AIBU to hold the line on school and not listen to upset teenage rants

[Windywho]

Im afraid my AIBU is around the how much shit do you take from your clearly unhappy child.

So to give the backstory first; My DD17 has Dyspraxia and ADHD but is likely more Audhd (she doesn’t want to consider autism and we go with that) Her behaviour is pretty good in that there is no smoking, drugs, she does an activity once a week, her grades are only ok (capable of much more but it also could be worse)

For the last number of years she has been capable of incredible rudeness, intransigence and just generally being difficult. Usual teenage stuff ramped up, but challenging to be around. She spent years being pretty rude to her younger sibling, who she now wants to engage with, but the sibling doesn’t want to engage with her.

She doesn’t have a great group of friends - she’s can be a lovely girl so I don’t think this is her fault, just one of those things - hasn’t found her tribe yet and i know this massively bothers her. She lacks confidence, and this is particularly around how she looks. She has dyspraxia which makes make up and hair and sometimes self care a challenge and there are times when I have had to point this out. I’ve tried to be as kind as I could but it seems like any comment is treated like a knife to the heart so now I say nothing and she gets upset when her outfit / make up doesn’t turn out as she wants. It’s a lose / lose really. I feel so sorry for her, and know this can’t be an easy way to feel and I go out of my way to connect, help, love her whatever way she needs. There has been therapeutic help in the past but she feels she doesn’t need it. I think she really just needs some belief and confidence in herself.

We don’t demand a lot of her but the one red line I have is school. If you are sick you can stay home but otherwise in, and in on time. The school, although high achieving, are very lax on this , she has 17 late notes this academic year (ireland not Uk)

Well this morning she wanted to skip the first two classes as her ‘tummy was sore’ It wasn’t, she just didn’t want to go in as they were free study classes. I said go in and this escalated to a massive argument - we hate her,belittle her, treat her like
a baby, this should be her choice, bullied her two years ago, isolated her, make fun of her appearance etc etc etc

After an argument and then trying to deal with this calmly, I left the house as she clearly just wanted to fight and she sent 8 messages, all quite abusive about how she hates herself , we’re awful etc etc.

AIBU to just hold the line here and not listen to the rant that invariably ends in her crying as she is clearly upset.

I regularly take the usual teenage abuse from all my kids but when do you get to go enough is enough. ?

I’m not moving on school attendance and this is what the argument started about

What support is she getting for the adhd/dyspraxia? Is she on meds for example?

Sorry, but you are being too inflexible on the school attendance. Any person with ADHD and or autism sometimes needs extra days off school as a mental health day to mentally rest and recover from the social demands of school or work.

These were free study periods, she would be more productive at home than in a free study class with no end of distractions. There was no requirement for her to go in. Forcing her in actively harms her academic potential. Your rigidity may be a sign you are a bit autistic yourself and also refusing to understand how being ND means different needs, different paths to success.

Yes she is on meds. She saw an occupational therapist for over a year but didn’t really engage. I don’t think she was quite mature enough to really embrace what she needed to do to help herself.
She gets some extra accommodations in school. We pay for grinds in subjects she struggles in

Did you method of dealing with it lead to her attending school?

The school, although high achieving, are very lax on this

Probably because the school knows that the 100% attendance= best grades is horseshit.

Yes - but also all those messages!

I’ve just had enough of any resistance becoming a massive critique of our parenting and then dissolving into DD crying about her awful life - Just go to school on time!!!

Can I ask why you are forcing her to go in for free study periods? When my two were this age it was their choice whether they went in or not. Sometimes they did, sometimes they preferred to be at home as they both felt more productive in their own rooms.

She is 17 FFS and not far off being an adult. Maybe you need to just take a step back and let her make some choices of her own.

You admit she is otherwise a 'good kid' so feel grateful for that and pick your battles.

Sure, I agree. She’s been sick 7 days but is 17 lates for no reason ok. Is this really assisting them in being ready for adult life?

Tummy ache is a very common symptom in girls with ADHD. Common reasons include:

1. Stress and nervous system overload
2. ADHD affects emotional regulation and the body’s stress response. Chronic stress, masking, sensory overload, and anxiety can activate the gut–brain connection and lead to stomach cramps etc.

