AIBU to hold the line on school and not listen to upset teenage rants

[Windywho]

Im afraid my AIBU is around the how much shit do you take from your clearly unhappy child.

So to give the backstory first; My DD17 has Dyspraxia and ADHD but is likely more Audhd (she doesn’t want to consider autism and we go with that) Her behaviour is pretty good in that there is no smoking, drugs, she does an activity once a week, her grades are only ok (capable of much more but it also could be worse)

For the last number of years she has been capable of incredible rudeness, intransigence and just generally being difficult. Usual teenage stuff ramped up, but challenging to be around. She spent years being pretty rude to her younger sibling, who she now wants to engage with, but the sibling doesn’t want to engage with her.

She doesn’t have a great group of friends - she’s can be a lovely girl so I don’t think this is her fault, just one of those things - hasn’t found her tribe yet and i know this massively bothers her. She lacks confidence, and this is particularly around how she looks. She has dyspraxia which makes make up and hair and sometimes self care a challenge and there are times when I have had to point this out. I’ve tried to be as kind as I could but it seems like any comment is treated like a knife to the heart so now I say nothing and she gets upset when her outfit / make up doesn’t turn out as she wants. It’s a lose / lose really. I feel so sorry for her, and know this can’t be an easy way to feel and I go out of my way to connect, help, love her whatever way she needs. There has been therapeutic help in the past but she feels she doesn’t need it. I think she really just needs some belief and confidence in herself.

We don’t demand a lot of her but the one red line I have is school. If you are sick you can stay home but otherwise in, and in on time. The school, although high achieving, are very lax on this , she has 17 late notes this academic year (ireland not Uk)

Well this morning she wanted to skip the first two classes as her ‘tummy was sore’ It wasn’t, she just didn’t want to go in as they were free study classes. I said go in and this escalated to a massive argument - we hate her,belittle her, treat her like
a baby, this should be her choice, bullied her two years ago, isolated her, make fun of her appearance etc etc etc

After an argument and then trying to deal with this calmly, I left the house as she clearly just wanted to fight and she sent 8 messages, all quite abusive about how she hates herself , we’re awful etc etc.

AIBU to just hold the line here and not listen to the rant that invariably ends in her crying as she is clearly upset.

I regularly take the usual teenage abuse from all my kids but when do you get to go enough is enough. ?

I’m not moving on school attendance and this is what the argument started about

Not the case with any teen I know with ADHD.

Asperger’s and a chronic health condition here. School attendance was non-negotiable.

She was trying to set me up for life. Work is non-negotiable and I wasn’t going to be able to just not turn up coz I was having a bad day. My mum always had my future in her mind when she made decisions like this.

Masking day after day after day- it’s a gradual build up like in a pressure cooker.

@SpiritAdder In the same
way that not all people are the same, not all Audhd people are the same.

Staying home worked well for you, you motivated yourself. My DD will
spend her time on her phone - please tell me how that is a good thing. That is what she has done anytime she stays off school or comes home
early. She hasn’t used the time to study, she is not getting high grades. It’s quite a different situation to yours.

She can come home and regulate after school and no demands are made of her.

I suppose this is where I am. I am trying to do the right thing by her long term, Im trying to parent

Can you book her for some cbt counselling sessions to help her regulate herself. I get it, my DD 17 didn’t go in today she’s overwhelmed.
You need to treat her emotional wellbeing differently, internally eye-roll, call her names but only in your head.
The link between suicide and self harm for teenagers who have neurological disorders is very high, I’m always conscious about what her emotions are doing on the inside.
Do you have access to any local youth services?
Everyday is like going through a washing machine. It’s so confusing for them on top of the teenage hormones.
The verbal and emotional abuse towards you has to stop, counselling will help her regulate.
TLC through gritted teeth but be firm that lashing out on you makes you feel sad.

It might be better to post on the ND board for advice

The school really don’t seem to mind, it’s me who has the issue with not going in, going in late.

I guess if a survival job is the only sort of job you can hope for where you have no flexibility then I suppose it makes sense. Can’t be good for your health though. How long have you had this condition?

It’s cause and effect. Because she has been sent to school when she is mentally too fatigued to cope, when she returns all she can do is relax and regulate with a passive low cognitive effort activity like scrolling on a phone.

If she were home often enough to not be mentally fatigued, she would have the energy to study from home.

ADHD is never a lack of motivation.

Hold the line. Take the shit. You'll get shit from her regardless. She's a 15 year old! This is the playbook.

If school aren't an authority, you have to be. I feel for you @Windywho. ONE DAY she'll thank you for it (no time soon!).

It’s OK to have a line and school attendance is important, but did she really have to go in for free periods? Is she actually missing lessons at all?

My dd managed three weeks on time and yesterday she just couldn’t. ADHD burn out can be really bad so I am very conscious of that as I don’t want that to happen to her. She spent the day doing revision and tidying her room. She went in today fine.

she is a bit younger than your daughter but I’ve seen her mature much faster now I’m being less rigid with her. She is managing herself a lot and she is becoming much more aware of her feelings/mood

Look - let's put this into perspective.

