To say no thank you to someone paying off the mortgage?

[yourewrongthenyoureright]

FIL has always been a very controlling and tricky man. Not cruel. But controlling and manipulative. I’ve kept my distance where I can. DH helps him administrate his life/speaks to him everyday /visits him (4hrs away) monthly. Husband and I have stood on our own two feet and not asked for or accepted (when occ offered) from his (not insubstantial/not crazy wealthy) pockets.

My SIL/husband have been very happy to accept help / have asked for help (FIL contributes significantly towards: kids at private school/v nice holidays/new cars - we haven’t had those things. They earn v similarly to us, I think). We can’t have those things on our earnings and so we’ve not had them. We feel he then exerts control over them and they seem less able to maintain boundaries with him as a result. SiL does less for him than DH, ironically, but there is a v different relationship which I find really one sided (he isn’t nice to her because he has power, I think. The power to take away)

Anyway. He talking about significantly downsizing and is saying this would free up enough money* to pay off both mortgages (ours and SiL’s). It would obviously be life changing in as much as we have yearsandyears of mortgage left.

But can you ever accept a gift like this without being beholden?

*Obviously I appreciate IHT situation etc.

Just take the money and don’t get in your head about it. He’s trying to help.

But if any IHT is due on it (if he does within 7 years) then it is the FIL’s estate that pays it, not OP.

Weird post. Take the money and get on with it. Sil is a wet lettuce

I'd take the money. What can he possibly make you beholden to? His mean tongue? Can't you ignore that in favour of financial stability? Block his texts? Tell him off? Laugh at him? Who cares? Your mortgage is paid off. Life is good.

OP what is your problem? You are being ridiculous. You being offered a gift of money with it seems no legal terms attached and to pay off your mortgage? You take the money and say ''thanks very much'' and pay off mortgage.. Then block your ears to any thing he may say that you do not like. OR - distance yourself from him as much as possible. Or just send him up dates re. DC every 3 months etc. What is he going to do?

Wow. I’d take the money and thank him and be grateful , but not consider myself beholden . Because you aren’t beholden it is a gift. Feeling beholden if different from being beholden. Easier said than done though so YANBU

I get exactly what you are saying and it sounds like it would definitely be a gift with chains. Of course it doesn't take away your DH's RIGHT to hang up on him but I agree that it could make it feel harder to do so. I have never been in your position and am not likely to be so have no experience but I think I'd refuse. Provided my family and I had enough, I would say that my mental and emotional health is more important than extra money. You say he's not cruel but from what you have said, I think he is....he uses what he has to control others.

Honestly, I would be wary too. I know arrangement like these and have seen it end up with the person who paid move in to be cared for. It sounds like you dh does a lot for his Dad already. Would he be able to say no if his Dad was putting pressure on him. Sounds like your sil will not take up the caring duty if needs be.

I'd say you can if it's a one off! I'd be wary of situations where he talks about somehow some of your house being signed over to him, or any kind of trust etc. If it is literally him handing over money and you pay the mortgage off, then you have no risk - he can't take it back!! Your SiLs issue (I imagine) is they've got used to things they can't afford (hobbies, Private school, holidays etc) and therefore there's huge risk that he stops bank rolling this for them - which means she has to put up with him being mean, can't rock the boat etc (especially if it might mean her kids lose their schooling).
In your shoes, I'd take it. Make sure there's no legal or financial strings attached and continue to hold your boundaries as you do now. Once it's handed over, it's done and dusted. Just be wary of the in between period before it gets gifted.

I never understand these threads. I think they fall into the category of Only On Mumsnet (OOM).

OOM would someone consider saying No thank you to a family member offering to pay off their mortgage which still has years to run.

