AIBU to consider private school for one child but not both in these circumstances?

[Privateforone]

Two daughters. We live in a grammar area with an outstanding girls grammar school and some ok but very large secondary schools.

Eldest is likely to get into the grammar and is keen to go if she can.

Youngest has some physical and neurological disabilities which don't affect her intelligence but do mean she struggles to take things in within a busy school environment and is falling behind despite best efforts to support her. Her difficulties are not extreme enough for a specialist school, and frankly she wouldn't fit in any of the right boxes for that anyway. She will massively struggle in a busy secondary school as some of her issues are cognitive overload related.

She is still in infants school, but the issues are unlikely to resolve and I cannot see her getting in to the grammar.

If my eldest does get into the grammar, do I put my youngest in a private secondary school because (a) the state ones will drown her (b) to equalise the opportunities between them.

Would my eldest feel hard done by with this, even though the grammar has a better reputation (and results) than the local independents? We couldn't put them both in private because it would be a push (but manageable) financially for just one. I'm thinking about this now so we could start financially planning for it if needed.

How old are they both?

7+9.

For those that saying I'm unreasonable (and frankly I'm not sure either way), what can you suggest I do to help even things up or if youngest can't cope with a large secondary school? I'd rather not homeschool her, especially at the secondary level, but again that's treating them very differently.

Choose, as far as you can, the best school for each kid as an individual. Your idea sounds fine to me. Of course if the eldest doesn't get into the grammar, you have another decision on your hands....

We have one in each for similar reasons. We explained it carefully to them - sadly the state options are too limited to suit every child & we are fortunate to have freedom of choice. It may come back to bite us in future with resentment one side or other but I was wiling to risk that over child 2 being f’d up by having to endure a damaging educational environment for his formative years.

It would be the only fair thing to do

Has your youngest got an EHCP?

No, because she can manage school on a part time timetable, and we provide a lot of scaffolding. If she starts falling behind more it may be needed. I think (and I mean no disrespect to those with ND here -my eldest likely is in any event) that most of the focus round here is for echps for kids with ND, and sometimes kids with more unusual issues but no ND and/or behavioural issues get missed.

It's been suggested by some professionals that she may struggle in a mainstream secondary, but there'd be no suitable specialist provision suitable locally anyway. The same professionals thought that an echo wasn't needed yet because school were being very flexible, but it might be needed in the future. That was a year ago though and she's struggled a lot more since then, so if things don't turn around, we might need to revisit the question.

I think it is fine to choose a private school for DD2 if DD1 gets into the grammar but it wouldn't be right for DD2.

However, a private school is not a magic bullet to resolve all concerns and I think you would be wise to take getting an EHCP for DD2 really seriously despite her currently coping OK if you already have evidence that she won't cope well in mainstream secondary. I know from experience that the process can take many years and if you wait until she is at secondary age and struggling, she may already be in y11 by the time you get anywhere. Pursue getting an EHCP more rigorously than you think is necessary - the system is designed to put people off so that only those with real determination/desperation get through. Managing school part time is NOT the same as being OK - she is entitled to a full-time education but isn't able to cope with full time exposure to a mainstream environment. That is VERY strong evidence that she will not be able to cope with a mainstream education at secondary level.

If she’s on a part time timetable, what are the plans to increase that to full time. Part time schooling isn’t a long term solution surely. I would start the process of requesting an EHCNA because, if she struggles in mainstream as time goes on, you will need some options for the right type of provision.

If your eldest is "likely ND" then will she be ok at the grammar? Or will she start to flounder once not at primary school?

I think it is fine to choose a private school for DD2 if DD1 gets into the grammar but it wouldn't be right for DD2.
However, a private school is not a magic bullet to resolve all concerns and I think you would be wise to take getting an EHCP for DD2 really seriously

I agree with @CoverLikelyZebra saying ^this.

DD2 needs an EHCP now. Don’t wait. Don’t listen to anyone saying it isn’t needed. It is. It doesn’t matter if the school is being flexible now. EHCPs don’t just cover ND conditions.

If DD2 can’t attend school full time, is alternative provision in place?

Second getting DD2 an EHCP as soon as you can. She is coping now with good support from school but having that legal document in place detailing exactly what she needs will really help when she leaves primary.
It can take a long time if you have to appeal any stage of the process so starting earlier is definitely to be recommended.
Also is DD1 is "likely ND" bear in mind she may need extra support/accommodations through secondary. My eldest (ASD) was completely fine until year 8 then the wheels came off quite dramatically

I don't think YABU but do have some perspective of a family home where one child went to a private school (me) and the other (my sibling) did not.

