AIBU to consider private school for one child but not both in these circumstances?

[Privateforone]

Two daughters. We live in a grammar area with an outstanding girls grammar school and some ok but very large secondary schools.

Eldest is likely to get into the grammar and is keen to go if she can.

Youngest has some physical and neurological disabilities which don't affect her intelligence but do mean she struggles to take things in within a busy school environment and is falling behind despite best efforts to support her. Her difficulties are not extreme enough for a specialist school, and frankly she wouldn't fit in any of the right boxes for that anyway. She will massively struggle in a busy secondary school as some of her issues are cognitive overload related.

She is still in infants school, but the issues are unlikely to resolve and I cannot see her getting in to the grammar.

If my eldest does get into the grammar, do I put my youngest in a private secondary school because (a) the state ones will drown her (b) to equalise the opportunities between them.

Would my eldest feel hard done by with this, even though the grammar has a better reputation (and results) than the local independents? We couldn't put them both in private because it would be a push (but manageable) financially for just one. I'm thinking about this now so we could start financially planning for it if needed.

The alternative in place is that I do extra work with her at home if and when she is able to, which we manage most of the time.

Formal alternative provision wouldn't really work as she's overloaded as it is. The perfect environment for her would be a very very small class, with frequent breaks for her brain and part time. But they wouldn't get through the curriculum that way in a school and things aren't bad enough that she should be out of school with a tutor. The fudge we have works, but it can't work forever. Someone asked about plans to increase to full time - none at present because that is likely to be counterproductive at the moment.

I'll look at echp again, but we've got bigger battles that I'm using my energies on at the moment and don't have the energy to open up a new front right now.

It would be a struggle. Ironically I should be in a well paying job, but I had to give it up for lower paid work because of her health as it gives me more flexibility. There is potentially room for me to increase my income though if needs be.

Actually, there's a specialist school near me that I've found that's private but also has a lot of kids with echp's that would tick all the boxes.

It's small, pastoral focused and would support her needs well. They even have therapy dogs on site. Now just how to work out getting her there!! Ideally with an echp.

AP shouldn’t be relying on you. That still applies even if DD can’t manage organised sessions with formal AP providers and it needs to be as and when she is able to.

There are alternatives between full-time state MS and being out of school with a tutor.

It is possible to secure an EHCP for the presentation you describe. An EHCP is so much more than the academics too. It can includes therapies, so for example, you mention a therapy dog, an EHCP can include animal assisted therapy.

How would you manage things like this op? One dd being offered and needing to be funded significant more extra curriculars, trips etc?

DDs best friends family did this. The older dd is healthy sporty popular and thrived at the state (single sex good school). Her younger sister had friendship issues is a more difficult person generally and has two long term health conditions. The younger dd started at the state school but struggled so switched to a private school in year 8. The older dd is genuinely absolutely fine with it,

I think it’s fine, as you’re basing it on individual needs. Someone I know had one child at very expensive private, one at local state.

Not unreasonable. Selective grammar is the same as private imo so it would be equivalent treatment for both kids imo.

if the oldest doesn’t get into a grammar and you can’t afford private for two, I would consider state for both personally

Not a clue at present. Though yesterday I was musing on how much I want to take my eldest on a weekend trip to Disneyland Paris because we'd have a great time and I don't want her to miss out, but it would be too much for youngest. But if I waited to take them both together, the magic will have gone for eldest. It's tricky!

How do you think other SEN children manage? How would she manage in a more advanced setting? I think you're hoping to send a SEN child to an advanced setting, so they can be forced in accelerating their learning because of their learning difficulties. It sounds like they need a SEN school, or SEN at said Grammar school. The school will tailor their support and communicate that with you. I don't think you can base this on a 'what if'.

I think it's very reasonable. I think if your youngest is likely to have lifelong struggles, I can't imagine your eldest will see her attending a private school as unfair as eldest will have more advantages naturally. I would try to have cash available for abroad trips for eldest like ski trips, and cash for tutoring if she falls behind in a subject. Appreciate the lack of money tree.

That’s what the older DD in the family we know thinks. She’s a lovely girl and it’s pretty obvious she has significant advantages her younger sister does not have so she certainly doesn’t begrudge the sister going to a private school.

It might depend where you are, but in London lots of people turn down private places in favour of the super selective grammars. I’m sure cost is a large part of that, but they’re very much considered the first choice. Consequently they have a wealthier than average cohort and foreign trips etc are plentiful and oversubscribed ( this has its own problems for the poorer kids there).
I also have a SEN child who is never going to get into grammar. While mainstream independent can work, a lot are actually not very SEN friendly, and selective ones in particular don’t want anyone who may affect their results. Also they can have very low tolerance for even a hint of behaviour issues (including low level disruption). However the biggest issue is even the small, nurturing independents will expect you to pay for any extra support. I’m also concerned a lot of private schools are closing due to rising costs. If we go down that route it’ll only be if it’s funded through her EHCP.

This school is about 50-50 privately funded and echp funded from what I can seem. I think this option is far better than a regular private school for her and given it's a specialist place the eldest is less likely to be jealous.

Eldest has (likely, not diagnosed as yet, but pretty obvious) classic girl ADHD. She struggles with focus, memory, is a whirlwind Duracell bunny who doesn't sleep and struggles with emotional regulation. But she is incredibly bright and starting to learn how to best manage herself and with support I think she'll be fine. She is behaviourally impeccable in school. Her only issue with the 11+ will be if she can remember she's supposed to be doing the paper rather than staring into space!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to choose different schools for different children if their needs are genuinely different. “Fair” doesn’t always mean identical.
One thing I’ve found going through the 11+ with our twins is that there’s such a huge spectrum between children, even within the same family. One of ours thrives with busy/timed practice and competition, the other gets overwhelmed very quickly and does much better with shorter structured sessions and quieter learning at home.
I also think there’s sometimes an assumption now that every child needs years of intensive tutoring for the 11+, when actually some children respond much better to lower-pressure preparation and building confidence gradually.
Happy to share some of the resources we’ve found useful for keeping prep manageable at home if helpful.