to not subscribe comparison is the thief of joy

[butteredbread1]

I hope this doesn’t come across as whining, I fear it will. Hit a wall today. I’m a mum to 2 kids, one of whom has severe mental health issues as a young teenager. We take one baby step forward and 4 back. Serious stuff (suicidal ideation, anorexia, the scary stuff). My life revolves around her and keeping her safe, appointments, meds. She is heavily reliant on me and is only in school on days she can manage so the week is unpredictable. I work from home for a low wage but it means I can (just about) manage the above. But finances are tight as though she gets DLA it goes on private therapies for her and I work too many hours to claim CA. Today, like many days, has been a 3 hour meltdown including screaming at me she wants to die and it literally tears my heart apart. She’s calmer now and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. This week saw several school events of which she managed 2, and to see her peers and their families hurt so much. The mums looked so glossy, groomed to perfection, matching trainer colours with their sweaters, I looked like a sort of adult version of Gollum. Much talk of where the next holiday is, the stress of travelling to gymnastic competitions, the stress of the new extension, and all these happy healthy looking girls and then my horribly thin one standing trying to fit in. It was so stark. I know they say comparison is the thief of joy but how on earth do I not compare what looks like enviably easy lives when my one feels like I’m stepping back into the boxing ring every day when I don’t want to. How do you not compare and let it steal the joy (joy very sparse anyway).

Older and benignly neglected due to the care his sister needs. Mature and wise beyond his years.

I’m so glad you’re in a better place. This is really helpful tips, thank you

you are an amazing mum and you are doing so well with everything life has thrown your way. i'm 18 with an eating disorder (arfid) and AuDHD. i stick out like a sore thumb in photos too, i'm thin and have knobbly knees and i can't 'picture smile' to save my life 😅. but my mum has always been my biggest supporter and is there to fight in my corner every single day. i rely heavily on her and i'm not entirely sure what i'd do without her. she is superwoman. i think you are your daughter's superwoman too. you're doing an amazing job and you should be so proud. i'm sorry i don't have any words of wisdom about the whole 'not comparing yourself to other people who aren't in your circumstances' thing, because i think its something me and my mum still struggle with. but i just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. you are doing so well and i bet that your daughter is so grateful to have someone as strong and kind as you in her life 💐❤

I don’t think you can know how much this means to me, what an incredible young woman you sound like 💛thank you. You sound beautiful inside and out.

Actually I’ve found I give myself some goals a day Easily achievable - so take dog for a walk, read at least a page of my book, do a piece of admin, walk a certain number of steps and do some puzzles and drink a certain number of glasses of water. Before I go to bed I jot it all down and it doesn’t matter if I’ve achieved them all. It’s just something that’s just for me.

and I guess in the same way, I’m patting myself on the back for the small wins, just like I should see it as a win if DS leaves his room and has a chat with me

There’s a tendency (especially on MN) to believe that absolutely no woman can have it all, and “all that glitters isn’t gold”, “you never know what goes on behind closed doors” etc.

But the older I get, the more I realise that’s complete bullshit.

There are absolutely, 100%, women and men who have easy, enviable lives filled with joy, privilege and respect from their peers and wider society. The grown up thing to do is just accept that as a fact of life, but also give it less attention and focus on one’s own life.

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time and I hope your daughter gets better.

Life is tough for many people st times. All normal.

But comparison is the thief of joy. Just try to improve your own life.

Blimey kick the op when she’s down why don’t you?
Yes they might be struggling with one of those, but also they might not.
Parents get old and will die, just like we all do and whilst that’s sad it’s not tragic. But having experienced both nothing is as heartbreaking as an ill child.
So sorry op it’s blood hard; sending you my best wishes and hoping the future is brighter.

when your at rock bottom survival mode comparison means fuck all. Life is sucking the joy.

I love this, I try and take the dog out for a walk each day and count it as a massive
in if I manage it. I know how much it must mean when your son wants to come and chat to you and can leave the room to do so 💛

are you my ex-DH? 😬🤦‍♀️

I would recommend keeping a journal - I look back over the Month. I feel I should get a gratitude journal. Spending the time clearing your brain helps!

my favourite thing is waking up early and lying in bed with a coffee and doing the crossword with the dog cuddled up. Thank god for dogs

I can't blame you for wishing your life was easier. It's just that it doesn't make it better or make you feel better if you dwell on what you think other people are experiencing.

You really don't know. Maybe the glossy mum has a secret drug, gambling, alcohol addiction? Maybe one of her family does? Maybe she looks effortlessly toned but has suffered bulimia all her life? Maybe she's in horrific debt, her parents are dying and her fella is addicted to porn and prossies?

I hope you can get through this tough time and I hope you can maybe get some therapy? And try and spend at least an hour or two a week on something that makes you happy. Not for others. Just you. X

I have been where you are with our child and it’s soul destroying and then some. You become othered from society because your life and your child’s life is on a completely different (downward) trajectory, you get through the day at home in your coping bubble but when you go out and you see other people’s ‘normal’ lives it’s a huge reality slap.