My ADHD child frequently has stomach ache, particularly when she is tired and stressed. Masking all day can be exhausting!

maybe talk to the school

dd struggled and the school gave her greater flexibility about what time she was coming in. She now goes in on time pretty much every day because the pressure isn’t there but some days she may miss the first period (especially if it is PSHE or such like)

kids with adhd are generally a few years behind cognitively and the pressure of trying to act their age can be exhausting

She doesn’t mean it - she’s trying to get a rise out of you to get the dopamine hit. Her emotional regulation will be rubbish too

its really hard but you have to let it run off you

To give you an example of myself (AuDHD), I would regularly study from home 60 school days a year. My parents were neglectful so I didn’t have them to fight. I’d get on the school bus, and then get off and once my parents had left for the day let myself back into my house. I always got the mail out the mailbox so my parents never saw the letters.

I even had to appear before the school board once that tried to hold me back a grade for poor attendance. They decided not to though because I was top of my class. I argued I should get an award for having over a 4.0 weighted average despite missing so much school.

I graduated as valedictorian (person with the highest grades and test scores out of the entire senior year) from my high school and went to an Ivy League school.

It may seem counter intuitive, but trying to learn in a group with ADHD is way harder than learning through independent study.

Wow sounds like she can be challenging to live with at times. The sixth form my kids have been at state they dont have to be in for free periods. Is your worry that she would then not make her way in for the other lessons ie would she get herself distracted at home? My son with ADHD could very easily forget he was meant to be revising and lose himself in a book or gaming. For him free periods in school were actually less distracting than being at home.
In regards to relationship with sibling sounds like she is discovering that her previous behaviour has consequences. Could the same have happened with others at school do you think meaning the lack of close friendships is understandable.

I should add that I was only told it was two free periods mid way through the argument so Im not sure about that.

I suppose I am nervous of DD getting into a pattern of just not going to school. It’s really, really common.

She was upset at sports day last week
so I signed her out early so I’m not a dragon on attendance, I just think if there is no good reason not to be in, then you go in.

It’s not for no reason though. If she had control over when her disability is saying work from home versus go in, she would not be late so often.

But this kid just got up. She hasn’t been “masking all day”.

I have an AuADHD daughter, now 19. Her attendance at school, now college was flaky, she had EBSA at school, and had a few stop/starts at college, and it’s now full time (with a PT job).

Personally I wouldn’t be forcing her in, she’s almost an adult, at this age she needs to learn to self-manage, and live with the consequences of actions. AuADHD high functioning young person may (like mine) need to be given the freedom to make thier own choices, and given space to make decisions .. and sometimes they will be choices and decisions you don’t like

OP, you are absolutely right to hold the line on school attendance. Absolutely non-negotiable. Most DC would skip school given half a chance, so this really is a case for inflexibility. There seem to be too many parents who would give in in this - I’d back you all the way. Point out to DD that when she goes to work, she doesn’t just get to miss a day or go in late because she doesn’t feel like it, and if she has two study periods, how about she uses them to, you know, study?

@SpiritAdder Good for you.
It sounds like you really did exceed despite some serious challenges. However, DDs grades are very very average - low C, D grades in GCSE equivalents despite being capable of much more - she simply didn’t try

I just think if there is no good reason not to be in, then you go in.

Thats a good principle to have, but with ADHD plus suspected ASD, you need to widen your view of what counts as a good reason in addition to physically unable to go in. With these disabilities you can be mentally unable to face it and just pushing through leads to burnout.

Yes well forcing her in is draining her of capability. She is trying, and you’re actively sabotaging with a rigid, inflexible approach. Start listening to her. She is 17 she knows herself better than you do.

I always think it’s very convenient that our teenagers “lose themselves” and “forget” the things relating to school work and chores.

But I’ve never ONCE noticed my teenager forget that she has her clubs and sports. Or forget that the new series of whatever has started on Netflix. Or forget to meet her friends to go for coffee at the weekend.

Why is that, so we all think???

Besides how can it hurt? Your method is leading to average grades. Why not let her have the chance to try her method before it’s too late.

Because her method might lead to even worse grades?

Seems a little controlling? She’s 17 not 15. I have just turned 18 yr old and just turned 15 yr old. Very different rules for both. I can’t and wouldn’t force oldest to attend school when he didn’t want to.
Dodnt you ever go in late or alive as a teen? God I went in drunk a few times at that age.
I think you need to be more flexible and less controlling. She’s almost an adult. I also think she needs more support.