To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

Ignore her completely, she is being unreasonable. If it’s via CMS though he will build up arrears etc he will need to notify CMS straightaway re job loss. She is being unreasonable and very controlling.

Chances are she knew what his job was before, during and after they were married and what the consequences of her actions would be.

it always surprises me slightly when women marry men in these jobs, opt to go part time round them and take on the bulk of the childcare, then when they split suddenly start expecting them to change jobs/earn more money/be around more.

the vast majority of women on these boards seem to fall into the traditional roles, say they need to be PT/sah because their Dh’s job is so important.

then comes the split and all of a sudden he doesn’t earn enough, he’s not around in the week, can’t take time off whenever she needs. What worked to her advantage in marriage doesn’t after a split, and it’s all his fault.

you want you kids father to be an equal parent? Do that from the beginning when the kids are born. Not just from when you split.

1. The money is for the care of the child not the mother's vacation.
2. She did not have custody of the child, he did, because she was on vacation. So he should get to keep the money for that time frame since the child was in his custody.
3. Her actions are directly contributory to his loss of employment. He absolutely should go back and get a new child support order while he is out of work. And her part in his sudden unscheduled custody of his son should be considered when a new lower child support request is made.
4. You are not a party to their child custodial agreement and do not owe anything. However, your income might be considered when the powers that be decide what new amount he owes.

Best of luck.

Are you in the UK?

child support is calculated on the non resident’s income only. No one else’s. Hers is completely irrelevant and won’t be considered.

what child support order should he be getting? If he can’t pay he can’t. If his ex thinks he is lying she needs to go to the CMS. Again, her actions won’t make a difference or be taken into account, it is a simple mathematical calculation from his income.

Just to all the people saying he should parent more - I fought my ex husband so he DIDN’T get every weekend. His location meant weeknights wouldn’t work for our son’s school and clubs but he wanted every weekend. And I was like, absolutely not. I don’t get to be ‘homework vegetables get UP!’ mum without also getting the chance to be ‘football park cinema’ mum.

I can totally see that being the case here too. Your not the only person who I've come across with that setup.

I also know someone who feels the midweek visits to Dads house are really unsettling for the kids and school.

There’s a lot of spite in her actions, if as you say, you’ve always accommodated her holidays or when she needed you to have DSS more.

Did your DSS know they were going? If not, how did he cope with plans changing last minute?

Did you miss the bit where school is an hour away? With that distance it’s possible there’s no suitable public transport available.

Op put you straight didn't she lol

aw shit 😆

I am ashamed. Truly. I am one of those people 😭

When she gives advance notice not when she is on the airport

Oh, I totally believe the mum's done this. My adult DSD's mum used to pull this kind of stunt when she was little. Some people do seem to think co-parenting with an ex is an excuse to feather their own nests - sometimes at the expense of their DCs, unfortunately.

Her actions caused DH to loose his Job and now he can't pay maintenance until he finds new work. He doesn't have to pay while he isn't earning and you don't have any obligation to pay. He has to keep repeating, no payment until he is earning again. Hopefully that will stop her doing this again.

I would be interested to hear her side of the story. Is she a selfish bitch or is she overwhelmed with an autistic son to look after most of the time with no real support. Does DH need to look after him more often so she doesn't need to go to extreme lengths for a break?

That’s the issue , she didn’t NEED to. OP and her DH have always accommodated her (3 a year, adult only) holidays when they had notice of it. All she had to do was simply tell them in advance so they could plan for it.

She knows her ex is self employed, so if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid. Even if he wasn’t fired, he wouldn’t have had any income this week anyway.

HA! Shes deluded, absolutely not your problem.

If OPs partner didn’t have a partner, he wouldn’t likely have an alternative. He has to house/feed himself too. In this case he has other children too.
Im normally always on the side of mum in these situations but going away last mintue, knowing the issues it will cause (also to your child), is not on. She has the money for a holiday so she has extra income. She should make it up .

You are not in any way responsible for maintenence for someone else's child. How odd, she rang you from the airport, saying she forgot to mention she was going on holiday, what a load of bull. She planned it that way then her ex husband wouldn't be given the opportunity to decline due to his work. She is being very deceitful, is th8s a start of things to come....The child support is for their son, not for her spending money on holiday. Decline her calls ,while she is away

In actual fact OP l would say that cf owes you maintenance money for that week
I would mention it to her when she next tries to contact you. Obviously she has little concern about her DS as she has not even told him that she's going away.

Notmeagain12
Not UK, your system sounds so much better!

Edit was to add their name!

Absolutely fucking not. I’d love to know the rationale of the 2% who have voted YABU.

I feel you, OP, my other half’s ex pulls stunts like this and it’s purely a control thing.

She was counting on the CMS money while away on her holiday without her DS 🤨? hmmmmm. What a bloody cheek.

Payments are calculated on income, no income no payments

That's very harsh. EOW is quite normal. She 'gets a break' every other weekend, as do a huge number of single parents. I raised three boys and their Dad had them every other weekend. I wouldn't have had it any other way - the weekend they were at home with me was our time for having fun and enjoying life, after a week of school & work. The weekend they were at their Dad's was when I could do what I chose. Excellent balance.

And here it is. Stepmum asks for help in what is a shit situation caused by the mum and somehow, this is the immediate issue

Wow. You know nothing of their situation, work patterns or what they boys mum is allowing them. Don’t be so judgmental