To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

Yanbu. Doesn’t matter how much your DH does or
doesn’t have their kid. It’s at no point anything to do with you. She’s a grabby sod.

Op did the boy know he was staying for the week. That must be upsetting for him too, to be dumped at the last minute.

Paying parents can open a CMS case too, tell him to do that. They’ll tell him how much he has to pay and when.

Of course I can live for two weeks on one weeks wage! That's crazy. Surely everyone has a buffer their current account, never mind savings. What the hell do you do if your exhaust falls off or if you need to go on unpaid sick leave.

Yes mum's behaviour is shocking, but shocking is the appropriate word because his behaviour is consistently crap.

How incredibly naive. A lot more people than you think live paycheck to paycheck and would have to go in to debt (or do without a car) if their exhaust fell off. There are also plenty of people who can't afford a car. What world are you living in?

Well, I would have to borrow something. All that I earn is accounted for, pretty much. If I have a bit extra I save it, but there’s never as much in savings as I earn each payday.

i Have actually been a contractor and lost a contract at a day’s notice. The resulting shortfall in my income is something I still feel a year on, because I had to borrow and rinse my savings to cover it- there was no time to arrange anything else.

Well for one thing they don't know how long it will take to find new work - his previous option has been destroyed by the ex's stupid stunt. Depending on the industry this could impact other opportunities.

Last week's wage may have to last a long time

• no way should any money they have go to the ex

Don't do it! It's not your responsibility. Don't fall into that trap or the expectations grow.

Many years ago I stupidly paid maintenance for my then-boyfriend's son. The mum would be waiting outside my place of work when I got paid! I also got her a cot for her second child (not his), a car and a bed! Also babysat her second child and would pick her up and drop her off from work if she was on a late. I had/have MUG across my forehead.
I would never do something like that now!

Poor child. You not responsible and as a direct result of her actions he lost his job so less maintenance.

Your privilege is showing.

She forgot she was on holiday

yeah right !!

jeez. And it’s always dads who get a bad name

what a useless mum

hope your dh gets a job soon

Some say privilege, some say forward planing. My mum taught me that only the rich can afford not to have a little bit of money saved up for a rainy day.

In no uncertain terms tell her to f**k off. You cannot be held responsible for his child support- even if the ex hadn't caused the need for it- her "needing the money" is amatter of supreme indifference- she needs a rwality check, who on earth does she think she is?

Absolutely none of that is relevant to the OP's question, though - whether she is liable to pay the maintenance when his father is unable to. He isn't her child. She isn't legally liable to support somebody else's child, whether it's through the stupidity and selfishness of the mother or due to selfishness or stupidity of the father. It isn't her responsibility.

If you don't have a spare pound to save anytime that mantra won't help

And how do you suggest that someone just about making ends meet should save? Where is this mystical money to come from.

Saving IS a privilege these days. It shouldnt be but it is. And it is tone deaf to suggest that anyone who doesnt have savings is somehow a profligate fool.

You can afford to save, good for you. Many many people can't.

Your Mum obviously never had a situation where she had no money to start with or one where there were a combination of emergencies that wiped out her savings and more or there was a sudden cessation of income immediately afterwards - whereas others know very well that this can happen to anybody through accidents, job losses, illnesses or disasters.

Not your responsibility to pay OP so YANBU but I bet if she had asked for the holiday, DH would have said no. Because of his work etc. EOW is a disgrace. So she is NBU to do it this way either.

I am not a dumbass to say that having spare money to save is a privilege these days, and the fact that you think it I am rather proves my point.

Well her plan certainly back fired on her!

YANBU - this is NOT your responsibility. I hope your DH finds another job ASAP.

You're being ridiculous and you need to learn to manage your money, spend less and/or earn more. I don't have spare money, I have money to prevent homelessness. That's not privilege, not by any normal standards, it's the bare basics.

If you have kids and huge money worries, where you couldn't survive one week of unemployment, then that's not just stupid, it's irresponsible, selfish and frankly insane.

My mum spent her formative years starving in a refugee camp. The world has nothing to teach her about poverty or survival.

It’s not your responsibility and there’s no requirement.

However in our home? Money is joint and we would never leave my husband’s child to go without. Paying for that child’s food etc isn’t optional for either of the parents, and wouldn’t be something we could avoid doing if they lived with us full-time, no matter how our circumstances changed. It would kill my husband to not be providing the bare minimum for his child. The guilt, shame and feeling of failure would be something I’d work hard to spare him from if at all possible. I also of course want my step child to eat and have shelter and so on.

YANBU. That you’re married does not make his child your financial responsibility; that remains his alone. You are in no way obliged, legally or in any other way, to pay CMS because he cannot. She can rant away as much as she likes about that, it’s not your problem.