to not subscribe comparison is the thief of joy

[butteredbread1]

I hope this doesn’t come across as whining, I fear it will. Hit a wall today. I’m a mum to 2 kids, one of whom has severe mental health issues as a young teenager. We take one baby step forward and 4 back. Serious stuff (suicidal ideation, anorexia, the scary stuff). My life revolves around her and keeping her safe, appointments, meds. She is heavily reliant on me and is only in school on days she can manage so the week is unpredictable. I work from home for a low wage but it means I can (just about) manage the above. But finances are tight as though she gets DLA it goes on private therapies for her and I work too many hours to claim CA. Today, like many days, has been a 3 hour meltdown including screaming at me she wants to die and it literally tears my heart apart. She’s calmer now and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. This week saw several school events of which she managed 2, and to see her peers and their families hurt so much. The mums looked so glossy, groomed to perfection, matching trainer colours with their sweaters, I looked like a sort of adult version of Gollum. Much talk of where the next holiday is, the stress of travelling to gymnastic competitions, the stress of the new extension, and all these happy healthy looking girls and then my horribly thin one standing trying to fit in. It was so stark. I know they say comparison is the thief of joy but how on earth do I not compare what looks like enviably easy lives when my one feels like I’m stepping back into the boxing ring every day when I don’t want to. How do you not compare and let it steal the joy (joy very sparse anyway).

Oh gosh I wasn't minimising OPs pain. I just know that lots of people experience problems others will never know about.

I was saying how I don't blame her for feeling that way.

Even though very rich successful people can and will suffer bereavement and ill health.

But it’s not about rich and successful people. my household is high income but that hasn’t stopped my DS’ problems

the comparison is to people whose kids are doing all the life stages at the right time and in the right way whilst your kid is getting left further and further behind. And then comparing your own feelings of anguish and despair to people whose main concern is the gymnastics run

in reality OP I feel better after speaking to people with kids in a similar position as they understand and don’t judge

That’s a toddler look really made me laugh, thank you! You’re exactly right, it’s when I see others I feel “othered” and it is so isolating. Thank you for seeing me

I’m in a similar position to @BeardySchnauzerand was struggling to understand why I want to shut myself away and why I have such difficult feelings (especially about meeting up with people who have young adult children the same age as mine who are able to get on with their lives). I’ve never previously been one to compare/be envious of other people’s lives. Anyway, a work colleague suggested that what I was experiencing was a type of grief - for the sort of life I’d thought my son would have (and possibly for the life I thought I’d be living at this point too). Somehow, this reframing has helped me a little bit by seeing that I’m not a bitch who is jealous of what my friends’ children are able to do but I am simply deeply sad about what my child is dealing with. Things are still totally rubbish, but I feel like I’m coping better.
I hope that you and your DD have a good week OP 🤞🏻

I often grieve the days my DD was happy too. The pop up photos on my iPhone are. Real kicker sometimes and then at other times I lose myself in remembering how happy she used to be

Oh god they totally are - they make me cry sometimes. I should try and switch them off!!

it feels so lonely as well - thank you for starting the thread OP. Whilst I am sad for all contributors who are also in this position, it has made me feel a little better that there are people who understand

I’m here too OP, not exactly the same scenario but similarly with a young adult DC who is not thriving. It’s very tough and like others I tend to stay away / avoid discussing with other parents who don’t understand. It’s helpful to feel less alone although of course I wish none of us were in this situation. 💐

Solidarity to you OP. I haven't been exactly where you are but somewhere similar and it is already so hard I dread the teen years.

OP doesn't need to hear that maybe the glossy people are Very Sad Underneath. Really. That's minimising her experience. She isn't able to have a child succeed and function well at school. She is allowed to feel that this absolutely sucks and mourn how unfair and rubbish it is. Love to you OP and while I can't help you, I see you and I acknowledge your struggles and they are real.

