To say no thank you to someone paying off the mortgage?

[yourewrongthenyoureright]

FIL has always been a very controlling and tricky man. Not cruel. But controlling and manipulative. I’ve kept my distance where I can. DH helps him administrate his life/speaks to him everyday /visits him (4hrs away) monthly. Husband and I have stood on our own two feet and not asked for or accepted (when occ offered) from his (not insubstantial/not crazy wealthy) pockets.

My SIL/husband have been very happy to accept help / have asked for help (FIL contributes significantly towards: kids at private school/v nice holidays/new cars - we haven’t had those things. They earn v similarly to us, I think). We can’t have those things on our earnings and so we’ve not had them. We feel he then exerts control over them and they seem less able to maintain boundaries with him as a result. SiL does less for him than DH, ironically, but there is a v different relationship which I find really one sided (he isn’t nice to her because he has power, I think. The power to take away)

Anyway. He talking about significantly downsizing and is saying this would free up enough money* to pay off both mortgages (ours and SiL’s). It would obviously be life changing in as much as we have yearsandyears of mortgage left.

But can you ever accept a gift like this without being beholden?

*Obviously I appreciate IHT situation etc.

Then you actually have the best of all worlds @yourewrongthenyoureright, an assertive husband who can "handle" his Dad.

Do not feel less than,(if you somehow do) this is a generous gift which will make a difference to your own wee family.

Accept with grace and let your husband navigate any subsequent difficulties.

I'd take the money but only on the condition that it doesn't come with any strings.

And where is he planning on downsizing to....

There are legal aspects to look at but personally I would say yes please…..and that goes for all the other stuff he wants to help with too.

Has he said anything about where he expects to downsize to ?

Sounds like your DH is already good at maintaining boundaries, despite giving his father quite a lot of help. If he thinks he can maintain this and not be guilted into doing more than he wants then accept the gift, if it is offered and protected in writing.

Not at all, you can still have your boundaries and hold strong with them. Once FIL has gifted you that money and it’s paid off it’s yours. He can try and hold it over you but you don’t have to bow to it!!

He’s gifting his kids their inheritance early to avoid the tax I would be beholden once a month to be mortgage free to family husbands taking care of him anyway (will he move closer to you?) You will lose loads of it in tax anyway. Say thank you leave it to husband to be beholden.
This man’s saved and invested properly his whole life to be able to leave something to his kids he clearly loves them and wants them to actually have something from him. Your monthly payment could effectively enrich your whole family’s lives.

He has. Slightly closer to his daughter - but still not super close. He likes where he lives. He has friends there.

He is 83.

No. When people talk about ‘deprivation of assets’ they are meaning giving away money and then if they need care (and not everyone does) the local council can look back at your financial history to see why your asking the state to pay for it.
As long as the FIL doesn’t need care/has enough left to be self funding/children pay any care bill, he can give away as much as he likes. IHT free if he lives 7yrs.

@Feis123

@yourewrongthenyoureright is fortunate that despite her misgivings, her husband seems to be both assertive and diplomatic with his Dad.

I would take it.

Rachel Reeves doesn't get it, it goes towards keeping the country running.

Nope I would maintain your independence. That is priceless. You don’t want to be beholden to a manipulative man!

This is the definition of looking a gift horse in the mouth imo. Do you know how lucky you are and how many people would jump at this? The freedom, the financial security. You are crazy to decline (and quite rude imo)

It’s an example of the meaning of Virgil’s saying “beware the Greeks when they come with gifts”.

Not read the other replies so sorry if I’m repeating.

But if he’s paying for private school then that’s an ongoing payment and therefore SIL has to ‘toe the line’ if she wants to keep getting these payments.

Paying off the mortgage would be one lump sum payment and so DH won’t be held to the same conditions as SIL.

If he goes into care then that money maybe eaten up and so this may be your only chance.

FIL has always been a very controlling and tricky man. Not cruel. But controlling and manipulative

That's all I really needed to read, and there are no circumstances short of looming homelessness under which I'd even consider taking the money

More to the point I didn't; my own "father" never gave anyone anything during his life, but boy did he enjoy hanging the possibility over others. As an only child I inherited the lot when the time came, but by then I'd made my own money - much to his chagrin - and the only reason I got that is that he hated everyone else even more than he hated me

WOW. I would snap his hand off. You would be crazy not to.

My FIL is a multi millionaire, and we have never been offered a penny for anything. I would be over the moon if he offered to do this for us. You lucky, lucky things.

Yeah but once your mortgage is paid off, he can hardly demand the money back so how is he going to be able to manipulate you?

This!

once the mortgage is paid off as long as the house is in yours and hubbys name the fil can’t do anything at all?

Daft not to have accepted his help in the past and more daft to not get your mortgage paid off. SIL has been the sensible one and it sounds like your DH still keeps pretty close relations with his Dad. It doesn't sound like he's taking anything away or exerting much power over SIL if she does less for him than your DH and he is still going to pay off her mortgage. You have just made your children's lives less comfortable than they might have been.

My own dad was the same. I can remember him offering me a car once and I really could've done with it but I said no. Explained to my better half that it may seem free there's too high a cost to pay.

Up to you OP. I prefer freedom from manipulation personally. However, be careful, I think you'd may tax if he were to pass away in the next 7 years.

I think you are right to be cautious, when you have seen how he operates. By paying off your mortgage he is making you beholden to him, gaining some leverage, and you are already worried as to how he may use this. I have family members who play these games and have learnt the hard way, relationships, obligations and emotional ties don't mix well with money and gifts.

Be encouraging of his plans for downsizing and the benefits they bring to him, but suggest any money he insists on gifting after downsizing gets directly put in trust for his grandchildren - stress that you and DH are managing as a team, and don't need this help, but that giving his grandkids a leg up would be an amazing legacy and you would all appreciate that.

I see why you're reluctant but accept it graciously and then set clear boundaries thereafter!
He sounds difficult anyway so you might as well deal with his difficult nature and not have to worry about a massive mortgage too! He'll have to croak it at some point so ot wont be forever 😂

No you stand on your own two feet. Take a look at Dave Ramsey on this one