To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

@TwinklySquid I understand where you’re coming from, but I have no sympathy for a parent contributing the bare minimum, quibbling child maintenance because actually caring for their child leads to loss of earnings. Millions of mothers face the same issue
due to last minute childcare issues or limited work opportunities in general because of being the main carer. You take the hit and pool the money from where ever you can, because it’s in the best interest of the child. poor behaviour from the other parent should never be an excuse not to provide for your child.

my step-sons dad was quite hard work. He has a restraining order in place preventing him talking to my wife after he assaulted her. He assaulted me too but I accepted he needed one contact with one of us.

he was a very much part time dad. We had moved 3 hours drive away, but I would drive half way on a Friday and Sunday every 3 weeks.

At his house there would be no limits, just fun. Step-son always struggled to settle down to normal life after a visit and we are convinced dad encouraged him to misbehave. Eventually he got what he wanted and step-son went to live with him.

one of my favourite conversations ever was the one when he asked me about what maintenance. I said good news you don’t have to pay it anymore…

anyway he seemed to think I was going to pay it.. I think not’

he also found out that you repeat you sow and full time dad work was a lot harden than the part time!

Sounds like he works in the construction industry as a self employed sub contractor. You’ve no rights, no parental leave, no sick leave etc. Work dries up, you’re out. Same with delayed parts and supplies, endless shitty weather, having an accident or calling off at the last minute. No rights and you are out. It’s a legitimate government industry but extremely shit. Absolutely standard in the building industry.

She IS providing for him, as he is with them for the week, the husband now has no income and and he is being fed and housed etc. If anything the ex owes THEM for the week! There is certainly no CM due for this week!

@PyongyangKipperbang fair enough for this week, but after that I stick to my point. Hopefully he picks up some more work soon

Only 12 though so bit of a shame. @Redbean667could your husband have explained to his boss and worked ANY hours , with pick ups /drop offs between you ? I work 12.5 hour shifts , but the other side is you only normally do 2 or 3 a week.
Absolutely you don’t have to pay his CMS.

The OP’s DH’s ex is also married - which is why she moved away - making it impossible for the OP’s darling husband to have DSS during the week as he goes to school an hour away.

Why does she need a break more than the OP? She gets three holidays away whereas the OP (rightly) takes DSS on their holidays away. She also has two other children so isn’t footloose and fancy free.

On one hand I see your point but on the other, you cannot deny that she is an utterly CF and a selfish crap mother? Why the hell shouldnt she see the consequences of her actions?

The DH isnt working as a direct result of what she has done, so if she cant afford to pay for his needs he can stay with the OP until he gets more work, and DSD will be included in any UC claim they make and not on hers. Bet she wont want to go for that though.

Child maintenance isn’t a joint expense that comes from their shared/family income. It’s his expense, and he can’t currently pay it.

Not when she has directly affected their family income by being so selfish.

The OP has two other children and a whole household to support. The ex also has a husband so will have to manage until the OP’s DH can get another job. Actions have consequences.

Did you not read the OP?

She said " we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week"

So where was he alone?

I bet she won't be pulling that stunt a 3rd time. FAFO at it's finest.

Assuming the child is ok to eat dinner out. It's only fairly recently we'd have taken DS out for an evening meal as he couldn't cope with anything he considered to be pub like, which was most places in the evening.

DS also couldn't manage a taxi to school, DH has to take him and bring him home.

@PyongyangKipperbang personally no I wouldn’t ever behave in that way, but I do think it’s not as simple as saying, ok well I pay you a certain amount because legally that’s what I have to do, so anything that passes that threshold is not my responsibility.
providing for your children shouldn’t just work from a legal bare minimum standpoint surely?
i understand as many others have pointed out that OP has zero responsibility to help make consistent payments while her partner is out of work, my opinion is only from my own moral view of what it means to be in a blended family, considering what is best for the child (disregarding poor parenting choices).
also if you took into consideration the actual cost financially, physically and emotionally of raising a child 85% of the time I highly doubt that the CMS payments even come close to covering it, it’s a very broken system that like most others favours men, allowing them a sense of entitlement that has not been earned.
50/50 care and financing, absolutely yes make a fuss in this situation.
4 nights a month, and being bereft because it’s comprised your earnings to care for your child for a week. Not so valid in my opinion.

I would also mention to her it will be a weeks less pay when she does get paid maintenance as he was left with you for a whole week

Would you ever consider taking DSS on full time? Sounds like you have a heap of evidence re lack of parental responsibility and misuse of child maintenance to make a good claim for FT or primary care!

This can't be a serious question. Why are you even talking to this idiot?

She was meant to have him back - she had not arranged childcare - she rang and said it was their problem - that is abandonment and neglect - SS would not look kindly

This. She sounds like an absolute CF.

But OP’s DH works away fron Sunday to Friday?

Ime some dm's don't want the df to step up to 50/50 because then they get no cms. Seems this ex had her own motive for wanting cms.. Nothing to do with the dc's wellbeing..

But he was not left alone as you stated

You said the child was not left with his father. Mum rang from the airport and said he was alone

Yip I can totally see why meeting mid week doesn't work for the Dad.
There is also cost too. By 12 your paying adult meals and no doubt they want dessert.
Plus fuel to get there and back. Probably little change out £50.

Its not going to be easy for him to pick up more work.
I also suspect he's in construction, the unofficial references are definitely a thing, the phone calls, the chat in the pub, Do you know Bob ? Aye, flaky let us down at the last minute

Op put you straight didn't she lol