Take the money out of the equation. He's old, alone, starting to feel frail and lonely I expect as well as increasing worry about his health and future.
If he left you no money would you feel obligated to help him? If so then it's simple you help anyway because he needs it not because he's paid for it.
So you can take the offer without resentment that it will increase his demands because they're always going to be there no matter what

In terms of the material aspect, no he can't take it back if its tied up properly...... He can change his behaviour though and it would need some serious consideration about how that would affect the family. Can your partner really hold the boundary line?

obvs you haven't got controlling family members or know people who have.....

Just make sure there's enough money left for a nursing home because the last thing you want is him living with you.

I'd keep going as you are now with your husband calling and visiting, but accept the money. It's life-changing for your children.

If there were no remaining assets, then there's be no IHT to pay!

Edited because that's not 100% accurate. But he'd have to have given his entire assets away ( of over £500,000 or £1,000,000 if he's a widower) for IHT to be an issue.

Once the mortgage is paid off, it's done.

How can the FIL be controlling after that as long as OPs husband maintains strict boundaries? They can't and it's not an offer that comes along easily, someone paying off your mortgage.

They can still say no though.

My mum was extremely difficult, but we allowed her to do this for us.
It didn't change a thing regarding the relationship. It was never brought up again.

I'm now at an age where if I'm going to help my kids, I need to do it now, before I get any kind of diagnosis that might indicate that I could need care at some point (which is where deprivation of assets comes in, and not before). So I can see where he's coming from. I'd let him do it. It sounds as though your DH is firm enough for it not to be a problem.

I'd take the money. He doesn't live on your doorstep so can hardly try to exert power on a regular, in-your-face, way. Anyway he cannot make you do anything you don't want to.

His money will, presumably, be shared between his children when he dies and it is not unreasonable for him to give some away now he is downsizing. Don't turn it down.

@yourewrongthenyoureright - "... But can you ever accept a gift like this without being beholden?..."

Well of course you can - they aren't mutually exclusive.

Once he's paid off the mortgage there's nothing else he can take away from you (unless your husband is expecting an inheritance...)

Your SiL is in a different position as your FiL seems to be funding revenue expenditure (school fees and holidays) for them which he can withdraw at any time. He can't withdraw paying your mortgage off (But inheritance?...)

I would be wary and half expect follow up pressure for him to move in later.

I am a bit surprised at so many saying take the money and just say no to other demands, he can't make you. On one level I get it, but I would be really uncomfortable with that.

I wonder if you could suggest he give the money to DC instead to help with their uni costs/first cars and driving lessons/ house deposits, which would ease family financial pressure in that expensive phase of life without so much potential for implied obligation.

A child (so your husband) generally inherits an estate tax-free up to £325,000 (the nil-rate band) if both parents have passed away, or up to £500,000 if a main residence is passed to them. If parents were married, unused allowances transfer, allowing up to £1 million to be passed on tax-free

So if he gives his children money a large amount of that wont need to be included in IHT if he dies with 7 years. And if he does die within 7 years, his estate pays the IHT

I don't want to do the Millennial arrow and say THIS, but I agree!
Also interesting that you say your husband has done more than SIL, even though she's had the money. While I wouldn't have sent my kids to a private school anyway (unless they'd had needs that meant they'd have struggled in mainstream), I might have been inclined to accept some money, in your shoes, OP. I get not being beholden, but for things like working fewer hours so I'd more time with the kids/to have fewer bills and worries. I respect you not wanting him to control you, but I'd say something like you want to gratefully accept-with boundaries!

Don't be ridiculous. Your DH can keep doing that. What do you think will happen if you take the money? That your husband will have to stay on the phone for longer with him?! As other PP's have said, you have literally nothing to lose. He can't stop paying for your kids education or take your car back. So stop over thinking it and take the money he's offering for the sake of your children. But make sure everything is legally put in place so you don't end up having to sell your house to pay for his nursing home at some point.

Is he likely to live another 7 years?
If it's a lump sum to pay off the mortgage with a written agreement then he can't exert any power over you, that would only be possible if he dangled it in front of you for years first, or paid lesser lump sums on a monthly basis, for example.