Private school in itself worked our very well for me and I thrived there as a child in a lot of ways whereas I struggled in mainstream school for a few reasons (none of which related to learning disabilities) but there's no getting around that it absolutely altered the relationship and dynamic I had with my sibling. Private school even as a non-boarder is very busy with differing term times and in my case very different culture and more frequent extra curricular activities, as well as a half day on Saturday. I therefore very rarely saw my sibling and when we did realistically our lives where quite different - different hobbies, priorities, curriculum, different types of trips abroad, We often were holidaying separately. I have a different accent to my immediate family. We had entirely different friends who never crossed paths and so on. Of course not everyone will end up in these same circumstances or extremes of the same but I do think it's naive to go in to it imagining it won't affect dynamics at all.

As an adult my sibling has in fact done quite well for themselves but the opportunities afforded to us have always been quite different and usually on paper more beneficial to me as a result of links to private education and whilst we aren't close regardless I do wonder what their feelings are on that. IMO they also would have done very well at the school I went to.

As others have said it's not a magic bullet, I have lots of friends from school who felt very negatively about it, those who boarded especially. School culture differs widely but I find (having also worked in a couple at one point) that they can be very competitive environments, the success culture can be very high and children who don't achieve highly or meet the social currency (what your parents do, what your house looks like) might struggle with feeling as though they fit in.

You are absolutely not unreasonable, you’ll be doing your best by both children.

I was going to do exactly this if my second didn’t get a grammar place. My eldest, who was in a super selective, understood why - basically the comps in our area are dreadful and we want the best for both of them. We didn’t need this in the end though but we had accepted the private school place in the January until the grammar offer came through in March.

Your daughter is bright, so she’ll get it.

I have done exactly this …..youngest was hugely scaffolded and part time school in primary. V anxious & easily overwhelmed and I could see he just wouldn’t cope in grammar (although would very likely have got in). Older two went grammar and youngest is at small private secondary. Best fit as far as we can possibly manage for each child although grammar is boringly sausage factory. Private secondary probably not quite academic enough as it is small and nurturing…but he is thriving, achieving well and actually in full time school which he didnt manage at all between year 2 and year 6 (and EHCP was declined and at mediation and I just didn’t have any bandwidth to take to tribunal).

How understanding is the older one of her younger sister's difficulties?

On a wider level does the older one ever get less attention - or less anything else - because DD2 needs more?

I think the relationship between them needs to be considered. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, but tread carefully with DD1.

I think eldest would resent her sister as she gets older because at independent schools there are so many other opportunities your state school DD would miss. My eldest DD got a scholarship to an independent school at 11. We offered younger DS to go. He said no. Later he regretted saying no as he saw his sister go on many overseas trips and he couldn't go because each time we put his name down for an overseas trip with his school it got cancelled due to not enough parents sending DC on trip.

Sometimes grammar schools are viewed as ‘better’ than independent schools so it’s not necessarily controversial. Does your eldest have friends who will probably go to the grammar with her? Would she want to go to the independent school if given the option?

I would consider this in your particular circumstances given possible SEN but you do have to be prepared that your eldest may resent that decision. They will have longer terms at grammar school and potentially less extras. Plus the family will also have less disposable income so I guess it will affect her in that regard too.

There is always real benefit for your youngest in NOT going to the same school and being compared to her sister. I think you have thought this through well xx

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5484488-ehcp-support-thread-no-6?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Just so you know, the law is the law - your LA can't just do its own thing.

The government are pushing through some really unwise changes at the moment so I suggest getting on the IPSEA website and using their template letter to request an EHCNA asap.

I am doing this and feel no guilt about it. Some kids, like my eldest will be fine wherever they go, and a grammar is a great option. Others need more support. You are not treating either unfairly, just giving them what they need. The only problem I anticipate is private school holidays vs state. Don’t think that is going to go down well.

Mostly very understanding, but sometimes she finds it frustrating. We try our best for youngest not to get more attention, but it's sadly inevitable that things revolve more around what she can manage. It's definitely impacts our family. However, she does lots of clubs and activities which would be too much for youngest, so there are definitely some things that are better for her.

Getting an EHCP can be difficult so definitely start the process now (and be prepared to fight).
One of my children is in a private school with a strong emphasis on pastoral care as they didn’t cope with a large secondary and the other is in the local secondary school. There is no resentment as they understand the difficulties the other one has and are perfectly happy with the situation. We are struggling to afford one though and be aware of all the other associated costs, trips, uniform etc. as it can get very expensive outside of the fees.