To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

I feel so sorry for the boy, and you and the rest of your family. What if you hadn't been able to get him when she abandoned him to go off gallivanting? If I were you, I'd not want to pay it either. Plenty of parents look after their kids FT and don't get holidays-if she'd needed to go to hospital urgently, they would be different.

Good luck with that, hon. That's what I would send her in response to that outrageous demand

You're not responsible for his child support. He should let them know he's lost his job asap.

She isn't leaving his child to go without. His son has been there all week being fed and provided for by his dad and stepmum while his mother's on her third holiday abroad this year none of which she has included her son in despite expecting that his dad's maintenance payment was going to fund her holiday spending. From what I've seen of OP posts every holiday the lad gets is the ones his dad includes him in whilst his mother gets all of her holidays child free

@BurnoutGP
The OP stated that her DH takes a week of holiday often at half term to look after his DS. So you are wrong about that.

I can't believe the cheek of her, how does she think DSS feels & I suppose DH had to explain things to him. Assume he didn't arrive with his uniform? I can't believe she did that!

Do they use CMS or does he pay her via bank/cash? Fancy not taking DSS on holiday - what a horrid mum.

OK. I will tell my disabled adult child and disabled parents that I cant care for them anymore as I need to earn more. Wonder how happy you are to pay more tax to cover the carers who earn 15 times what I do in hourly wages to look after them.

I get paid carers allowance, which is £83 ish a week for a MINIMUM of 35 hours care. That is not per person, that is total. So £0.79 per hour per person for the bare minimum. Paid carers will get, minimum, £12.71 per hour but many often get more as it is a struggle to recruit them.

So if I stop doing what I do, you will have pay your taxes to have someone else do what I do, in order that I earn more.

And further, so many many people really do not have "the basics" at the moment. It shouldnt be like that but it is. The fact that you can't see that is really quite depressing.

I'm guessing that if she'd approached her ex it would have been a no, so she just did it anyway. OP has said they arrange holidays with DSS so they're obviously during school holidays, mum wanted a term time holiday by the sound of it. I'd have been onto the school to see what they knew.

Are you considering a like for like scenario when you answered this? what if like the OP, the reason your husband was down money and in a precarious situation on the job front at least in the short term was because the ex did this with no notice? would your husband really be killed with guilt, shame and the feeling of failure from that when it wasn't his fault?
And if you then had to cover the shortfall in your own household budget are you saying you would still manage to pay the maintenance to the ex?

And how do you think autistic kids get to special schools and schools with ASN bases - by taxi.
It wouldn't have been cheap but easier to arrange with less than 24hrs notice than a Childminder which was the previous posters idea

But whatever the Mum shouldn't have dumped the child at the last minute so she could swan off on holiday.

I do think if I was the Dad I'd be going for full custody of the kid.
Won't be easy making it work with his job but it has to be better than him getting dumped at the last minute.
I think for a NT child that would be very unsettling without it being a child with Autism

You mean he'd say no like he does when she takes her other three holidays a year for at least a week at a time? Oh no. Because he doesn't. He looks after DS every time.

If she'd asked him if he could have DS for a week during term time he'd most likely say no if he couldn't get time off work - the other holidays are pre-arranged for school holidays. The fact is she didn't even ask, she just dumped the poor kid.

you are not legally liable to pay for her child. your husband should get one step ahead of her and if they have a CMS case he should update them that he is out of work. do not let yourself or husband get drawn into arguments and document the abuse. you can upload her messages to chatgpt and it will give you calm factual responses hope that helps

The two in my family do go to their special school by taxi. But it took weeks and weeks to get to the point where they could cope with it. This child has literally been dropped into this situation without warning. He might never have been put in a taxi on his own! Just because some autistic children are able to do it doesn't mean this one can. His dad possibly considered it and couldn't make it work.

Also says he's self employed but he got sacked (without due process somehow), and we're asked to believe that a woman concealed her holiday plans from her teenage son/teenage so concealed them from his father, and that said father would rather lose his job than take any other appropriate action. And maintenance is due immediately the mother goes on holiday! And that's before we get to OPs apparently inability to just politely decline.

If any of this is true then the adults need to learn some serious adulting quick smart.

When do married couples get a break if one works much more than the other?

It's like losing a contract He's self employed so none of these " rights" you are warbling on about. Depending on how long it was for he now needs to line up other work. And it's not very good if you work for various people in the same industry as word gets about

Happens a lot with tradies for example. There is no “due process” it’s just we don’t need you next week, cheers bye. Here’s your final wage off you pop.

We all have a back story. You have also repeatedly made negative assumptions about people, based on nothing but your reverse snobbery. Yes I would be happy to pay more tax to support familial carers, I've had to rely on them in the past. I would also happily increase taxes for all of us to support anyone in need, even though people on pip/universal credit get an absolute slating.

There are many people in your position or worse, so stop being bitter about it and assuming you know our life stories and indeed that we know yours.

I’m sure there are some deadbeat Dad’s out there who absolutely capitalise on that. DH fortunately wasn’t one of those, would never have married him if he was like that.

I’d just been made redundant whilst heavily pregnant anyway, so there was no extra money.

I wouldn’t have been happy contributing my hard earned money to CM anyway. Not because I don’t care about my stepkids, but because his ex wife is an heiress and didn’t need the cash. It wasn’t about the money, but about control. As some men weaponise CM, so do some mothers.

Dumping her son while he’s at school and being an hour away from you - is just selfish of her

if a parent moves away and often it’s the dad but in this case the mum - then the other parent can’t see/look after their child weekdays due to school and travel

but the dad does have school holidays

I think he's probably a self-employed contractor, perhaps in construction or something like that.

The rules aren't the same. You turn up and do the job or they have to find someone else.

It sounds like there’s more to this. Who would ‘forget’ that they’re going on holiday and only call from the airport?!! Sounds like utter bullshit to me. Didn’t DH say to her that it if she went on the holiday then he’d lose his job, meaning no maintenance?

You’ve got no responsibility to pay so just block her on everything so she can’t contact you.

Remember there won't be a next week's wage or likely the one after that

He's let people down at the last minute getting a project finished.
They've decided they don't want to offer a contract for the next project.

He won't be able to claim UC easily because of the self employed thing, its not as easy as going in signing on for the unemployed part.

He needs time to find another suitable roll. With what is now a rubbish reference. Small industries people talk. Its not just the written traceable reference people need to worry about, Yes Bob worked here Jan-May, its the real reference in the pub or the phone call, To you know Bob? Aye he's an arse, never rocked up for the last week, left the rest of us to get it finished and over the line.