To ask am I over sensitive or is he insensitive?

[Frankie47]

Totally spiralling right now. I have Body Dysmorphia and have had it all my life, haven’t had therapy. Older guy I’m dating has spoken about a beautiful woman who works at a restaurant in Crete near his holiday home. Says he could look at her all day- she beautiful, thin, long legs etc. When I suggested he would like to be with her he dismissed the idea but his reasons were that she just sees him as a tourist etc. So more to do with her probably not wanting him.

Have seen her a photo of her and she’s literally stunning. I feel full of self hatred now, comparing myself to her and feeling utterly and completely ugly. Wish I had never given him any photos of me, he must be really repulsed. He is going back to Crete in September and I am utterly dreading it. He says I have blown it way of proportion but I feel like maybe some people here might understand how I feel. Just need some understanding and kindness. He is aware of my BDD but doesn’t really understand it. He compliments me a lot on my appearance, which lifts me up but then he says something like this and I spiral. He is mortified that he’s made me feel bad, says what we have is special and goes beyond physical appearances.

AIBU to ask - is he insensitive or am I over sensitive? Please be kind.

Just need some understanding and kindness

Please be kind.

You have asked a question in AIBU.
Do you want people to answer your question or do you want people to just say nice things to you ?

Answer it kindly, obviously. Be truthful but not nasty with it. Am sure someone can manage that, don’t worry if you can’t.

Never mind how you feel about yourself, do not stay with a sleaze who goes on about another woman to you.

I know some of the 'cool girls' like to talk about women's looks with the boyfriend/husband. I'm not one of them, I'd probably feel the same as you. I find it really odd that someone would be talking about how beautiful and slim another woman is to the person they're dating. What's he like in general? Is it possible he is trying to make you feel insecure?

Dotes on me generally, says he admires her beauty in a non sexual way but then remarks on her boobs and legs, which is surely sexual?

A bit of both.

You're being silly and childish to spend so much time obsessing over your appearance and that of a woman you don't know.

He's also a bit odd for telling you about this woman.

Of course it's sexual. Does he go on about good looking men?

Yes, definitely sexual in my opinion. I'd feel really uncomfortable knowing a man was talking about my boob's, it's pretty disrespectful to her as well as you. Is he still doing this after knowing your uncomfortable with it?

BDD is a recognised disorder, it is not silly or childish.

It is a bit though. Why aren't you getting therapy?

This is not the man for you.

Wow

He sounds either mean or stupid.

But... you asked if you were being oversensitive. You can't ask that and then just say you have a disorder (aka you can't help being that way).

Sorry I meant that having BDD affects what I can cope with, so just needed an outsider’s pov to see if rationally this is something or nothing to worry about.

Dump him and get therapy

I don’t think you are stable enough with your disorder to cope with seeing this guy. He is not being kind or considerate to you in regard to your mental health, and he is leaving you to spiral. Dump.

i know nothing of BBD but if I were seeing someone who was going on about how hot someone else was and that they could look at them all day, I’d lose interest in a nanosecond.

I see other hot men, especially on holiday when the clothes come off but I manage not to harp on about it.

Why did you mention that he’s older in your first post?

But my perspective is irrelevant because I'm not the one who has to live with it. If it bothers you, is it really going to stop being upsetting if some random woman on mumsnet says it wouldn't bother her?

He doesn’t like you OP and he Is wasting your time. He fancies her and is telling you this. Listen to him.

He's talking about her boobs to you? That's weird.

I think both can be true but generally a man lavishing praise on another woman to his girlfriend is bizarre and would have most men put in the dog house.

Is it something to worry about? Yes! Why would you want to be with someone who is aware of your mental health issues and does the one thing that makes you spiral?

I'm a bit confused about your comment in relation to photos you have given him. Surely if he sees you he k own what you look like anyway?
But to answer the question, yes you are over sensitive. You have a diagnosis to confirm that. Why are you not getting therapy to try and improve your situation?
And yes, he's way out of line discussing another woman like that.

So why haven’t you sought therapy/medication for it?

Dump him, Op. He is not helping you.