Being a solo mum is irresponsible?

[niassfattie]

I've a single parent due to relationship breakdown and I'm struggling. I have no idea how my single mum by choice, aka donor conceived children manage.

The title is obviously salacious, I'm not coping at the moment and wondering how other mums do it?

Did you foster before you were made a window? Sorry I'm just not following the timeline.

Mumsnet expects everyone to abort though

Now you are being extra-silly. This is dangerous hyperbole.

Ooh, the thread police as well as silly, rude and offensive.

@Butterme

That’s you told!

I wonder if the poster was made a round window or a square window. Used to love that programme when I was a kid.

😂😂😂

I would ask the same. However, some people have network support sometimes much better than a useless or abusive husband. Other factors like are you ok delegating or asking for help? I know I can’t do it but others do not have issues with this.

I lean into it and hold on to silver linings. My son is in to competitive sports. Being single means we can just up and go every weekend for competitions without having to plan for family time/ask if it's ok. Discipline and parenting is consistent. Our bond is pretty much unbreakable. I have complete financial control etc. Yeah it's shit at times but you can't change it, so better to enjoy it when you can.

Well maybe you aren't quite there yet. Ive been a single parent to 2 DC for 10 years since my youngest was 1 and they've been the best 10 years of my life. Granted they do see their dad so I get a small amount of down time, but I love that its just us. We are a fantastic team of 3. Yes ive had nights of no sleep, money worries, days when ive wished I had another pair of hands or another adult to make decisions with but thats all part of the journey and I am genuinely so pleased to be where we are.

I give myself some slack. House is a bit messy, I don't change bed covers as often as I should. But my kid is happy. Accepting it is hard and does get easier later helps a lot.

I think those who choose to solo parent are usually more financially secure which must help. I'd love to afford more childcare, cleaner, gardener etc.

I’m a single parent of two. I also run my own business and have just completed an MSc (face to face not online). I wouldn’t change it for the world tbh. What do you specifically find hard OP?

I think women who are single and use a donor are more likely to be older and wealthier so have the money to buy a support system I.e a nanny.

Can’t even get a pint of milk in an evening?!

How about we are organised and plan our shopping so we don’t run out of milk like most of the population?!!

I get your frustration with the sheer relentlessness of being a single parent. It’s not easy but you cope because you have to. It does get easier as they get older, but ask for help IRL if you need it.

Posters who rave about how great their friends, neighbours etc are as single parents, really don’t know what they are talking about. They aren’t with them 24/7 and people normally only show the good bits.

Also those posters saying they feel like single parents when “hubby works away” haven’t got a clue about the mental, physical, emotional and financial load of being a single parent, so perhaps sit this one out.

I’m a single parent - though I knew that would be the case since I found out, and in theory could have had an abortion rather than be ‘irresponsible’ and continue the pregnancy. I’m glad I have DS.

As with most things in life, it’s a balance. I knew I’d be single, but I also knew I had a decent support network, I earn good money so can Deliveroo a bit of milk if desperate or use annual leave for a shopping/‘me’ day when I can feel myself burning out. I also deliberately ‘invest’ time in helping out other local single mums so I have someone to call in an emergency, those friendships don’t happen by accident!

I do think we as parents (and you, from what you’ve said!) feel like we must do everything perfectly and be 100% child-led. Since DS was born I’ve done household chores during the day/after school and work whilst he’s at home, and he either helps or gets on with drawing/playing with toys/even a bit of screen time if necessary. The hours between his bedtime (7:30, again pretty intentionally!) and me falling asleep are ‘mine’ and I wouldn’t cope without them.

So no, I don’t think going down the donor route is irresponsible - TBF the few people I’ve known who have done it that way are amazing parents because a) they really wanted it and b) they can afford the little conveniences that make it easier. But that doesn’t change the fact that yes, parenting can also be really challenging in any circumstance and it sounds like you’re really going through it at the moment. I hope things get better soon and you figure out how to carve some ‘you’ time into the day!

Could not agree more. I have been a single parent (no joint custody- but I did move back in with my mum which was a godsend) and now I have a husband who works away. Complete apples and oranges. He is often on the end of the phone when he is away, he mows the lawn, he does all the school runs when he is here. We have to incomes, we have two set of parents for advise and support. Can’t compare the two.

I was a single mum to 3. I'm married now and had another child. It can be lonely and every decision is on you but you cope because you have to. Your kids depend on you, so you do it.

It also means that you have absolutely no choice for yourself as you seem to be the only person taking him. When is your time

When my girls were very young and I'd split with their dad I remember my mum going on about make sure I get maintenance from his etc. Maintenance wasn't my highest priority, id have preferred him to have the kids at least one night a week

It was the total being stuck with them ( and the restrictions it causes) the whole time I wasnt at work that I found difficult to cope with

The title is obviously salacious

Salacious is not the right word. It means lewd, scandalous (eg, salacious gossip). You could have said provocative or inflammatory.

OP do you co-sleep? I found that easier in the early years as sleep was a premium as a lone parent. Is the nursery napping DC too long in the day? Is that why they aren’t settling at night? Are you working? Those early years as a lone parent can be hard and lonely but it does get better!

A friend of mine chose to be a sole parent, she ended up with twins via IVF

She saved for years to have 2 years salary in savings, agreed extended mat leave (sabatical), found a night nanny to help for first few weeks. Her children benefitted from being at home with primary carer for 2 years. She built up a support network of mums in this time who all help each other out.

I think planning to do it on own from start is probably easier than partner leaving early on

You are in the trenches right now.

As your child gets older, they will sleep through the night.
It will get to the point where even when they wake up, they will be able to entertain themselves whilst you have a lie in.

You will learn to become more organised.
Even now my DCs are older and I can leave them, I still never run out of milk as I learnt to buy enough to last/when to replace it before it runs out.

The hardest part for me, was never having any alone time or being able to go out by yourself.

I made sure I did all of the chores whilst they were awake. So when they slept, that was my time to just relax.
I did things like online shopping, so on my days off I did things that were more fun like going for a walk, feeding the ducks, taking them to a club where I can talk to other mums etc. - this would get me out of the house but also tire them out.

Toddlers are difficult but try and enjoy them as time goes so fast.
But things 100% get easier as they het older and become more independent.

If you feel depressed then definitely see your gp.

I think it's mainly just being there for them even when you want to run away to a cabin in the woods. Listening to them, finding some fun, being as patient as you can be. You have to be good cop and bad cop, which is hard. I also learnt the hard way that clear boundaries are really important, maybe more so than if there is a partner there because two parents can hopefully be a united front.