Someone said something to me the other day when I was narrating how me and DH are holding it together/managing/juggling... I said I still felt very tired and fed up. She just nodded and accepted this, and said kindly but plainly "Well, you would be. You are a family in crisis, aren't you?"

I was kind of shocked because I thought "oh! Are we?!" I thought well we HAVE BEEN in crisis, at A&E, leaving school etc - but now it is the everyday struggle, the small steps forward, steps back, the long emails to CAMHS, the referrals, the phone calls, the persuasion, the food at midnight or the no food at lunchtime, the going out suddenly, the staying in and ditching the plan equally suddenly... that has all started to feel normal.

You are incredibly strong because your normal, what you do every day without breaking, is living in crisis. It would throw any one of those people at the school into crisis. They wouldn't have time to do their hair.

I wish you luck and love - and the exchange between you and @arfidisarealthing made me cry. Good luck to all the amazing young people and their mums xx

I think, like someone else said, that the phrase isn’t meant like that. It’s for comparing yourself when things are objectively fine. So what is good, suddenly becomes less good. Like, someone has a three bed house but wishes it was four bed. When really a three bed house is fine.

What you’re experiencing is different. Things aren’t objectively fine when you have a child with mental health problems. It sounds really hard and exhausting and it’s ok to be sad about that.

Hey OP. You're doing a fantastic job. Your daughter is reliant on you, she knows she has you and you are there for her. Thats just amazing. You sound like
you are doing everything you can for your family and I hope and pray it gets better for you and your daughter. She’s going through a tough time.
There’s a saying that God does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear.

Believe in how strong you are because you are stronger than you know. And yes you are allowed to compare, we all do it. Even the most glossiest mum will be comparing herself to someone else.

The grass may look greener on the other side but if you water and nurture your side then it will be just as green.

Sending your family positive energy and strength.

OP my heart goes out to you, this is a traumatic situation and I can definitely understand where you are coming from. My DS is addicted to drugs (in his 20s). I cannot bear to hear about his friendship group and how well they are all doing. Every day is an effort for me. I see know end in sight. I am living a nightmare. So I do completely understand.

The news about your mum's dementia must be a big blow, because of what she's going through but also the sense of being even more on your own with your dad's situation.

For various reasons, the only family I have are my teenagers. Having no-one with the same or similar interest/emotional investment in my kids to talk things through with makes the hard times harder.

There’s a saying that a mother is only as happy as her least happy child and that feels very real at the moment and it’s totally heartbreaking to know the pain your child is in and you can’t just fix it

So touched by the care, sensitivity, congruence and validation here. You have genuinely made me feel less alone, less desperate and kinder to myself. Thank you, and for those also in the trenches of loving someone who is very ill (in whatever way) I send you love and hope of peace, whatever that means to you.

@butteredbread1 your post resonates with me so much.

My DD (now 18) was very similar to how yours is now from 13 to 17 Lots of mental health issues, eating disorder, multiple suicide attempts and depression. She was barely in school from year 8-11.

like you, I couldn’t leave her at home alone and even if I could have (being honest) it was so hard seeing all of the perfect families with seemingly no worries out and about, their DCs (my DDs friends) walking past my house on their way to school every day. It’s awful and as you say, you wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone. But it’s awful to be going through it. It’s during this period that I started really despising ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ .

It’s in no way comparable or applicable in your situation and what was my situation. What’s even more galling is that very often it’s trotted out by people who are in the more enviable position.

I saw it on a post earlier on here. Someone was in a really difficult situation and was looking for support / empathy and what’s the first offering ? Yes this expression! Why?!!

You are completely justified in everything you are feeling. You did not cause this, want this, and your desperately want your DD to be ok again. Wouldn’t anyone?

It feels desperately unfair and it hurts to be surrounded by so many people who are getting through just fine. (I know they are not all deliriously happy but I would have given anything just to have normal day to day teen problems) .

It’s ok to feel shit and for it to feel unfair. We didn’t ask for this for our DC or for ourselves.

