To expect my son to let me know how his GCSEs are going?

[Youshouldbestrongerthanme]

Son is with his dad this week.
I asked him before he went back to please let me know how his exams were going.
Nothing since Tuesday.
Husband says this is just "typcial teenage behaviour" but I kind of disagree?
Also, if son was with me, I'd be gently encouraging him to message Dad to let him know all was good. Ex-husband would never do this the other way around, however.

@Besafeeatcake I have messaged him. It is usually ignored.

Probably stressed enough and doesn't need people hounding him further about it.

I will say as well though OP that I find my dc taking exams much more stressful than doing them myself. I can't wait for exam results day to be over.

If I were you (and my kids live with me full time but ignore me most of that full time) I would send a nice congratulatory message with lots of annoying emojis about finishing the first week of exams. He will ignore it I expect but at least you've done it.

No it’s not. They should never be put in the position of managing your expectations, whoever’s week it is, and particularly not mid-exams.

@titchy That's not what I asked?

Why have you not just contacted him? You'd rather go online and ask if you're AIBU that message your own child. Madness!

@Whattodo127845I have. I have sent one message. But that's apparently "hounding" him according to some on here (who probably have zero experience of not living with their children).
Anyone on here who does?

You seem to be putting your feelings above his. You've contacted him, now it's on him to reply.

By all means, message again but perhaps put no pressure on him to respond. It's already a stressful time for him, he doesn't need additional grief trying to please two parents.

I have experienced being a child going between homes. It’s horrible keeping everyone happy all the time.

he needs to focus on himself and his exams. Just message him good luck before exams, he will be home with you in a few days.

I live with my daughter and I'm not asking her. If she wants to offer me information then great. But I'm keeping right back to reduce stress

@Brickiscool Would you not say "How did it go?"

I would ask him how he is rather than how the exam went. Make him feel like your priority is how he is rather than whether he did well in the exam.

I have 3 kids and only one would want to talk about the paper in detail and I know that’s unusual. The on who talked about it would ask me to test her on things where as I have no clue how much the other 2 revised.

The other 2 might say “fine” to shut me up but they would consider any questions as hounding them and adding to the stress from school. A generic text congratulating him for another week down is the best that you can do with some kids.

Growing up is full of milestones where you worry as a mum but have to pretend that you’re not for your children’s sakes because you don’t want kids who are stepping on eggshells over their parent’s feelings. Eg when they started driving, I had to resist calling them up to check on their safety. He might be happier discussing exams after they are over next month- you know what his personality is like or he might not want to discuss until results day. I understand why you want to know but many teens cope with the exam period by not dwelling on the past ones or trying to think about other stuff to stay sane. Do you think your ex cared about receiving the text that all was going well? If not I suspect that he copes with exams like your son and doesn’t want to talk about it.

Before you ask I am divorced and was a single parent when my 3 kids did GCSEs and other exams. I sympathise with the stress but don’t add to your son’s stress by expecting stuff that he doesn’t do off his own back.

He probably wants to switch off from them and destress when he’s not at school. If he seems well in himself, that’s the main thing.

You’re making this about you. This is about him doing what is right for him.

Your role here is to send messages of support and thinking of you and some daft funny stuff to make him smile.
He isn't required to fill you in - even when they're with you you don't get that.
50/50 here so I do know how it feels. But don't look to your son for a response. You provide the reassurance and the gentle reminder (through the funny stuff) that you're there if he needs you.
Buy his favourite food for when he's next with you.

@Snorlaxo
Thank you, useful to get a perspective from someone who is separated. Was it 50/50 with your kids too? So hard not seeing them for 7 plus days as you have no idea how it's gone.

I would say: "hi DS, hope the week is going ok, good luck with french tomorrow. No need to message back but just to let you know I am thinking of you. See you at the weekend."

That way it's about him and his needs not you and yours.

Like others have said, you are adding a burden to him to balance divorced parents' needs when he has a stressful exam period. The same approach works well for sending a message to someone who is grieving or having a stressful work time or caring for an ill relative - it says, I am thinking of you but not adding a responsibility to you at this difficult time.

Have you sent him messages to see how he is in himself rather than questioning how his exam went?

PS divorced mum and child of divorced parents so I have experienced it from both ends.

I grew up with a Dad who wanted and expected to know everything (and still does).

I messaged to say that I had a successful interview yesterday, and his first response was 'Why didn't you tell me", I said I had wanted to keep it low key as I had an unsuccessful interview last week and didn't want the pressure of having to tell everyone if I got rejected again. He then said "I did ask you to keep me posted on Sunday". I haven't replied because it's frustrated me that he made it about himself before even acknowledging the achievement.

I totally get that as a parent you want and like to be kept in the loop, but as the child of a parent who feels entitled to know everything, I find it has strained my relationship with my Dad.

@redsquirrel07 I absolutely understand and I don't expect to know everything at all. But obviously I know he's doing his GCSEs and it would just be nice to know that he is OK and all is well.

@Youshouldbestrongerthanme
I’m not separated but I think most mums can relate sitting there thinking about how their child is going when doing some sort of exam/interview etc.

Mine are in a different system so not exactly the same as GCSEs, but I would definitely ask how things were going. I would be normal in our family. My son wouldn’t be super forthcoming, but he’d usually say something to indicate how he was feeling about it all. I wouldn’t have been asking specifics anyway, just how he was finding things. There would be a general “good luck/ how did you get on” type conversation at some point during the exam session.

I feel this about your ex rather than your son. I think just sending one way messages of support like PP suggests is the way forward. He’ll be back with you soon wont he? He’s probably stressed. I mean what exactly can he say. Maybe he’s doing terribly and doesn’t want to talk about it.