To ask am I over sensitive or is he insensitive?

[Frankie47]

Totally spiralling right now. I have Body Dysmorphia and have had it all my life, haven’t had therapy. Older guy I’m dating has spoken about a beautiful woman who works at a restaurant in Crete near his holiday home. Says he could look at her all day- she beautiful, thin, long legs etc. When I suggested he would like to be with her he dismissed the idea but his reasons were that she just sees him as a tourist etc. So more to do with her probably not wanting him.

Have seen her a photo of her and she’s literally stunning. I feel full of self hatred now, comparing myself to her and feeling utterly and completely ugly. Wish I had never given him any photos of me, he must be really repulsed. He is going back to Crete in September and I am utterly dreading it. He says I have blown it way of proportion but I feel like maybe some people here might understand how I feel. Just need some understanding and kindness. He is aware of my BDD but doesn’t really understand it. He compliments me a lot on my appearance, which lifts me up but then he says something like this and I spiral. He is mortified that he’s made me feel bad, says what we have is special and goes beyond physical appearances.

AIBU to ask - is he insensitive or am I over sensitive? Please be kind.

I am on waiting list for therapy.

Sorry, OP, but you're dating a negging creep. He wants to make you feel bad about yourself - he feels better that way. Your self esteem would get a boost just by dumping him before he can dump you (think how great it would feel to be in control there) and then only mixing with people who are kind to you.

There is nothing wrong with you OP.

There is a lot wrong with a man who bangs on about another woman to you, telling you how beautiful she is .

He is absolutely and deliberately trying to undermine your self confidence .

Please end this relationship. He is a nasty piece of work.

If my boyfriend started banging on about how gorgeous another woman was and showing me pics he’d taken of her (why is he taking photos of the waitress?!) I’d think he was a creep and would dump him.

You mentioned your boyfriend is older; let me guess, this waitress is even younger than you are.

you dont need to disparage women who feel secure and comfy doing this, just because you don’t. neither of you are wrong. i hate this bitchy ‘cool girls’ thing.

OP, what was the context of him saying she only sees him as a tourist? If it was you asking something like, ‘have you ever had anything between you’, then gently, i think that this is your insecurity at play. If he was genuinely saying ‘I would love to be with her but she won’t have me’, he’s an awful person.

Either way, if you are not comfy hearing someone you’re dating talking about finding other women attractive, and you have expressed this, and they do it anyway, they are not for you, and should get in the bin. Sending you love

Have you actually met him in person? Because you talk about giving him pictures etc. is this an online romance . Either way if he knows how you feel and he’s still banging on about that woman it’s time to end it.

'He is mortified that he’s made me feel bad, says what we have is special and goes beyond physical appearances.'

Why would he say that? Does he not think you are attractive?

He’s either spiteful and wants to make you feel insecure.

Or has some kind of learning difficulty that he doesn’t possess sound judgement around what’s acceptable to say to you, his romantic partner with a history of dysmorphia.

Yes it's something to worry about. It's disrespectful and he fancies her. That would make many women feel bothered/upset/insecure. He wouldn't appreciate you making multiple comments about a man.

Even if it's acceptable to other women it's seemingly triggering for you so he's not the right man for you.

I’d have sad “yeah I know what you mean, I’m the same with a bloke I work with” (or goes to my gym / I see on the bus sometimes).

Then probably dump him anyway.

2 ways of looking at it.

1, You don't need to be with a man who openly admires other women in front of you. Am sure all men do it but he imo shouldn't be vocal.

2, He may admire other women but he's with you, not her (for whatever reason).

Personally I think he's a bit of an idiot for telling you about his crush, let alone showing a photo. I hope you get some help though and the waiting list not too long. You don't need a man's word to lift you, you should realise that you're lovely, end of and not give a damn whatever someone else thinks. Sure, it's nice to get positive feedback, lol, but it shouldn't be the thing that you depend on to feel good about yourself. Go easy OP.

Dump him. He's trying to make you feel insecure.
But first start mentioning a really handsome guy at work you just can't take your eyes off, the broad shoulders, the slim waist, the tight arse. See how he likes it.

His behaviour is unacceptable but you’re also not in a healthy mindset to be in a relationship right now.

Ditch this guy as he obviously wants to be with this other woman.

Then stay single for a few months/years until you’ve had therapy and sorted yourself out.

You’ll never find a decent man if you have such low self esteem.

she just sees him as a tourist etc

Nope, she sees him as yet another creepy letch that she has to tolerate because of her job. I can just imagine the sleazy old perv sat there drooling and taking sly photos of her. Grim!

Nowt to do with your BDD, he's vile.

You are very unkind and lack empathy.

I don't have BDD and I would also feel hurt if my partner was going on about how beautiful another woman is, so no you are not being unreasonable.

You two are not compatible because he's a twat and you're definitely over-sensitive.

I remember your other threads and honestly don't think you should date until youve dealt with your issues. Your vulnerable, and creeps will take advantage of that.

Dump the twat, enjoy being single and sort yourself out.

This is a very insensitive comment. Body dysmorphia is not being silly and childish. It’s a serious and deeply horrible illness which takes over your life.

I agree this guy is being a total twat.

Wish I had never given him any photos of me, he must be really repulsed.

This makes no sense OP.

If he's not repulsed to actually be with you in person, why would your photos repulse him?

This is what body dysmorphia does. It’s not rational. It makes you think everyone else in the world thinks you’re hideous.

There’s a real lack of understanding of this utter bastard of an illness, and it shows in this thread.

I think your BDD is a red herring, it’s making you second guess yourself. This guy is a self confessed creep and potentially trying to pit you in competition with another woman and bring down your self esteem. He’s being totally inappropriate, I’d finish with him and look for someone kind and who does not want to bring you down (and I’d say that to any woman, BDD or not). I’m guessing if you had words with him over this he would try and blame the BDD though so I’d just tell him it isn’t working and end things.

There’s a real lack of understanding of this utter bastard of an illness, and it shows in this thread.

Well yes, why wouldn't there be?

It doesn't affect everyone and if we all read up on the ins and outs of every single illness in the world, we'd never have time to do anything else.

The OP isn't new to Mumsnet and nor is she new to talking about her illness.

She might've had better understanding in the MH topic to be fair.

How did the topic come up and what exactly did he say?

I used to have a friend who would almost badger a partner into commenting on other women's looks then be devastated about it. Eg she would comment on other women especially friends say how gorgeous they were etc ask his opinion, he'd say he hasn't noticed or something vague like everyone has things that make them beautiful and she'd press and press yeah but look at her legs they are amazing aren't they so long and toned, don't you think? She must work out loads. Well if you're not saying anything you must be lying or not want to tell me the truth, eventually they'd agree or say yes she does have very nice legs or yes she does have a sexy smile and all hell would break loose, and she'd full on spiral. I'm not friends with her anymore and we were all in our twenties back then but it was a lot. Also before you'd witnessed her do it she'd say things like Johnny said his neighbour has got the most beautiful eyes, he knows I'm insecure about mine etc etc and you'd feel bad for her. It was only living with her you got to see it fully in action. It was exhausting.

I think it’s worth gaining some understanding of an illness before commenting on a thread where it’s relevant, tbf.

He’s a sleazy creep. But you also need therapy