I hope she gets through it. I know what your life looks like right now and it’s not easy. If it helps in any way… I honestly didn’t know if my DD would be here anymore in that period. She is now thriving. Happy (not perfectly so but who is?) , has a job , is going travelling soon and is looking to the future.

I honestly couldn’t have seen this being the case even 18 months ago. I know it’s relentless and exhausting but all of the battles/ appointments/ advocating you are doing will help her hugely.

best of luck to you

Sorry just to add: There are no obvious solutions in terms of how to deal with it but… I found that taking to 2 close friends who really got it really helped. I really had to limit who I saw and spoke to during this period. No big groups. I didn’t want to go to things where there would be lots of people either asking how DD was or not knowing what to say to me. And as others have said - take the small wins as they happen and try and readjust any expectations (ie don’t have any) .. it’s not for ever and it will pass. Also I started running (I now only walk) very early at the weekends before the time she normally woke up. It felt like some time for me before the day started.

I don't think the saying applies fully to you.

It does to the extent that comparison makes you feel worse, when you're already battling so much.

There are no unacceptable feelings all the same. It's OK to wonder why life is so unfair.

You’re not wishing anything on anyone. You’re simply acknowledging that every family has struggles of one kind or another. Their difficulties are as great in their view as OP’s are to her.

OP, you sound like an awesome mum. Dedicated, compassionate, loving, and strong. You also sound like you are tired of having to be strong and that while your daughter has support, you don’t have much. Is there a local support group for families with similar challenges? Would the school know of resources that would help you as well as your daughter? Or, maybe her medical team could recommend some? Is there any trusted friend or family member who could share some of the mental load with you? I don’t think that comparison is the thief of joy is entirely applicable in this case. I think it generally applies to comparing expensive holidays, cars, clothes, and consumer goods. I agree with others who feel you are grieving the life you wish you’d had. And that is okay.

I'm sorry to hear you are in the trenches, and that must be really difficult, OP, and I understand it's shit and you feel sorry for yourself. FWIW, I think I look pretty good and people may assume my life is perfect. But actually in the last few years both parents were very ill then died, huge impact as they lived with us also, both DDs are good now but both had huge mental health struggles, one had a really rough time at school for various reasons, was sexually assaulted, and also got pregnant and had an abortion. There is a lot going on behind the scenes for many. Most people have no idea how it has been for DDs and might think we live a charmed life.

So what if they are? Very few if any will be dealing with the likes of what the Op does day in and day out, this feels really unhelpful. Yes all or most families are going through something but this is to various degrees. I get how you feel op, I hope there’s respite in your future and your daughters health.

you don’t know that.
all the op knows is that they had 20 mins to put on make up and brush their hair.

Oh OP, what a difficult situation especially with your mum's upsetting news.

I also have a child with issues (I'm borrowing "my apple has no wheels" though, love it!) and I can really relate to how you felt. I don't see it as anything to do with joy. More a kind of alienation.

I wish you all the best.

I don't know if it's helpful to mention, but I was in a similar place to OP's DD in my teens. A long time ago, when the only treatment for anorexia was inpatient admissions with no therapy nor any support after discharge, and with a mum too caught up in her own depression and grief to see mine. Absent father.

It was a rocky road but I did go to uni, have always worked, got married and had children. The issues my teens have haven't been as serious as mine (or OPs).

Just wanting to say as others have, that things can and do change and get better but it's impossible to see when you're in the trenches.

Totally agree with what pps say about alienation and feeling 'othered'.

Also, all the 'you don't know what the glossy mums are going through' isn't helpful. There's a world away from ordinary teen angst when you have support for yourself, and the daily stomach-churning uncertainty that OP lives with.

Totally agree
but… the OP’s daughter got up, got dressed, left the house and attended a school event. I imagine that is a world away to the depths that the OP has been with her daughter, and she will still know parents where this seems like a world away still for their child - and sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of how far you have come