to not subscribe comparison is the thief of joy

[butteredbread1]

I hope this doesn’t come across as whining, I fear it will. Hit a wall today. I’m a mum to 2 kids, one of whom has severe mental health issues as a young teenager. We take one baby step forward and 4 back. Serious stuff (suicidal ideation, anorexia, the scary stuff). My life revolves around her and keeping her safe, appointments, meds. She is heavily reliant on me and is only in school on days she can manage so the week is unpredictable. I work from home for a low wage but it means I can (just about) manage the above. But finances are tight as though she gets DLA it goes on private therapies for her and I work too many hours to claim CA. Today, like many days, has been a 3 hour meltdown including screaming at me she wants to die and it literally tears my heart apart. She’s calmer now and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. This week saw several school events of which she managed 2, and to see her peers and their families hurt so much. The mums looked so glossy, groomed to perfection, matching trainer colours with their sweaters, I looked like a sort of adult version of Gollum. Much talk of where the next holiday is, the stress of travelling to gymnastic competitions, the stress of the new extension, and all these happy healthy looking girls and then my horribly thin one standing trying to fit in. It was so stark. I know they say comparison is the thief of joy but how on earth do I not compare what looks like enviably easy lives when my one feels like I’m stepping back into the boxing ring every day when I don’t want to. How do you not compare and let it steal the joy (joy very sparse anyway).

I have a friend who on social media and when out in public looks like she has the perfect life. Lots of family support, husband earns well so she can work part time and be around for the kids, lots of happy family photos get posted, holidays, events, always well presented etc.

In reality, she is absolutely miserable. Her kids behave appallingly and speak to her like shit. Her husband spends more time doing unpaid overtime than being at home and has openly told her he'd rather be there than at home. Her parents complain at her constantly about "having" to help out and tell her everything she's doing wrong. They're in massive amounts of debt, she hates her job and can't find another one.

You see a snippet of people's lives and compare it to your whole life. That snippet is what they want to present and isn't always real.

It sounds like you have it harder than average and I'm sorry that's the case. But to answer your question, you remember that a few hours of what they present to the world is not the same as their whole life, and therefore you can't make accurate comparisons. So don't.

Oh my gosh that is it exactly. The constant sword dangling. I’m so sorry you live it too😢

So so kind 🥹

Is she autistic OP? Just wondering as anorexia is so common in girls with ASD and because she went to a school event in a boiler suit type thing which sounds like something an ASD teen might do, plus the meltdowns - and suicide ideation probably not uncommon either. Might be completely wrong though of course.

I think by comparing you are missing the small wins as others here are saying. You need to rethink what looks like a disaster/amazing. For your dd her going out was an achievement, her going to an event was an achievement and her going to 2 events at school was a huge achievement. If you can reframe each small step as a huge achievement rather than a disaster compared to the other families then it might help things not seem quite so bleak.

Glossy mums talking gymnastic competitions do not sound like your people though. Is there really no one more down to earth? This all sounds incredibly hard OP and I'm sure is completely draining, try to look after yourself in there as well because you need it too.

The thing is you’re not just comparing to specific people - you’re comparing to the simple dreams you had for your kids when they were little which the vast majority of families are just plodding along and achieving

She’s not been diagnosed with ASD, and all these symptoms started with
the anorexia age 10, but I guess it’s not impossible. But she really did seem “fine” before it. Who knows. Boiler suit vast improvement on the pajamas she wore for 18 months straight.

for some reason the mums are all very glossy and live in the most beautiful homes, and they are very nice indeed, it just feels 1000000 miles from my dd, my small house that is slightly falling apart at the seams to say the least and just all their…health, I guess.

This is so very true

It sounds more like you're mourning the life you thought you'd have, rather than full on comparing to these women.

If things were "normal" (for want of a better word, don't like the word normal tbh) in your life, would you care if they were glossier or their houses were bigger, etc?

It is so fucking hard op. Our dd wasn't as bad as yours, but ten years on and she's a properly functioning adult, holding down a job and with a bf and friendship circle.

I used to dread coming home to deal with her and if she wasn't downstairs, dread going upstairs in case she had done the unthinkable.

I hope she is receiving optimal clinical support. DD improved 100 fold when I twigged that I had to send a note after every meeting with camhs, setting out all that was discussed and everything they had agreed to do with a time-frame. Registered delivery, copied to the MP. It turned out she had well masked ADHD and some autistic traits but not enough for an ASD diagnosis. They got her on the right pathways when I involved the MP.

Sending love and recovery vibes. It's shit.

