Being a solo mum is irresponsible?

[niassfattie]

I've a single parent due to relationship breakdown and I'm struggling. I have no idea how my single mum by choice, aka donor conceived children manage.

The title is obviously salacious, I'm not coping at the moment and wondering how other mums do it?

Of course it’s not irresponsible.
Being solely responsible for another human being is probably the most responsible thing you can do.
Most single parents manage fine because they don’t have a choice they have to manage. It’s not an impossible task.
What are you finding most difficult op?

Thank you

What do you do to find support?
Child grow up and can learn to play on their own quite early.
Can you enjoy some peace after bedtime if the child is young?

I signed my youngst child up for a club Wednesday afternoon - she was 5 yo and I went for a coffee - it was a nice thing for me to do on my own in a busy week. And she had fun.

i was told to do a Claire's law..... Random FB message when we announced the marriage

He's not sleeping and I'm up with him until 9ish.

So I don't have a lot of time to do chores and start the working full time week

A family member paid for a sperm donor 8yrs ago as she was previously in an abusive marriage and was truamatised and sworn off men. They are both thriving as a single parent household, funded entirely by said sp

Do the chores with or along him.
Get a better nighttime routine to settle earlier.
Let him play on his own. You don't have to entertain all awaken hours.

Again, I’m challenging this narrative. I’m not irresponsible because I chose to be a single parent. Believe me, it’s a lot less unfair to my children to live in my loving, calm and safe home than it ever would have been to live with their birth parents. Hell, if the latter had happened there’s every chance they may not have made it to adulthood. Can you please stop now?

I think you're (deliberately?) misreading my post. I meant that it's not as simple as saying that being a single mum is always harder work than parenting in a marriage, because people's situations are more complex than single vs. married. Your situation is obviously harder than a single mum who has a lot of family support to call on, or a live in nanny, or many other situations. I'm sorry you don't have a support network.

And I don't think parenting alone is in and of itself a sign of irresponsibility - why would it be? Lots of people bring up children alone for all sorts of reasons.

I don't think there was any need for a deliberately goady title when it could have been "AIBU to wonder why anyone becomes a solo mum by choice when its so hard to be a single parent?"

I think that people know generally what bringing up a child entails and it is one thing to weigh it all up, and decide to do that solo. It is quite another thing to plan to have a child and then your husband dies, or fucks off, or becomes impossible to live with, so you find yourself with all of the work of parenting but in a very different landscape than you had envisioned. So no I don’t think it is irresponsible to be a solo parent by choice but I do think it is something that some people would be able to plan for and manage more easily than others.

No, I’m not angry at the sisterhood, just pissed off at your silly and goady title and your moaning. I absolutely love my sisterhood of brilliant friends who I have collected and nurtured over decades. If you can stop being melodramatic, then maybe you could post with some specifics of what actually you are finding difficult and then people here could help you come up with solutions. I will repeat, I am not irresponsible.

Like most things it mostly depends on your oncome

I think YABU, OP, because there are all sorts of situations that people find themselves in and irresponsible is a pretty harsh word.

But in general I tend to think it's not a great choice and not one to be encouraged. It's hard enough with two parents and a single parent is often on precarious ground. All of the women I know who planned to and got pregnant while single, as well as the 2 who got pregnant by accident when they weren't in an ltr and continued with the pregnancy have really struggled and their children have suffered because of it. Mainly financially, but also just because it's hard to shoulder all that stress and they have tended to be burnt out more than mothers I know with partners. They've also have had significantly more MH issues (though possibly that's causal more than symptomatic, just less visible when they were younger).

I grew up in a single parent family and we struggled. She did a great job with what she had, and I admire her for it, but I wouldn't choose to have children in the circumstances we were in and neither would she.

Lowering your standards helps.

Homework went out of the window long ago. As did homeschooling over lockdown, and absolutely anything non essential to do with primary school. (This actually helped with DS1, as he's extremely oppositional and if I'd nagged him about homework he'd have refused to do it to prove a point. As it is, he just gets on with it, and eating unhealthily and not cleaning up after himself is his way of sticking it to the mum 🙄)

I do remember when he was tiny, before DS2, I would clean and tidy in the evenings after he went to bed. Nowadays I rest, and if it's a mess it's a mess.

Also, childcare. All the childcare.

So you made a choice to be a single parent because that was the best thing to do for yourself and your child.

Yes it was the more difficult choice but you will look back and be so pleased that you made it.

I see you have a toddler - literally the most challenging age group.

Things will absolutely get easier.

As they get older, things like housework becomes so much easier as you do it whilst they’re playing.

If you’re really struggling then take a couple of days off work.
Spend 1 of those days doing a massive clean and another day just doing whatever you want.

Can you afford to drop a day?

I’m assuming dad isn’t involved at all. What about his family or your family?

Staying with an abusive man and traumatising your children - irresponsible? Yes

Leaving an abusive man and providing a stable, healthy home and upbringing for your children - irresponsible? No

Why are you making this about yourself.

You didn’t choose to have a donor conceived child so it’s not about you.

Im sorry you're struggling. Being a single parent is the hardest, least rewarding and yet most amazing thing I've ever done. I've been a single parent since DC were 5 and 3, 16 years ago. Yes it's exhausting. Frustrating. Exhausting again.

In terms of practical things, such as milk you either have to be super organised and check in the morning if you'll need to buy some that day. Or keep a pint in the freezer. Or a carton of long life stuff for emergencies. Of course these days you can deliveroo/tesco whoosh etc but they are expensive.

What do you mean ‘every decision is hers’?
@ShetlandishMumare you a solo parent? Otherwise your statement is ridiculous unless the partner is totally useless (and if so get rid of them). OP I’m a solo or lone parent as I was widowed when my children were small. It’s very patronising to ask ‘how do you do it’? Because one has no choice so it gets done.

Op a lot of the threads on here about making life easier in terms of cleaning/ planning/ organising etc would work for you. Also look at your work and whether you could cut even a few hours. Then look at threads about entitlements/ help you may not know about in the form of money or actual respite. If you have any family/ friends in real life talk to them and tell them, it’s a huge weight off to say you’re struggling.

Because I’m a single parent. Because I can read. Because my comprehension skills are excellent. Because I fall into the category that the OP has denigrated. Because, despite the onset of Reform and the hard right, I still feel entitled to my freedom of speech. Enough reasons for you? If not, I’ll happily list some more.

So do many women in relationships

I found it easier solo than being with my ex. No expectations just me so I got on with it.

Single mums are far to judged by society, when narrow minded individuals know absolutely nothing about the reason for it so big up to the single mums who do an amazing job of raising the next generation in the most difficult circumstances

Salacious really doesn’t mean whatever you think it means, google it.