To expect my son to let me know how his GCSEs are going?

[Youshouldbestrongerthanme]

Son is with his dad this week.
I asked him before he went back to please let me know how his exams were going.
Nothing since Tuesday.
Husband says this is just "typcial teenage behaviour" but I kind of disagree?
Also, if son was with me, I'd be gently encouraging him to message Dad to let him know all was good. Ex-husband would never do this the other way around, however.

He's got enough on. Assume no news is good news.

That's a shame, he doesn't value money.

Is your boy back with you now? Next week should be easier for you.

I get it, I was on tenterhooks when my kids did their exams and wanted to know immediately afterwards if both my child and the exam was ok, and it’s tough to rein yourself back (though I like to feel like I did).

In your position I would find a week of silence excruciating, so I feel for you.

The only piece of advice I can give is that I tended to get much more feedback (& quickly) from subjects they felt I’d been there with them through.

So, for example, I might get “remember when we saw Inspector Called ant the theatre and X happened? That scene came up as a question today and I think I discussed it really well.”

Or; “those flash cards you spend an hour quizzing me on last night were blinking useless, except for the last one which was the first question on the exam, so I know that went well at least.”

My parents are divorced it never crossed my mind to let my other parent know how my exams had gone.

@Chilly80 Did you other parent ever message you to ask? Even just a "How are you?" etc?

@filipsheep He's back this weekend but then back at his dad's for exams as the wing he has is obviously quieter than his bedroom here. Coming over when he's out of bed!

My father was living in another country at the time I did my Standard Grades (Scottish GCSEs). I would have been fairly non-communicative with either parent because if I’d said:

• exams went really badly = get ear bent with requests for forensic analysis of WHY I though that
• exams went really well = potentially get egg all over face when results come through.

Or maybe your son has no sense either way of how they went so nothing to say?

I’d stop encouraging your son to sent his father updates when he’s with you. The favour isn’t returned so don’t martyr yourself for him.

Didn't have a mobile when I did GCSEs 🤣

Are you close to him? Is he with you EOW?

When he does come over, dont nag him about not getting back to you. Just say you hope all going well and you’re there for him if he wants to off load

@Isittimeformynapyet is spot on. I know you mean well and want to show you care but you’re making this about you rather than him. I’ve spent many years keeping a parent at a distance because they fight so hard to be involved in everything. Any stressful life event I’m going though I somehow end up being the one to reassure them I’m ok and almost manage their anxiety for them. It’s exhausting.

He’s the one sitting the exam, let him deal with it any way he needs to. By all means call or text to wish him good luck or let him know your thinking of him but don’t make him responsible for keeping you constantly updated so you can feel better. Realistically not going to know how he’s done until mid Aug anyway

Rather than asking him how it went, why not just send him texts of encouragement each day? Just a quick… ‘Thinking of you today’ or ‘Hope it all goes ok today’ would be much better for his probably already high stress levels.

I get it OP! Co-parenting is hard, especially at times like this, but pushing for updates isn’t the way to go about this. You know your EX parents differently, so don’t bother asking him to do something for you, he won’t. Just let your boy know you’re thinking about him and when he’s with you don’t worry about his dad knowing what’s going on as he’s clearly not bothered!

Yes, I think a quick message from your 16 year old at some point in the week is reasonable. Not even necessarily about exams but just a general chat. Is it typical of ds to spend all week with one parent and not be in contact with the other at all during that time?

How did you get on?

Fine
or
Grand

The end of conversation 🙈

I must be so lucky with my son, he always discusses with me how his exam went. We've discussed his revision schedule and each of his upcoming exams and how he feels. If he's with his dad I ask how he's got on (so he knows I'm thinking of him) and he will call me to let me know how he got on.

I don't pressurise him at all, he's developed a revision schedule off his own back and I've not had to ask him to revise, he gets on with it. We are very close though and I know he would want me to check in with him because the exams are important to him, so it's important to me that he knows I'm interested.

I must be so lucky with my son, he always discusses with me how his exam went. We've discussed his revision schedule and each of his upcoming exams and how he feels. If he's with his dad I ask how he's got on (so he knows I'm thinking of him) and he will call me to let me know how he got on.

I don't pressurise him at all, he's developed a revision schedule off his own back and I've not had to ask him to revise, he gets on with it. We are very close though and I know he would want me to check in with him because the exams are important to him, so it's important to me that he knows I'm interested.

I think it's a bit pressurised to be asking him to tell you. He doesn't have the results, so he only really knows if he's absolutely screwed up (e.g. not written anything/known anything) and I guess it's unlikely that's happened (plus if he has massively screwed it up, hes not going to want to chat about it).

Otherwise what can he even say "I turned up, answered the questions, think it was ok". If he says it went well he just puts more pressure on the results. If he says it felt hard, you will worry/be annoyed with him for not revising enough. He doesn't really know does he and once they're done, there's nothing he can do - so it's not like you can give him advice, it just forces him to dwell on what he did. Better to just put them out your mind when you're done.

Let him be, GCSEs are stressful enough without having to re-hash them with your mum via phone or text.

Yabu.

He has enough stress to deal with without having to wander to you.

Have you bothered to reach out and ask him how they have gone?

Did DS open up re exams once he came over yesterday @Youshouldbestrongerthanme ?

I’ve had a quick scroll through your replies OP so might have missed it, but have you messaged your son and asked him how he is and how the exams are going? If not, why not? When my daughter has done exams after each one I send her a quick message to ask how it went, even though I will be seeing her in a few hours.

As an aside, I don’t and haven’t for several years, interfered with how often (or not in her case) she contacts her father.

I understand why you’d prefer DS to be with you while doing exams- even if you don’t get any info from him you could still get a feel for his stress levels and make sure he’s well fed and getting enough sleep etc. Hopefully his Dad is doing that. Understandable it feels stressful to you not knowing how he is-but, kindly, this isn’t your son’s fault or problem, he has enough on, and I think you just have to accept your set up is such that you don’t get much choice over this.

It is a short thread. Seriously. Yes the op has been messaging her son. Hence the thread

Oops my bad.

It's really not about you, yabu! My kids and I have talked about exam coping strategies and both have said they hate the 'hows it going question' - if it feels like its gone well theyre scared to say that out loud in case theyre wrong and dont get good grades. If they feel it hasnt gone well the last thing they want to do.is dissect it. Im afraid with exams you really have to focus on the support they need not your expectations of them. And at gcse age its not either parents job to get them to text the other, 'gently' or not, they are old enough to manage their relationship with each parent directly imo

I feel for you op, it’s hard when you’re scratching around for crumbs of information. There is nothing you can do. Send the odd text, and don’t expect a response. Your ds maybe is unsure of how to answer. You’re looking for reassurance but you’re not going to get any.

My ex is an arsehole too, and he loves a power play. Don't rise to it.

He doesn’t know how they’re going. He hasn’t got any grades yet.