It’s not comparison or jealousy, it’s totally heartbreaking and I think that’s a totally normal reaction when you are going through something so serious. Even if you were looking polished and elegant the emotion would be the same.

Do you want to start looking less Gollum when you go out? It is achievable even when you feel like shit but if you are thinking of matching your jumper to your trainers - I’d advise caution as that is for toddlers not grown up women! 😁

I know pp has mentioned it but worth exploring autism. It’s quite common for symptoms to show at age 10 (onset of puberty and upcoming transition to high school). It won’t change who your dd is, but if she is autistic it might help to understand what’s driving the anorexia (e.g. is it sensory based as opposed to pure restrictive eating). Have any professionals ever mentioned this? It’s massively misunderstood in many professionals and girls are so good at masking.

I know exactly what you mean. I have a disabled daughter with learning disabilities. I remember once sitting in my car outside our local primary school waiting for another daughter. A bus arrived back from a school trip and what would have been my disabled daughters school year skipped off the bus to greet their waiting parents.I sat in the car and cried, hiding behind my sunglasses. Now she’s an adult and I’m nearing retirement age as are my work colleagues, I’m a bit envious of their retirement plans, travelling, golf, whatever. Mine will be more of the same, looking after my daughter. I admit it, there are times when I’m really jealous of other couples, able to wake up in the morning and not have another person to think about.
It hurts doesn’t it 🌺

Oh come on, nothing the OP has disclosed on this thread is “all normal”, nothing that some of the other posters have heartbreakingly described comes under the rubric “life is tough”. “Just try to improve your own life”! Seriously? You have to be a seriously mean person to think that’s an appropriate response.
To the OP and everyone who has described their children’s lives, I feel so sorry that you are having to endure this. You are all in my heart today.

It's quite likely that they're not experiencing that type of stuff though - as a couple of PPs have said, plenty of people who look happy, relaxed and moneyed, do have it good. There is no secret backdrop of terrible depression or debt or addiction.

I know you were trying to be supportive but why minimise the pain OP feels? She is allowed to look around and think it's not fucking fair that she and her daughter are experiencing such challenges (with OP's son experiencing the knock on effects).

Nobody stands there looking at these happy healthy people thinking, 'well, maybe she's got bulimia, that one could have debt up to her eyeballs and her husband might be cheating on her....that makes me feel so much better'. Much more likely to think, 'fuck, I wish things were like that for us'. It's human nature.

OP, I hope things somehow get easier for you and your DD 💐.

Yes - I look at ‘normal’ families and wish I had that. I certainly don’t wish my experience or other bad things on them!

I really feel for you and it must be incredibly tough that I cannot comprehend it.

However, you have just proved the point that indeed comparison is the thief of joy. You have to focus on the joys you do have within your life. There must be some. Little victories and forget what others are up to.

I think op is asking how to stop that comparison because it is so painful

at the moment really struggle seeing mums out with primary age kids as that’s the last time I really remember DS being happy. I spend so much time working out what I did wrong.

really the only thing you can do is get out of your own head through distraction but sometimes it can be hard to turn the inner voice off. When things are bad I keep the world service on overnight and fall asleep listening to it

I totally get you OP.

DD has learning disabilities and autism as well as a host of physical health conditions and will never live independently. I actually cried when I saw a picture of her classmates from her old primary at their secondary prom.

When they were smaller the differences weren't so pronounced but it really stands out now.

As others PPs have said I don't think it is necessarily comparison but more sadness for how you hoped your child's life would be and the actual reality.

It is totally normal to feel like that in your situation and hopefully your DD will respond to treatment. There really is nothing worse that hearing your child telling you that they wish they weren't here. It really pierces your heart.

You can "whinge" on here and know that you are not alone.

You absolutely do not know what someone else is going through, women become very good actresses in front of others as a coping mechanism, I’m sure men do too. It takes a LOT of effort to work/run a home/do lots for children/care for parents. I don’t think you’re seeing the full picture, they just have an extra half hour to make themselves groomed.

@butteredbread1 , your life sounds really hard. Of course it is a little hard, and in various ways, fit everyone, but what you're describing is really terribly hard. I know of one mum who had a severely disabled child. Her life is beyond hard. It's not like the ordinary hardness of day to day living. I agree, it's not that comparison is the thief of joy here, it's that you can see that you're not in the same boat as an awful lot of mothers. My heart goes out to you.

Maybe comparison isn’t the thief of joy always but a thief of any tiny bit of internal calm.

Im much more in a position where that phrase should apply about my own perception of my failure compared to others my age. I have mental health issues, nowhere near the level of your DD.

I try not to be hard on myself for the comparison coming to my head because I think it’s a natural human trait. in evolution it was probably to motivate a person to improve and become a leader of the tribe but it just isn’t helpful now.

I can’t know (because no one can ever know another person, certainly not on an anonymous forum) but you DD likely loves you very deeply just to feel safe to tell you her suicidal thoughts. She may not always be able to express the love.

If you are a physically expressive person can you give your children a hug each. Or if (like me) your DD or DS would find that hard find a cushion or a teddy bear.

If not here is a gentle hug ((( )))