You want to be careful saying that on here. I said something similar quite recently and one poster said I was vile because I was wishing ills onto other people to make myself feel better about my own situation 🙈

My DD is older than yours, but similar issues around MH and ED, she was diagnosed as autistic 2 years ago. It is relentless caring for someone like this, and you do need outlets to express your grief (even if it's strangers on the internet!). I agree with others that a lot of it is about completely adjusting your definition of 'success', this takes practice, and sometimes the wins feel very very small. But they are still worth celebrating.

Sending solidarity, you are doing an amazing job. It's bloody hard x

Just want to say one of my friends went through this as a teenager. Everyone was so worried about her and life was very difficult for her and her mum for quite a few years.

She's much better now. She's an adult, married and has a lovely home and children of her own. She's very close to her mum, they often go on girls weekends away and she's much happier.

You can both get through this and have happier times ahead💐

Ah you seem to have a really difficult situation. Are you getting any support from family or professionals?

Thank you for this. Reading it in tears as I have to steal myself before going upstairs too. It’s such a hard hard life. I’m so glad your dd is a wonderful adult now. You must be an amazing mum ❤️

My take on this is a little different and I really hope this doesn’t upset you.
I think you need to really think about your attitude in comparing other peoples outsides with your own “insides” (as in your thoughts/ emotions/ hardships).
I also think you need to reflect on the way that you’re comparing your daughter’s physical appearance and clothes with other girls.
Your daughter has serious body image problems and your own reaction to the pain, stress and overwhelm is actually very similar in that you are negatively comparing yourself to others.
I’m not trying to make a particular point, but it might help you to recognise this as you don’t seem to have put it together.

So bloody hard. I’m sorry you’ve lived this too😢did your dd autism diagnosis help at all with her recovery journey?

I’m very aware of how I feel and I suppose it’s essentially the point of my post. Try as i might, it’s impossible for me not to notice, and therefore compare the differences between my life / home/ career/ relationship with my school mum peers, and the health/ (both mental and physical), appearance (healthy) and mood (happy and engaged in so many things) to my DD. I was just wondering if there was
any way to stop that, but from these posts I’m seeing it’s impossible not too which is validating to read I suppose.

I understand. I die a little when I hear someone tell me their child got a great job or is travelling the world or off to university. I also hate when they ask about my daughter. This certainly is not the life I had planned and I do grieve that sometimes.

That waking up not knowing what fresh hell awaits you today chips away at you. You stop looking after yourself because all your time and energy goes into this child who is barely living. Every ounce of energy, mental bandwidth, emotional endurance and penny I earn goes into my child and there is nothing left, in any capacity. Life just seems like an endless loop.

But there have been improvements, not to anyone else's eye, only to mine. Because I am the only one who knows the severity of it, how bad she was, how hopeless it once seemed. They are small changes but positive ones and ones I have wished for in the past thinking they are impossible. To anyone on the outside looking in it would look like she is still so ill and incapable, especially in comparison to their own kids who are winning at life but my daughter is winning, in her own way, fighting every day and making baby steps all the time.

So I try to concentrate on that comparison, where she was at her worst to where she is now. That doesn't mean I never feel sad when I look at other kids her age and see parents who look at me with pity when they ask about her, that is always there but I remember the days when I thought I couldn't go on because she didn't want to and that gives me the strength and hope to face tomorrow.

I see you OP xx

I don't know if this is helpful, but I had a friend with severe mental health issues - repeatedly sectioned, suicide attempts, etc etc. She eventually got stable when she was put on a high dose of lithium by her doctors. It's like night and day she is financially stable and able to live a life.

I think when you’re in the weeds it can be hard to see a way out and I try to remind myself that this will pass

but I would love to wake up without that dread in my stomach about what the day has in store

Thank you for seeing me and articulating how I feel so well it’s like you’ve climbed into my heart. You sound the most wonderful mum. It’s the waking each day not knowing what terrors will happen but you know they will. The never switching off. it feels like no life really.

It's complicated, but yes the autism diagnosis has at least helped DD understand herself more, we're still working on self-compassion. Part of her issue was that she coped and masked for so long, we're still unravelling a lot of that.

When she says she doesn’t want to be here anymore part of me dies inside, because if she chooses not to be here anymore where do I go? Sometimes it feels inevitable that may happen, then I get some hope and then we go back again. There’s just no ending of “better” in sight.

Is your other child older or younger?

I hear you. When my son was really struggling (still not over it but overall in a better place) I remember just thinking, he’s alive, that was the benchmark of my day. It’s a very lonely place to be. One foot in front of the other and one day at a time. Take the better days to do something you enjoy even if it’s short, but achievable. I won’t lie, there have been times I’ve felt utterly destroyed but I do have a strategy in that I start each day afresh. You might benefit from talking therapy, I took away a few good strategies from it.