Nobody on here can know - but you as a parent need to ask - what is more important, her mental health longer term or school attendance.

I have an autistic child who has 'fallen out' of the mainstream system - so believe me, I know the spiral from missing days to completely collapsing. But - that's because my child didn't get the support she needed - and yes it's a total fucking disaster for us and her.

What breaks does your child get in school? Can she rest/ have a movement break/ take quiet time? Does she have an EHCP?

Are you pushing her but also pushing school?

WQho really cares if she is late? Do you care for her needs or because you don't like pissing off school?

In and of itself I don't give a shit about school - I care about it for its actual value and benefit to the child - so if school is making a child stressed miserable and unhappy - and they can't learn because of that tension - then you have to balance that.

Honestly no I didn’t. I got drunk, stayed out late etc but school was like work. You went in and went in on time. It just wasn’t a thing that you missed it. It was the same for my friends really

I hope your DDs situation can improve soon. I’ve a friend in the same situation and the stress is immense. I suppose I’m nervous that she will opt out, that if I give her an inch……..

Since I was 11. I had a childhood illness that left me with a problem with my immune system.
I did have to miss a fair amount of school at the time of the illness as I was in and out of hospital but I was seriously unwell so this couldn’t really be helped.

Btw my eldest does NOT have an AuDHD diagnosis although I have definitely wondered since she was age 7 - she is very high functioning but many traits.

So I treat my dd as NT. She is also a good kid but it doesn’t make it easy to parent just because she’s not on drugs and alcohol . And yes I’m grateful for that, at least, but being oppositionally defiant and rude ALL the time is so wearisome.

And the heart of it? I swear she Enjoys being defiant.

She barely talks to me. Doesn’t engage in family life. Hyper focus on latest fad (currently obsessively reading for about 6 hours a day) to the point of being exhausted all the time. Has bailed on commitments like DofE activities. Accuses me of being spiteful and is extremely uncooperative and argumentative when I state things like “well, if you aren’t going to be doing 2 hours of DofE instead dad and I will expect you to do some chores at home since at the moment your only job is keeping your room tidy which most of the time you don’t manage. You’ll get a higher allowance since I am saving some money on your DofE tasks, and if the chores are not all done the allowance is cancelled for that week.”

That seems to me pretty fair - but oh my god you’d think I had threatened to starve her and beat her. She reacted so badly.

Kids will push boundaries! They are selfish at this age and emotional. ND kids aren’t exempt from trying it on and being manipulative- it’s just massively harder to work out what boundaries are reasonable taking into account .

If OP’s dd said “mum, I hate being on school - I am all on my own in my frees as I don’t really have anyone to hang out with as most of my friends are in their own lessons today. And I feel so lousy in the morning. I find it really hard to get going and school doesn’t have an issue with me being late”

then a conversation can be had.

To all the parents who say “she’s nearly an adult ffs” then why doesn’t she behave like one?

I would counter she’ll be at least 23 before she’s really an adult. And meantime she needs parenting.

I am sorry but you are making no sense here - she will learn better by not going to school ?

You might have, as you are clearly very bright and motivated but my DD is neither of those things.

She 100% won’t succeed by staying at home.

I was married at 22 and had a baby at 24. I don’t see how you think you have a choice with fully legal adults? Honestly what are you going to do, threaten to kick them out?

You have to let go slowly not all of a sudden at 18.
My parents were very controlling so I rebelled. I’m not a controlling a parent at all. I am the yes parent. My kids have had their moments but they have their heads screwed on and feel supported not threatened and punished and controlled.
We talk. We support. We do not ever ever punish. We do not ever force anything.

i spent a year out of my head with stress over getting dd to school on time. Then one day I thought I would try another approach and I just said ‘look I can see you are struggling so why don’t you take today off’ and left her to it.

she came to me an hour later and we had a really good conversation around why she was struggling, her sleep issues etc etc and we worked out a plan. I also started seeing an adhd parenting coach which really helped me recognise her behaviours and be able to recognise where there was more to it and where it was just normal teenage stuff!

I'm dyspraxic. I still find make up pretty difficult. I just try and keep it simple, find what works for me then stick to it. I had a lesson with a make up girl at a Boots counter, that helped me a lot.

Anything you say to her about it she will take as an attack, and proof that she is the most useless girl alive. That's exactly how I would have taken it. So I would just not say anything at all.

Thank you @UnfortunatelySo and I feel your pain.
Our DDs sound alike

DD did call me last week on sports day to say that she felt alone and wanted to come home 2 hours early as the activities were all but over and she would just be sitting around. I immediately signed her out and we went for a walk later. I’m not completely intransigent, today she was making noises about missing one period, two periods and then the whole day. I get she’s tired and it’s coming up to exams but if she wants to go to uni she’s going to have to learn to push through - and I know it’s harder for her

@Windywho ”all she can do” is scroll on her phone? What a load of rubbish.

She would be far better off going for a 5km jog.

@UnfortunatelySo I agree that would be better for her mental and general health but that’s not where we are at.

I cannot even get her to do our equivalent of the DofE award.