To ask am I over sensitive or is he insensitive?

[Frankie47]

Totally spiralling right now. I have Body Dysmorphia and have had it all my life, haven’t had therapy. Older guy I’m dating has spoken about a beautiful woman who works at a restaurant in Crete near his holiday home. Says he could look at her all day- she beautiful, thin, long legs etc. When I suggested he would like to be with her he dismissed the idea but his reasons were that she just sees him as a tourist etc. So more to do with her probably not wanting him.

Have seen her a photo of her and she’s literally stunning. I feel full of self hatred now, comparing myself to her and feeling utterly and completely ugly. Wish I had never given him any photos of me, he must be really repulsed. He is going back to Crete in September and I am utterly dreading it. He says I have blown it way of proportion but I feel like maybe some people here might understand how I feel. Just need some understanding and kindness. He is aware of my BDD but doesn’t really understand it. He compliments me a lot on my appearance, which lifts me up but then he says something like this and I spiral. He is mortified that he’s made me feel bad, says what we have is special and goes beyond physical appearances.

AIBU to ask - is he insensitive or am I over sensitive? Please be kind.

I don’t think this is about your body dysmorphia. It’s a much deeper issue.

why is he telling you about this paragon of physical beauty?

Regardless of body dysmorphia, it’s a bit odd to make a point of telling you some random woman is beautiful all the time, and to show you a picture.

I don’t have any issue with my boyfriend thinking other women are attractive, and I certainly notice other men; to me it’s very normal for people to notice and appreciate attractive members of the opposite sex. We’ve certainly had conversations about certain men and women being attractive - but always when it’s relevant to the conversation, if that makes sense. Eg we were talking about a friend of mine and I said “She’s really down on herself at the moment and she’s worried about being a bridesmaid for her sister because she says she’ll feel ugly compared to the other two” and my boyfriend said “That’s mad, she’s really pretty and she always looks amazing”. Or I was talking about a lower league footballer and I said “If he ends up at a Premier League club he’s going to get so many brand deals, he’s ridiculously hot, he looks like a model”.

But I wouldn’t come home and say “There’s a new bloke started in the Finance team at work and oh my god, he’s absolutely gorgeous” and my boyfriend wouldn’t do the equivalent.

I think I'd need to know how the conversation came up in the first place. If, for example, you were you asking him if he'd ever seen anyone as beautiful as some film star in real life and he said yes, then you can't really blame him; he was lured into it and was just being honest.
If he just randomly said to you one day that there is an incredibly beautiful woman in crete then that's another story, considering he knows your issues.

Nothing with with noticing someone is good looking, but going on about it to your own partner is crass and hurtful (before your BDD is even considered).

I had a boyfriend once who used to comment on how attractive and sexy other women were. In the end I snapped "why are you telling me? Go and tell her!" He said I was " jealous". Negging wasnt a word around then but it's what he was doing. He was gobsmacked when I dumped him.

Sorry I should have explained, he has a holiday home in Crete he goes to twice yearly and has done for years. Her family restaurant is one he goes to often so he knows her and her parents well. There is a photo of her on the restaurant FB page from few years ago and he commented “wow!” on it (before he met me). She came up in the context of him talking about his holiday.

I think it’s not BDD that has you spiralling. You’re blaming yourself for your reaction to him telling you he has a crush on a woman he sees every day all summer just before he is about to go back and see her every day for months.

This is not a case of sensitivity, he’s being a grade A manipulative bastard to you.

You deserve better than this. I’d tell him to go to Crete and stay there and then block him.

Agreed. He sounds awful.

It's hard to help some people on here when they preface with "be nice" and I have "xyz" disorder. People don't feel as if they can be truthful and aren't qualified to understand how much truth they can give, even when asked, in order to not upset someone. Well, that's how I feel, anyway.

But, to answer your question, you are being oversensitive and he's being insensitive.

I'm not sure how that is going to help you, though.

If I were you, I wouldn't let his opinion on another woman bother me so much that I would spiral into a self esteem crisis.

However, I would set boundaries and let him know to not talk to me about other women because it's disrespectful. I'd also make sure that I didn't talk about other men.

After that, I wouldn't think about it again. He either respects you or he doesn't. Looks and how one feels about that doesn't really come into being disrespected, as far as I'm concerned.

He’s a creep.

Ditch him and work on your own self-esteem by getting counselling.

He DID mean to make you feel this way, despite his protestations to the contrary. He has you feeling insecure and ‘grateful’, which is exactly where he wants you to be. Please don’t fool yourself otherwise.

How long have you been seeing eachother for?
I personally think it is disrespectful to go on about how he finds another women attractive. Its rather odd. It would put me off him personally and open the door for him to be with her instead. You're not being too sensitive, I understand its hurtful when you like/love someone as you wouldn't do the same. Like others have said getting counselling to work on your own self esteem wouldn't do any harm. Have a lovely weekend!

Wow he sounds awful. I’m a grey wrinkled old woman who’s been married nearly 40 years.
In all of that time my husband has never felt the need to tell me about a hot woman he has seen.
What a sleeze you have found.

BDD is absolutely a disorder that must be hard to manage. That should not be affected by how someone views someone else’s attractiveness.

My finding a water attractive has zero bearing on how attractive I find my husband.

However talking about another person’s attractiveness to my partner is unnecessary and bizarre.

In 20 years neither DH nor I have felt it necessary to describe anyone in the detail your partner has. It’s not nice and would make anyone feel a bit weird. I cannot conceive of telling DH ‘oh the waiter at the coffee shop is gorgeous- so tall and muscular. I could look at him all day’. It’s gross and objectifying.

He sounds like a creep to be honest.

