To not contribute to DH child maintenance

[Redbean667]

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house.
we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute.
He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility.
I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home.
so AIBU for not paying her

She never takes him because she’s probably exhausted from doing all the parenting that your husband fails to do! She has probably asked for cover and he has said no, leaving her no choice. Why isn’t he looking for more flexibility in his jobs so he can actually parent his own child! She is being a CF on the payments though.

Well if she hadn't moved away with the new DH, then the dad could have been more present. Maybe she should move back to where the dad is if she wants more help.

In the middle of this shitshow is a poor child whose mother apparently swans off without ensuring childcare is in place.
I wonder what her version of the story is? Because either there's a huge backstory that you're not telling us or she's being a terrible parent.
You and your husband need to step up and make sure this child feels secure, loved and wanted. If that means you both have to rearrange your lives so he spends more time at yours, then so be it. If that means your husband fights for custody, so be it.
You both have it in your power to make this child's life better so just do it.

Calm your pants.

The boy can't be left alone.
Schools are off about 13 weeks a year
Parents generally get 4/5 weeks each.
Two parents that's 10 weeks cover and still leaves 3 weeks cover to find.

Between them they've now had 2weeks off.

Thats also another 2 weeks they need to find holiday cover for.

The Mum sounds an absolute bitch.
I'd be trying to get full custody of him.

Well if she hadn't moved away with the new DH, then the dad could have been more present. Maybe she should move back to where the dad is if she wants more help.

Maybe Op's husband has always worked away?

That wasn't the scenario I was responding to, however unless he has paid no NI he will be able to claim UC just like everyone else. As an adult and especially as a business owner/self employed he should have contingency plans in place and it is paramount that these include his child.

That being said his ex has behaved appallingly, not that it makes it any better, but I wonder if it is in retaliation to something else. Regardless the OPs husband is a very part time dad and sounds completely feckless.

A woman can leave her husband and kids and go part time etc. what's the difference?

I’m astonished how many people have referenced:
calling social services
calling the police
child neglect
child abandonment

The child was physically in the custody of his father when the mother made her phone call. Do you think that when the many, many men who walk out on their wives and children those women should call the police? Social services? If not, why not?

You absolutely aren’t on the hook for the child maintenance OP. I would suggest, as per the suggestion upthread, that your DH log a case with CMS himself. CMS use HMRC tax records to calculate the amount of maintenance payable.

Many self-employed men under-declare their earnings to reduce child maintenance but as you indicate your DH is a good man who loves his son I’m sure he would not do this.

Remember on average in the UK people are 3 pay cheques away from disaster.
Lots of people just don't have much in the way of an emergency fund.
Even if they do get UC its unlikely to cover all the bills, mortgage, car payments and any other subscriptions that they might be tied into.

He might very part-time but I don't see how better they can split time with her being 40mins away and school a further 20mins.
Which makes mid week visits very difficult.

If he had the boy every weekend then the mum would be moaning about lack of quality time.

3 months is very different to 1 week. As I say he is not a teenager. I've been unemployed with no partner before, so had to sort all this shit out on my own. Sorry but he sounds bloody useless, not sure why you are so eager to jump to his defense.

You don't know that he is very part time and you don't know that about his mum.

Dad sounds very ill prepared and rather hopeless. 40mins in nothing to go and take your kid out for dinner, if, if he actually wanted to.

If he was still in the dating pool you would send in the piranhas rather than fish him oir.

This is bloody awful behaviour, I am livid on your behalf. Selfish cow.

This

a little hard to parent /do school runs etc when an hour way

mum moved. Not the dad

Not realistic at short notice. Childminders are hard enough to get with plenty of notice, let alone none.

I think people are giving constructive advice moreso than attacking. It's not just the mum who's lost her maintenance but this household has now lost a full income which impacts everyone in the scenario.
Nobody is saying what the mum did is right in any way but there was potentially a way to make this work where the husband didn't have to miss a full week and lose his job.

‘needed that money while away’ so to spend on herself during holiday?..
Nope! Do not give her money! Child maintainance is for his son not for her to enjoy herself.

Maintence is given to the other parent to take care of the child right? But right now his son is being taken care of by you two, that is maintence right there, he's got food, shelter, clothing, everything the maintence is suppose to be for. So this weeks maintenence isn't needed by her because you guys are providing everything he needs for this week.

Secondly it's not your responsibility whatsoever to cover child maintenance, and she has a nerve to even say so!

She's the once who caused all this, she thought she was being clever not telling you until the last minute, but messed everything up and shot herself in the foot..

I don't say this often, because I think it's claimed annoyingly often on Mumsnet but...
Is this real?

It just seems so unbelievable to me that:

1. The mum had the absolute unbelievably poor organisation skills to not make sure her CHILD was sorted before she pissed off on Holiday
2. The absolute cheek and entitlement of her in regards to leaving him with you for an entire week with no notice, demanding pay and standing it from her ex's wife.
3. That DH was let go and let go so quickly. Usually employers have some sort of understanding for family emergencies and there is usually some sort of investigation period where the employee is suspended on full pay before being sacked, unless DH was self employed or from some country with no employee rights like the US.

Very skeptical tbh OP.

They take him every time the mother goes off on holiday without him but they had no notice so couldn't arrange things differently for that week. Its really not difficult to follow, keep up.

I've sadly met many mothers (and fathers) like this. As long as they get on holiday, they couldn't care less where there child goes. Constant photos of them on Instagram on holiday, but kids never get to go.

I know people go on Holiday without their kids and I sadly personally know a few people that do it a LOT. I have some very sad stories myself of people really not giving a toss in that regard.
But I just find this combination of factors so hard to believe and that someone wouldn't think about where their kid is going to go until the night before. It's madness.
Poor boy. He must feel so neglected :(

3 months might be different to a week but thats average. There will be people with 2 years of savings in the bank, and people with a whole lot less living pay cheques to pay cheque.

Remember he also works away from home.

But even if he was at home midweek, finishing work at 5.30, 40min to the boy, then another 10 to a restaurant thats 6.30 before food is even ordered, 7pm before it arrives at the table. Thats quite late dinner for a school night.
Thats also assuming Dad doesn't have a commute from office to home.
And the kid doesn't have clubs and things to get to.

Well I am on a low wage and manage to think more than one week ahead and not put my family at risk.

Do you know this man? You seem intent on fighting his corner. If you think he is worth getting your knickers in a twist over then you have very low standards.

Good for you if your able to budget money differently. People end up in shit financial circumstances for various reasons.

I have no more interest in him than you do but every man who works away gets a shit time on MN, nobody does it for thrills. People do it because they can earn more away than at home.

Op did mention that her husband works away from home thats why the contact is every other weekend.

Points 1&2 do happen as DSD's mother did exactly those things.
As for point 3 ....read the OP carefully then read what you wrote.

Unless there is more of a back story where the DSS's parents are known to have issues over their son's care & financial arrangements we can only go on what OP has said.

On the face of it his mum has dumped DSS & gone on holiday, notifying his dad from the airport. If that's the case and/or she's pulled this stunt before then that's not fair on anyone. She must know that both adults in the household work so what was her intention except to bog off abroad, and expect maintenance - yes she deserves a holiday but what kind of parent does what she's done.

Imagine how the poor child feels 💙