to not subscribe comparison is the thief of joy

[butteredbread1]

I hope this doesn’t come across as whining, I fear it will. Hit a wall today. I’m a mum to 2 kids, one of whom has severe mental health issues as a young teenager. We take one baby step forward and 4 back. Serious stuff (suicidal ideation, anorexia, the scary stuff). My life revolves around her and keeping her safe, appointments, meds. She is heavily reliant on me and is only in school on days she can manage so the week is unpredictable. I work from home for a low wage but it means I can (just about) manage the above. But finances are tight as though she gets DLA it goes on private therapies for her and I work too many hours to claim CA. Today, like many days, has been a 3 hour meltdown including screaming at me she wants to die and it literally tears my heart apart. She’s calmer now and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. This week saw several school events of which she managed 2, and to see her peers and their families hurt so much. The mums looked so glossy, groomed to perfection, matching trainer colours with their sweaters, I looked like a sort of adult version of Gollum. Much talk of where the next holiday is, the stress of travelling to gymnastic competitions, the stress of the new extension, and all these happy healthy looking girls and then my horribly thin one standing trying to fit in. It was so stark. I know they say comparison is the thief of joy but how on earth do I not compare what looks like enviably easy lives when my one feels like I’m stepping back into the boxing ring every day when I don’t want to. How do you not compare and let it steal the joy (joy very sparse anyway).

Once again I am so touched by the comments, especially those from mums who have lived through terrifying times. Not knowing if your child will even stay alive is a terror unlike no other, and the words othering and alienation are so powerful and that’s how I feel. Like we are oddly alone on a rocky island I didn’t mean us to be on in the first place. Thank you for seeing me. Means far more that you can know and I am so heartened to read many of you climbed out of the deepest trenches with your child in the end 💛

I don't think the 'yes, buts...' help either tbh. OP should be able to express her grief and sadness without being told things could be worse.

Yes, perspective helps sometimes, but it's also okay to say ' this is absolutely shit' without being told to see things differently.

Absolutely
hit given she’s comparing herself with others, is it not relevant to point out comparisons with others too? Her daughter will have come a long long way to be attending a school event. And just saying that that is a tremendous achievement isn’t downplay anything.

But if you want to just say yes op it’s totally shit - that’s your prerogative too. But you shouldn’t censor people approaching the thread differently

Oh OP.

I am glad that your thread has found others that 'get it'. Also not in your exact position but have a child with complex needs and have made a friendship group with similar mums. We went out with kids yesterday and even though our kids have similarities it was mine that couldn't cope and ruined the outing. Yesterday I felt despair that even the group ive found that were in the same boat are in fact not in the same boat - similar but their boat is a higher performance than my own family's. It is what it is, its all information and I'll know better for next time. I think it's totally fine to give into these feelings at times but then we keep on keeping on. Because we have to.

I came across the theory of chronic sorrow a few years ago when we landed on our own rocky island (nicely put OP) and it helped me to understand what I was going though. I found that all of the external focus, energy and care went to my child and my emotions were left unsupported. I’m glad you’ve found some solace in this thread.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/navigating-the-serpentine-path/202212/a-grief-that-never-ends-chronic-sorrow

That is really helpful and that is how it feels. Thank you

she knows that their kids go to school, wearing ‘normal clothes’ and they do this pretty much every day. She knows that their kids look physically healthy and they act healthy and interact socially in friendly ways with their peers and look like they have friends. That’s a huge amount she knows which is enormously different to her own life, and there is probably quite a lot more she knows since schools are in the habit of having newsletters etc which share children’s accomplishments and school programs her dd didn’t do, and even in casual chat you find out things, Xs mum works away a few days a month as she’s in fashion buying or an insolvency lawyer, that they all went skiiing in January. Don’t dismiss how obvious many elements of the comparison are here, sure they might be going through things but for most of these kids and families the op knows enough to know her comparison is legitimate.

I used to be one of these mums at school events

Meanwhile my mum was an alcoholic (deceased now), my father has vascular dementia and had been sectioned, my husband (now ex) was abusive, and my sister was a drug addict. It consumed me.

But I always put on make up and did my hair.

All I am saying is that you really don’t know what people are dealing with

I think you more benefit from calling young minds parents helpline, and the Ebsa support thread on here

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through OP - it sounds frightening and emotionally draining. I have a similar but not situation to you whereby my young adult was diagnosed with a chronic life long condition just on a random day last year. Their life has been turned upside down and by default mine as well. I am a lone parent and have been for years so am the buck stop parent and their primary source of support both emotionally and practically and I am drained.

So I can empathise strongly with you and whilst I can’t change anything for you (or me or them) know that you are not alone in feeling this way and I hope incrementally things start to get better for you and your daughter.

I hear you OP also mum to an autistic teenager and it’s hard. Also lost my lovely mum to dementia 4 years ago and she was my rock. Hugs x

Plus I don’t go for all that ‘everyone has problems’ some people definitely have more than their fair share.

No, you don't know what people are dealing with but in the op's shoes, and I have had a teenager with mh issues and suicidal ideation, life's curve balls are very much eadier to deal with, with money rather than without. My life was easier because I coukd stick two fingers up at CAMHS and with the benefit of BUPA and personal private funding the £23k to support dd was available.

My mum, nearly 90, has a benign brain tumour, a dicky heart, has had silent strokes and Parkinsons. Believe me it is much easier when I can look at luxury nursing homes at well over £2k pw than if I were dependent on an OT and SS assessment.

So yes, I think that whilst comparison is odious, I count every blessing every day and manage to look polished but nobody knies the leaden weight of my heart.

It sucks but it sucks a fuck tonne less with money in the bank.

I’m so sorry you have had similar difficulties. I think you’re right, I took out a 20k loan to cover private treatment for DD at the start when CAMHS were dragging their heels which I don’t regret, but the constant bills and debt are another stress each month on top of the health worrries

Oh OP, it sounds so hard. Sending thoughts.
I agree with you. My boys have had challenges beyond anything my nieces and nephews and best friend's children have known and there's been a series of knock-on effects, so the last ten years have been brutal. I will say that my eldest, who has had a really terrible time, has an emotional maturity and empathy well beyond his years, and I am really proud of them both. But I often wonder what a more carefree life would be like. On the other hand I have a friend whose teenager died from leukaemia last year and I sometimes think she'd give anything to have my issues.

I’m sorry you’ve been through all of that, sounds really hard, and you’re right most people deal with all sorts of hardships that you will never know about from a casual meet up.

Parenting a child with long term health/mental health conditions is its very own circle of hell.

I’m so glad your eldest has that emotional empathy and maturity that I often think only
Comes through child hood adversity and hardship, whatever that may look like. I’m very sorry to hear about your friend’s teenager dying last year. We never really know what’s around the corner, do we 😥