We have talked it through, he is wanting to understand and put things right. He brought it up initially without prompting and I continued with asking questions and he dig himself deeper I guess. He is upset about me comparing myself to others says he loves me just as I am. Says he appreciates her beauty but doesn’t think of her in a sexual way. I don’t understand how that’s possible but he’s insistent. Says I’m all he wants. Hopefully we can move past this now, I’m dreading when he goes back there in Autumn but just got to trust him I guess. He says she just sees him as another customer she has to be nice to so I don’t think anything would happen but I do torture myself with the thought of him wanting her.

Sorry I didn’t mean to make anyone feel like that, I just see people being gratuitously nasty on other threads and I know I wouldn’t cope with that very well. Just need something honest and constructive which you gave me.

I felt I had to mention the BDD because it was relevant in this context and explained why I wasn’t sure if I was “right” to be upset or whether it was the disorder. It was a therapist who said I had it and recommended specialised treatment but I couldn’t afford to continue with her. Personally I don’t think I have it although I relate to everything she told me about it. In my head I think my ugliness is real but I have to accept it is a real disorder talking.

I can explain a bit about how BDD affects me. Therapist said that some situations or comments will hit the part of my brain that is constantly looking for proof that I’m physically lacking and replaceable. She said once that switch flips, BDD doesn’t process the situation proportionally — it turns one comment into a full internal narrative. I’ve had to come off FB and Instagram because BDD feeds on visual comparison. Bloody algorithms are relentless and send me into intense shame spirals. Not looking for sympathy just providing context for my reaction and the reason why I need help to understand if it was proportionate.

Ok fair enough. But he didn't need to start gushing about how sexy/fanciable she is.

You should find a pic of a random bloke you know and start swooning over him. Saying how fit he is. See how he likes it?

Yeah he’s a dick. He wants you to be insecure and jealous. No way would I talk about attractive people to the person I’m with.. I want to make him feel like the most handsome man in the world. And that’s what I do. It makes for a much better relationship when both feel secure.

He is being insensitive; some GFs might not mind this type of chat but it should be obvious to him that you are not one of them.

Separately - if your self esteem is reliant on your BF saying nice things to you and not saying nice things about other girls, you are clearly in a very precarious position. Have you had any therapy in the past? Has it helped?

I knew a guy like this, and had a crush on him for a while. He was always going on about how beautiful all the women around him were - with hindsight pretty creepy, to be honest; also not great to hear as a hopeful love interest. I think it can be a way for men to exert dominance, demonstrating that the world is simply a buffet of gorgeous women laid out before them. Yeuch.

Yes I knew someone like this, he was in love with me but would constantly talk about other women. He was very insecure and needed affirmation from other women, and a fragile ego so he thought it was a good thing to talk about, like it was gonna attract me more because he was soooo manly. Nah, goodbye! He’s still single

I’m glad it was useful. 😊

it sounds like you have made some real progress coming to understand your sensitivities, regardless of the label. Deciding to come off social media sounds like a great action to take to support yourself. (And indeed it sounds like social media may have prompted this whole situation at least in part?)

I would suggest once you have self regulated, you sit down with your partner and talk through how to do things differently in the future - both what you would like him to do and what you are going to do to avoid another spiral or to minimize the fall out when it happens. This is after the sorries and the ‘I’m feeling better now’…. It’s tempting to move on quickly, but this is actually a chance for you both to learn how to negotiate this successfully.

I would suggest you do some thinking before this conversation. Be super clear what you expect of him and make sure it is realistic. And think through what you can take responsibility for. Because one danger of this bucket situation is that the partner is almost forced into dishonesty, because the person with the bucket needs to uphold unrealistic beliefs to feel good about themselves, and also tends to interrogate almost to prove to themselves there is something upsetting ‘underneath’. When you talk about asking again and again about whether he finds her attractive I think of this.

It is not realistic to expect your partner never to find someone beautiful or never to find someone sexually attractive. People do, regardless of whether they are in a relationship, happy, in love, or totally faithful. He may not be sexually attracted to this woman- that’s quite possible. But if you keep asking him whether he finds people beautiful or sexually attractive, at some point he will be forced to either upset you or lie. Similarly, it is not realistic for him to think you are perfect in everyway. He can love and want you and be utterly committed to you and still think that some aspect of your character or appearance isn’t 1000% perfect if you force him to focus on and assess it. You need to try to avoid putting him in this catch 22 then being upset that he fails. You cannot police his feelings or thoughts, because you can never be satisfied that way.

what you CAN do is ask him to take responsibility for his actions. Eg you can ask him not to talk to you or comment online about other women’s appearances. If he loves you and cares about your wellbeing those things are easily actionable. You can ask him to keep doing the lovely job he already does of giving you sincere compliments. You can ask him to commit to not doing x or Y with other women (ie articulate your personal boundaries for what faithfulness looks like). You can ask him when you do start to spiral to do x or y to help you steady up. Alongside that, you need to tell him what YOU will do. Maybe that’s a commitment to staying off social media, or actively trying not to ask repeated questions to interrogate his thoughts and feelings (eg instead of that you could simply tell him you are feeling vulnerable or scared), or maybe it’s acknowledging early when you feel a danger of a spiral and taking a breath….. etc etc… He may even have some suggestions or requests, or questions to clarify about what helps you or upsets you. This needs to be a curious, open conversation- when you come to something of an action plan for the future… it won’t be perfect going forward. You will probably both screw up a bit, but you have a better chance to be in it together, and to get better and better at making it work.

Good luck!

Thank you @financialcareerstuff you have been amazingly insightful and helpful and have far more understanding than I ever expected to find here.