such a long time. Seeing her life has really brought home the fact that it just never happened for me, and that it probably never will.

I feel mean even admitting I’m jealous because she’s obviously done nothing wrong, but seeing it has really got to me. AIBU to feel like this?

Probably but their father didnt love them unconditionally either otherwise he wouldn’t have left. Sometimes a step parent can love the children more than their own parent.

Does their father not have any relationship with them at all? That’s hard.

No contact at all in 3 years

That’s really shit, I’m sorry. I understand why you feel how you feel.

OP…I am someone who is now married to a DH, with no “joint” children, and he doesn’t want any of his own. I have DS (19) from previous marriage. DH is wonderful with DS; they get along fanatically well, it’s all good. DH doesn’t want children, he had a vasectomy a couple of years ago, 3 years after we married. It does happen, it can happen; there will be an awful lot of naysayers on mn who can’t imagine this being a reality, but it can. Good luck xxx

It happens, but we must not poison our children with the burden of this and I have seen so many “good” mums who have.

My stepdad deliberately sought out a woman who already had a child.

Oh really? it’s nice to know not all men are put off by it

Thanks, yeah maybe I’d feel differently if they had a decent father

And I don’t which is why I said I don’t wish I had met a different man because then I wouldn’t have the same kids, I want the same kids.

I’ve been with my DP for 6 years and I have DC, he doesn’t. So it can happen! He’s great. It was a complete fluke that I found him.

It’s lovely to hear how many of you have found this I honestly thought it was so rare so glad to hear it does happen.

Yeah, I think because he didn't want children of his own.

@GlowieGlow, My post was in response to @TotalBaloney , yes it is shit, but it does happen.

@TotalBaloney, please don’t feel that I am challenging by saying that, it is, you’re right.

Those of us like you OP, who know it is possible, me and the PPs who have found it, don’t ever give up.

Absolute tosh! Are you really suggesting that very much wanted and loved adopted children are not loved as much because they are raised by non biological relatives? How the heck do you even measure that? Obviously, situations where step parents just accept that there is a step child and it’s all part of a ‘package’ might not ever have the same relationship with that child. But that also happens plenty with bio-children, which is why so many children are abandoned by a parent once the parents relationship has broken down.

I was lucky like this, I had 2 children under 2 when I met my partner. Me and their dad separated whilst I was pregnant. We started out as kind of like friends for a year and he never met my children during this time. He was early 30s with no children, but we’ve been together 10 years now and moved in together in 2022. I feel incredibly lucky and he adores my children and they adore him. We have a child together now and I count my blessings everyday. There is someone out there willing to love you and your children OP, go find it❤️ also, self love is so important here, be kind to yourself. I will add, life is definitely not all sunshine and rainbows for me, we have our moments. You will find love again, even if it’s not right now.

ETA - My youngest was a nightmare behaviour wise in the first few years, I’m surprised he didn’t run for the hills, she’s older now and she’s lush, thankfully 😅

Online dating isn't all bad. I commented further up about meeting my DP who doesn't have kids, we met on OkCupid and he knew about my kids from my profile. If people don't like kids they'll (hopefully) just scroll on. It's worked out well, I introduced him to my kids about 6 months into dating, once I knew it was serious, and it's our second anniversary next month.

I'm glad we met online, as I think he's very attractive and I would have been scared to say anything in person (likewise he feels the same), and I was able to get a good idea of his interests and work from his bio so we got on immediately.

It think relationships are about more than someone accepting your kids, it's individual and about many things including about her level of attractiveness how much effort you puts into taking care of herself and her personality, if she is a fun easy going person or someone more stuck in their ways and unwilling to compromise. You are comparing but you are not her and can't really compare. I think often when people can't find someone they blame others but usually it's themselves they need to work on and they never consider this and nothing changes.

I was a single mum for 10 years. I met my partner when my kids were 11 and 12, so not little kids anymore but still need a great deal of attention and raising! He didn’t meet them for 18 months, but once he did, he fully embraced them. He knew I had kids when we met and it didn’t put him off, we took the time to build our relationship without involving them and then it felt really natural to have him around my kids. And he is fantastic with them, the kids love him. It does happen. You just need to find the right person.

yes of course thats part of it but looks wise shes very average but does seem like a very lovely person! As stated i didnt attempt to date so it was not because I couldn’t find anyone, I chose not to but now regret it.

I guess you can't be envious if you chose not to try, maybe you would have if you did. It's human nature to compare but don't dwell on it because there is always someone better off and someone worse off sometimes it really is just luck of the draw. You shouldn't loose hope also it's never too late, if you feel like you're ready to find someone now. For many women with kids it's hard to find someone when kids are young they want to focus on the children and it's easier once the children are older and don't need you as much. I always believe you can't have it all you hav to sacrifice something to get something and only you can decide if you're willing to make those sacrifices as everyone has different priorities. Xx

The trouble is I don’t think any man I meet now my kids wouldn’t view them as a father figure and they probably wouldn’t even like me dating

Depending on how old your kids are and if they already have a father i don't think they need to have another father figure and if they're older they may not even want a father figure.

You should be looking for someone for yourself first not for your children especially if they are older. If it's a good person and makes you happy they will come round in time. It's not fair to you as they will have their partners and their own lives.

If they are younger and still living with you then obviously he has to like kids and be accepting of them but it's still about you liking and getting on with this person and can't be all about the kids.

Maybe you're too focused on trying to find someone for the kids first rather than yourself. If their father is in the picture still they may not want a replacement father anyway.

It's good for you to have someone even if it's seperate from the kids, it doesn't have to be all nothing....

No they don’t see their father

Ahh i feel your pain, i think if you focus on finding a good person for yourself hopefully everything will fall into place, you can only try and do your best