To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

I would not pay her a penny. Even if you feel morally obliged (and I wouldn't, in your shoes) you have no legal obligation whatsoever

Why would she have a break? She’s his parent. You don’t get a break when you become a parent. If she was still with the Dad she would have her child 24/7. Also I would assume she wants to have at least every other weekend with her child. When else would she see her child if he is at school full time? I can’t imagine any single parent would want their child to go to the other parent’s house every weekend.

That’s not true when it comes to CMS I’m afraid

You'd think not. But when my DSD was little (living in the next street, EOW plus lots of time in the week which was nice for us all) her mum asked if we could switch from EOW to taking her for a day every weekend so that she could have 'a break from her'. At a time when DSD (then 6) was feeling pushed out already by the arrival of her baby sister. 🤷‍♀️

She hasn’t said that though. She says she’s scrambling to cover the house and life costs, but that’s what any couple does if one loses their job- they work out if they can get by on one salary without digging into savings while the one who lost their job tries to get another one. Self employed as a subbie type role is not the same as a freelancer who regularly gets lots of jobs.

Its not just surviving without a weeks pay, it not having a job to go back to.

Shit world we live in.
I don't get how half of MN don't get that weekly paid, self employed status can be shit, trying to always keep work coming in.

You have no idea what he does.
He could have quite a specialist skill set, like putting up motorway crash barriers or something, might not be that easy to get a another job paying the same money.

Yes he could probably get a NMW job locally no problem, but its not going to keep the money flowing to either the ex or his current household.

So why the fuck doesn't he have a buffer. He's an adult with a child.

And you don't know that they have savings, they sound desperate. Are you OP under a different name?? You're very keen to defend an (alternate) weekend dad who you don't know from Adam.

He’s not an employee, he’s a self employed sub contractor

Have you read all the OPs updates? Here are the facts:

His ex wife moved away, taking their son.

this now means the sons school is an hour away.

because of this, and the fact the OPs husband works away, they can only have the son at weekends.

the ex booked a holiday ages ago, but didn’t tell OPs DH so he could make suitable arrangements and just dumped their son on him.

Because the OPs husband is a self employed sub contractor he has now lost his job as he has to look after his son, whereas had he had. Price he would have taken holiday or made suitable alternative arrangements for his autistic child.

Also ex has remarried, so isn’t a “struggling single mum” but does have support.

I am struggling to see how any of this is the OP or her husbands fault?

Maybe they don't, lots of people don't and it's not because they don't work hard. Are you the wife under a different name? you're very keen to label a mum dropping her child at dads for an unplanned week with no communications and no notice as a very planned sounding 'leaving him with his capable father', did you notice he absolutely prioritised his son and promptly took leave to care for him? You're also quick to label him a deadbeat dad for doing eow when she is the one who moved an hour away, do you do 2 x 2 hours commutes to drop children at school and fit it in around your working hours?

Poor bloke AND he shows up for his son once a fortnight. He's a goddamn hero. I would love to hear the ex's side of the story.

🥱

I can’t imagine any single parent would want their child to go to the other parent’s house every weekend.

I always used to think that separated parents would fight because each of them wanted to see the child more, but in reality its the child-free time that's more sought after

HE didn’t choose to move his child an hour away.
HE didn’t choose for his ex to bugger off on holiday and not tell anyone (twice)

I feel like you may be projecting your own problems on him?

Agree.

Mums aren't always saints in these scenarios, and dads aren't always villains. There's always so much projection on these threads.

Have you read the thread? OP clearly stated, her partners current contract is away from home. He leaves on Sunday and is away all week. So his current role doesn't support him doing the school run, which is an hour from their house.

I'm sure if the job was more local he would be fine to do it. In this case, he had to take the week off work, which his ex gave him no time to organise (and might not have been approved anyway as they said it was a crucial time in the project).

Yes, lots of dad's don't do the school run, they don't prioritise it for their work day. In this case, he couldn't do it alongside his job, work he had in line with his childcare schedule. The ex should absolutely have given notice of the holiday, allowed them to plan around, and then he might not have lost the contract. It is completely her fault that she has lost maintenance until he finds more work. He can't pay a share of earnings he isn't getting, due to her actions

As much as my sympathies lie with Op and her Partner I'm not exactly privy to knowing the ins and outs of their financial situation

I don't have any of these problems. My ex is a very kind, involved dad who moved to be closer to us. This bloke is great stepdad and a shit dad. Not sure why everyone is so keen to lick his boots. HE is crap, and using CAPs is the online equivalent of having a TANTRUM.

I’d have made arrangements to drop DSS off to his grandparents on mother’s side. Absolutely do not hand over any of your wage to the mother as that’s not your responsibility. You’ve looked after her son for the week which wasn’t planned so you’ve done more than your share. CMS won’t ask for anything if he’s got no income at most they would expect a small amount from any job seekers he was receiving.

So she is more than happy to demand your money which she knows full well is money you earn to provide for your own children. Your household will be your biggest priority more than ever now that you’re on one income. So she can jog on and sort her own household out instead of hassling you to prop her up at the expense of your children.

Oh do grow up. I used caps to make a point - not a tantrum. Im a grown, rational adult who can see the ex is the massively unreasonable one here.

His ex decided to move away from where they had always lived - why should he have to uproot his family to follow them? She should be the one making accommodations, not him.

Oh don't be so ridiculous.