To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

I doubt he would have lost his job if they had any other option.

This was Sunday evening with an autistic child who suddenly found out at same time as his dad that things have drastically changed

Finding a babysitter who will managed a young man who routine has unexpectedly gone out the window and will.be different again if he can't go to school isn't going to easy or workout.

Indeed, but a response does not necessarily imply disagreement or criticism.

I was actually agreeing with your suggestion as to why the child's mother might have acted as she did. I then added a further comment noting that, regardless of her reasons, this wasn't the OP's problem. That was not intended to suggest that you thought it should be the OP's problem, it was merely a statement of fact.

Tell her to piss up a rope

I know someone who did just that, his new wife worked shifts and when had their child. They decided he would be the stay at home dad. As he worked shifts too and it was hard to get childcare.
Only had his first child every other weekend.

is EOW week or weekend because sounds like you have DSS enough that CMS might not even be due.

but you don’t owe DHs CMS and XW caused this I’d ignore

The parent is responsible legally for CMs. Not the household or parent and parents new partner.

And I am glad. My DH has a child from a previous, and whilst I don’t mind the kid, the mums is a nightmare, and I would not be keen to find her life.

She left her child with his parent. That’s not abandoning, unless the OP’s DH also abandons his child for two weeks at a time twice a month?

It's astonishing that there are people out there who think their ex-partner's new partner should be funding their child and their lifestyle.

(although I know that a step-parent's income is taken into account for student loans, not sure I agree with that either).

And really stupid decisions from op and her husband.

Why is it always the mother who is the parent of last resort?

This. Why would he risk his job and financial security of both households just to do the school runs.

No your not liable to pay her OP. She can feel some consequences for her actions, just as your house will have to

@Redbean667

What's your DH's take on this?

I wish people would read the thread properly :

The ex moved away to be with her new husband.

Dss is autistic and can’t be left alone

Mum and new dh have never taken the autistic son on holiday.

Sounds like mum is fed up of coping with autistic ds and wanted a break.

All these posters attacking the OP and her DH, who've done nothing wrong!

DSS's DM dumped him on them at the last minute and her selfish thoughtlessness has cost the OP's DH his job and her her precious CM, which bloody serves her right. Selfish cow!

This is why I think both parents should make every effort to live close together. Obviously there’ll be some circumstances where it’s not possible (forces family or something) but generally they should both try.

It’s not fair on kids if when they’re with one parent they are away from all their friends, hobbies etc

Exactly this I know someone who lost custody of her child for doing this. There were other reasons as well why she lost custody. But he ended up living with his dad.

Some people I think are just making suggestions for another time or how to improve the set up in general rather than criticising- from a place of trying to prevent it happening again!

I feel sorry for you, your DH and the poor lad. I can't believe what the 'DM' did, not telling her DS or you! In a way, providing your DH can get another job soon, it will serve her right not getting any maintenance. Do not pay a penny! It is totally not your responsibility. Both of you need to block her til she's due home. Hope she has an awful holiday.

She has more front than Blackpool!

She announces that she is going away from the airport which loses her ex his job and THEN demands to still get the CM admitting that she needs it for her holiday when CM is paid for the upkeep of the child, not this selfish cow to swan off and spend on cocktails!

His CM is in no way your responsibly, but he does sound a bit shit if he is an eow dad and is penniless after not working for a week. I think it's always a bit sad when the step kids see much more of 'dad' than his kid does.

Speaking as someone who coparents (ha!) with a father who only sees our children EOW. You should not have to pay towards his child maintenance. However she may have already paid for a number of things this month (clothes, food, activities) out of her own pocket and therefore was depending upon the money coming from your DH. I can say with certainty that her outgoings will far exceed anything that CMS have awarded.

I'd be absolutely fuming at this....she dumped her son on you and forgets she is going on holiday ( sounds like a piece of work.

Definitely don't pay her id put the money in going to family courts and getting everything down on paper .. to prevent her pulling stunts like this.
Courts don't take kindly to parents like this x

I'm not sure why the OP is getting bashed here. Her husband's child maintenance obligations are not hers to pay when he can't. He's lost out on work due to his child's mum's failure to plan appropriately. She didn't even tell her kid she was spending a whole week with dad, she rang from the airport like "oh by the way our son needs to spend the week with you, sorry I forgot to tell you but I'm jetting off on holiday and I'm in the airport waiting to board a plane" I dread to think how that poor lad feels. He's 12 and his mum has fucked off on a lovely holiday abroad without him and he didn't even know about it til she called his dad and he got told he's not going home for a week. The lads mum is deluded if she honestly thinks that her cause of her ex husbands financial situation is down to his current wife to fix..she's now supporting the whole household without her husband's financial contributions and thinks she has every right to go to her with her hands out for HER son's child maintenance-which the selfish cow isn't even intending to spend on him as she's banked on it to use for her holiday spends. Honestly I'd tell the spiteful cow to swivel and if she's that fussed she can ask child maintenance if THEY think her ex husbands wife should be paying her

Ex also goes on holiday more than once a year without her son.

EOWE is a normal arrangement. My DS has his DC every other week-end (and time during the holidays as well - he loves his DC) and my step-GS has a similar arrangement though my DiL does a lot of child-minding for him and his ex as well. DS's DC have a sister at home who is not DS's child so the question of breaks from childcare for ex-DiL don't arise (and she has new partner which DS does not).
OP's DH is doing his best in weekly paid work and his bloody stupid ex dropped his DS on him without notice, clearly on purpose, who forgets they are going on holiday. Myself I would have told her to come and fetch her child as it was not possible for him to be looked after because of work commitments, but clearly OP's DH did not want to do that to his DS - so his ex is manipulative as well. Thanks to her manipulative nature OP's DH has lost his job and can't pay maintenance, so ex will have to go without. She shouldn't 'need it' for her holiday anyway since the money is for her DS.