To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

Do you write in caps at work then? Or do you know that there it would make you look petulant?

Maybe she moved for work, or a relationship, or for a better school. Why is she the one who should make accommodations? Why are shit fathers so acceptable to you? Don't bother answering, we are never going to agree. Switched off notifications so I don't have to read anymore inane babble.

Why are you in so much denial that mothers can also be shit!

Never said she wasn't. In fact I described her behaviour as appalling. Poor kid.

Thought you were turning off notifications 😂

You know nothing about these people but are very judgemental of his abilities as a father!

Very difficult when the child has special needs, the op explained for example they cant leave him alone as he might burn the house down.

She didn’t “forget”. She now has to suffer the consequences of her actions and is lashing out.

Hope your DH can find a new job soon for everyone’s sake.

There isn’t a single job that would pay enough for me to be happy to see my child every other weekend. And having a job doesn’t absolve you of any parenting duties. The mum behaved poorly but childcare issues are part and parcel of parcel of being a parent. If your job isn’t family friendly then find a new job. You don’t get to check out for weeks at a time just because you work.

That’s not how it works though is it? Else every parent would have a family friendly job, whatever their relationship status.

in real life generally in a relationship one parent takes on the child responsibilities, works pt, family friendly, or is a sahm while the other take on the responsibility of a career and earning.

i find it odd that women are quite happy to give up their jobs and careers, enabling their partner to work those long, family unfriendly hours. They deal with the kids, dad sees them on weekends and may on an evening, if he gets home in time.

then once they split suddenly that job they were happy with is not enough to support two home, so they need a higher paying job. In the same breath that job also needs to be family friendly so they can do 50:50 of the parenting.

after a split both parents having family friendly hours is often even less feasible, and now there are two homes to support. Even if dad can support himself on his wage, that leaves mum with no cs.

It’s ok for dad to work and barely see the kids when you’re in the relationship, but once you’re not you want the money and him to take on 50:50 care. If mum has given up her job to be supported by her ex, then she now needs to get back in the workplace, which is difficult after a break, and then that means she only sees her kids weekends as well.

kids and finances do not split easily into two.

@Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwx EOW can be decided by the courts, even if a parent vehemently objects to it.

& is able to finance 3 holidays a year.

Sorry meant to quote @Youshouldbestrongerthanme

Even if Dad was at home midweek over nights probably wouldn't work due to hours drive to school in morning.
Going out to dinner would probably be £50 but the time you pay 2 adult meals, drinks and fuel
Mum probably doesn't want to only have her child for the grunt work getting them out to school in morning.
Which then means Dad gets reduced to every other weekend.

Dad probably works away because of skills and you go where the work is, earning decent money or stay home on NMW.

@Somememorable From both professional and personal experience this is absolutely not true. Have you heard of Parental Alienation? It is very, very real and destroys families. Usually perpetrated by narcissists in which the main intention isn't for the children to have a meaningful relationship with both parents, but to "punish" the other parent for leaving. There is often a clear pattern of coercive control present historically within the marriage, but a shrewd controller is often very careful to leave no obvious trail. There is often also financial abuse and imbalance - "money can buy children' in some cases of Voice of The Child; "If you do X, I will buy you Y."
There are campaigns for more training to be rolled out to "professionals,' but in the meantime, a significant number of parents (both mothers and fathers) are unfairly alienated from their children through absolutely no fault of their own.
So to say all EOW parents are "bad" ones is simply reductive, insulting, and entirely untrue.

Absolutely not EOW parents are poor parents.

However for a judge to decide that a parent must only see their child EOW despite said parent desperately requesting more… would indicate a very very strong case against why the parent should have more @Youshouldbestrongerthanme

There is a Mum up thread who admitted she fought so Dad only had EOW as SHE didn't want to be the parent doing the grunt work while Dad has fun every weekend.

She wants quality time with her kids too.

I don't know how people can't see that. Its probably easy if you live nearby to have kids midweek but if your an hour away then it just isn't practical.
Not to mention so many kids are doing sports 2/3 times a week. They need down time just chilling in front of the telly too.

I can’t see what your point is?

surely that mother was totally valid to want to enjoy EOW with her child rather than only the Monday - Friday . The dad could have said… ok I’ll take EOW plus some of the “grunt” work

my ex has EOW
but we live a 10 minute walk away and very amicable (he is one of my best friends) so there’s often a free flow.

However we agreed that between ourselves as he earns MUCH more than me and works loads more hours (and I benefit from that too financially!). So no court involvement. But if a court specifically overrules a parent wanting more EOW…. Then it will be for a valid reason!

My point is this Dad is getting called a shit parent because he only does EOW.

When it isn't really his fault he only does EOW.

Why didn’t he offer to do week day “grunt work” then?

Again though, when you split you have to split one family home into two.

if that is not a financial option, which it often isn’t, one parent will often have to move away, or rent a shared house, or somewhere else unsuitable for kids.

which can make it impossible to be having the kids in the week for the “grunt” work. Too far from school, hobbies etc. nowhere to for overnight. Plus it can be disruptive to the kids. If he’s close enough does mum want him popping in every night to put the kids to bed? What if she has a new partner?

my brother’s ex moved her OM in the night she asked him to leave. He has not been allowed back in the house. He’s living in shared accommodation. He has his kids when he can but can’t do weekday overnights because the shared house is unsuitable- he takes them to our parents on a weekend. It was every weekend to start with when his ex wanted to do adult things with OM, then she insisted on EOW because she wanted to do family things with the kids when her OM had his kids.

as I always say on these threads kids, finances and homes don’t split into two.

So if the father literally could not have Monday to Friday because of logistics…. I still don’t think fair the mother only gets Monday to Friday and Disney dad gets all the weekends.

Do you have children? If you do you’ll know weekdays are pretty much school, clubs, homework, dinner, bed. Rose and repeat the next day.

Weekends are the time for chilling, relaxed mornings, walks, films together, and age dependent activities

Well maybe the mother shouldn’t have had an affair and blown the family apart then.

shit happens. I am quite happy to do all the “grunt work” with my kids, as well as the happy stuff. It’s the daily stuff that builds the relationship and forms bonds. Seeing your kids every weekend is crap, and I know my brother would far rather be putting his kids to bed in their own home. Instead there’s another man doing it, the kids don’t know any different, and he can’t afford feel them slipping away as they get older and don’t want to go to grandparents every weekend.