To expect my son to let me know how his GCSEs are going?

[Youshouldbestrongerthanme]

Son is with his dad this week.
I asked him before he went back to please let me know how his exams were going.
Nothing since Tuesday.
Husband says this is just "typcial teenage behaviour" but I kind of disagree?
Also, if son was with me, I'd be gently encouraging him to message Dad to let him know all was good. Ex-husband would never do this the other way around, however.

I have just got a “good”every time I have asked. And I haven’t probed further. These are stressful times and throw in the hormones…. They need their breathing space.

I admit I’m spoiling him rotten at the moment. Baths run in at the end of the day; snacks and drinks brought to him; not nagging if he forgets to hang up towel etc.

I’m surprised that still 50/50 one week at yours and one week with dad at this age

I would just let him get on with it. If he wants to let you know he will. Mine has said "fine" every time I've asked how an exam was or how his revision is going. It's a stressful time for them even for the ones who outwardly act like they aren't bothered. Just be there if they need you and let them get through it in their own way.

I'm surprised a 15 year old would feel insulted at receiving a tenner as a small boost at the end of each exam week. Is it too much or too little? Is he very spoilt or are you all super rich? 🤔

Firstly, typical teenager.

Secondly, what they say or feel has no bearing on how well they did. DD2 was in tears after her biology last year because she wasn't happy with how it went, she got an 8. DD1 the year before told us every exam was 'fine' but admitted later she wasn't happy with some of them but didn't want to discuss it.

I get that it’s hard when they are not living with you all the time. He’s a teenager though and as others have said offer him support, remind him you care without any expectations or additional pressure. He is no doubt trying to just get on with it and would respond if he wanted to. It very much comes across that this is about you and your feelings/needs and not about what he will gain from these messages. If this is an ongoing pattern then you could risk pushing him away.

@filipsheep I'm definitely not super-rich; I don't even own my own home! His dad is a millionaire so £10 is nothing.

Exams are stressful enough as it is without having to rehash them for mum! Give him a break whilst he’s going through the exam season, you’ll find out soon enough how they went anyway.

He probably doesn't know how they went since he hasn't got his results yet. Leave him be its a stressful enough time as it is without parents mithering you about it. Or maybe he felt like they were terrible and doesn't fancy sharing that information? It's not his responsibility to calm your nerves, only his own.

Perhaps a 'how are you' rather than 'how did it go'? Nobody likes talking about exams.

Oh my lord, I get chapter and verse. Every question and the fine detail of what was written. Every Macbeth quote. Every historical source. I feel like I’ve sat five exams myself this week. And the worst thing is……all this detail comes at 11pm as I’m very nearly asleep.

Sorry OP, not relevant really to thread. If he wasn’t here I don’t think he would actually contact me to tell me. I think I just get offloaded to because I am around at the right/wrong time.

I think you should just ring him up after each one and ask him how it went. Then they know you are interested and can talk about it. Doesn't matter if they just say OK or crap. At least you have touched base. I text mine Good Luck! 🍀🍀🍀and we live in the same house. It's just checking in so they feel the positive vibes and support. Hope the rest of the exams go well. Even if not some of the most successful people I know are self made with no GCSEs. Xxxx

One if ours flatly refused to talk about his exams except a shrug and ok. He did ok in some, others not so well but got onto his college course. His view was its over , there's no point in talking about, or dissecting it, it wont help either way.

We played ut his way.

@Youshouldbestrongerthanme I don’t think you are being unreasonable per se. I know how it feels (as I am in a similar position) to put blood sweat and tears into supporting your DC through this period. It kind of feels like you are in it together… so of course it totally reasonable that you’d want to know how he’s been getting on. If you have a good relationship then of course you’ll want to hear it straight from him.

That said I see the pressure on DS to have to report on how things went each day with 2 sets of parents. That’s not his main concern right now. I’m sure he can barely be bothered to even share how it went with even 1 of us let alone both of us. The reporting back doesn’t help him. It only serves us.

Its nice for us to know how they think it went but it’s not essential- particularly when they are at their other parent’s. I’d just leave it and assume you’ll get nothing back when they are with their DF. Him being happy and well rested is more important than how you feel about this.

When my child did theirs, they didn't want to be asked about them as they were already sick of school going on about GCSEs for months beforehand.

So, I told my child that I was there for them if they ever needed to talk about the exams but I wouldn't specifically ask about them because I knew that they were sick of hearing talk about GCSEs.

It’s fine for you to say ‘How did it go?’

It’s also fine for him not to reply. His priority this week is his exams, not his mother.

No Op

do not ring him up after every exam FGS

I know my Ex & his wife have wanted to know how our DD is doing. Not necessarily how the exams are going, as that can be hard to judge, but how she is.
So if they haven’t heard from her they message me and I quickly respond.

I completely understand that things are difficult with your ex so, for example, you aren’t able to phone your son, but that isn’t your son’s fault.

I appreciate it would take him no time at all to say ‘I’m ok’ but maybe it’s more nuanced than that. If he’s not, how does he explain that on a text to you. As a teen, even in person he might not be able to. I think communication with teens can be difficult.

You are not unreasonable to be frustrated but there’s a lot about being separated with DC that isn’t ideal. It’s hard enough with an ex you can communicate. So you have my sympathies but try not to have too much ill feeling towards your son who is under a lot of pressure at the moment.

Unless you’re Hermione granger in Harry Potter and enjoy dissecting every exam after coming out of them - most people do the exam and then try and forget about them.

reliving it ‘I missed 2 questions’ ‘my favourite topic didn’t come up’ is more likely to lead to anxiety for the next than tell you anything meaningful.

if he felt he aced it - he may tell you or he may not - but step back , trust him and let him let him be. It’s one of the most highly stressed points in HIS life. HE is going through it not you. You feel you are as a parent - but you are a mere bystander and need to just cheerlead from the side.

be supportive - send text messages of ‘hope maths goes well today’ or ‘thinking of you’ but leave it there.

teenage boys are often pretty taciturn in general and talking about exams with you is really not going to be high on his priorities.

let him know you love him, believe in him, care and then be there when the results come out. Hopefully all will go to plan and he can take his next planned steps - but if they haven’t gone do well - he’ll need you to support him to realise it is not the end of the world and retakes or alternative options and path ways are available.

I don't get much from my kids when they are at their dad's. I wouldn't expect to during GCSE.
You want him to say I am ok. What if he isn't? What does knowing that he is or isn't ok do to help? Nothing you can do about it anyway. He will ask if he needs your help.
I just got used to low contact when thwy were at their dads. They know I am there if they need me ever. So send some supportive messages and don't expect much in return. All you can do really

You need to get out of the habit of thinking your child owes you a message to reassure you because then it becomes all about you and them having an extra burden of making sure you are ok. Right now he is doing what is probably the most stressful thing he has done until now. Let him get on with it and offer support and encouragement and don't burden him with your own needs right now.

You could try “inviting” him to talk about them, for example “tell me about them if you want”. Many teenagers will not be forthcoming about this, especially if they then fear being told “you should have worked harder”.

My mum was a teacher, and she was always interrogating me about homework and exams, with loaded questions such as “how did your mark compare with the other marks in the class”? The result was that I got into huge spirals of lying, and refusing to work at all in the subjects I didn’t like, I got into awful trouble for it.

That was me as a kid.

There's nothing you can do about the exams he has already done and you shouldn't put any more pressure on him now. Let him focus on the next exam and you'll find out in the summer.