Being a solo mum is irresponsible?

[niassfattie]

I've a single parent due to relationship breakdown and I'm struggling. I have no idea how my single mum by choice, aka donor conceived children manage.

The title is obviously salacious, I'm not coping at the moment and wondering how other mums do it?

You are being very unreasonable. It sounds like you're really struggling and need support, why not ask for that without throwing another community of single mums under the bus? I'd be a lot more inclined to empathise. None the less, i am sorry you're finding things so hard.

Depends on how you do it.

It's not as irresponsible as dumping the children and letting someone else do all the parenting.

If you do it properly it's incredibly hard work and I wouldn't recommend it (having done it myself) but it's preferable to living with someone who can't function as a parent or as a partner.

When I look back there were times when I was so exhausted, I was so hard working, the absolute opposite of irresponsible, I tried so hard and I realize that one of the things that got me through was determined cheerfulness and denial about how hard it was.

I can look back now and see how hard I worked and I don't know how I f did it. I'm not usually one to recommend denial, but it worked for me.

I'm sorry you're going through the exhaustion phase, I don't know what to say to make it feel better, except that you must remember that your children are kids for such a short time comparatively and to do things with them that you enjoy, that remind you how much you love them and how much it's worth it. It does get easier and if you make sure your kids know you love them, you will have the benefit of a really great relationship with them when they're adults. And they will be adults for much, much longer than they are children.

My husband spent a lot of time overseas when my children were little. I was working fulltime. I was exhausted when he was away. I had scarcely time to eat. Getting them home. helping with homework, cooking them dinner, bathing them and getting them off to bed then tackling laundry, housework and food shopping on top of that was utterly exhausting and that was before we even found ourselves in the queue for an emergency plastic surgeon on a Friday night. I don't know how women cope with that relentless grind for years.

@niassfattie single mum for 12 years now. Yes it was bloody hard at the start. Many nights I sat in the garden and cried when my sons were asleep. But I kept on going for my sons. Sending hugs x

Good for her.

@niassfattie

The title of your thread has insulted me. I’m far from irresponsible. I’m a single adoptive parent of two, my eldest was placed with me as a tiny baby and is now nearly 19. Both of my children have disabilities, complexities and neurodivergences. I have not had a relationship in all the time I’ve been a parent, to be honest, years on here reading about all the selfish, lazy, good-for-nothing cock lodgers has put me off men for good. As I say, I am not irresponsible. I made a conscious decision and I have stuck to my contract with society and the state. Please don’t shit on the sisterhood because you are angry at the world.

Well, it's obviously the opposite of irresponsible. It's just about as 'responsible' as it gets (assuming you are doing your best and working hard at it).

Lone parent of three here, not by choice. It's been hard and there has been a lot of daily grind but it gets easier as they get older and there are great rewards in the end if you can maintain good relationships with them.

Seems like you are angry at the sisterhood.

Just because others have had bad experiences with men, than that doesn't mean you will or that your male relatives are bad partners.

But tell me, how do you cope with two with varied needs and no support for yourself?

Yeh, single mum of 7 here and I'm just used to it now! Newest one is 15 days old

What exactly is your point here?

Thank you.

Any tips of how to maintain good relations?

It's not always easier having a partner. Sometimes you have to do everything as well as have the other adult to please. Sometimes it's a relief to only have yourself and your children to look after.

I felt this when my DC was younger - had to do everything while he was in school or at a playdate, but hang in there, it changes very quickly as soon as they start tween/teendom! I hosted a lot of playdates, helped others out so had folks I could lean on to have my DC when I needed a break.

Doing everything your self is always harder than having an extra pair of hands.

That extra pair of hands don't need to be a partner though

There was a better way of asking for support than using this thread title.

Still, youre very normal. Everyone has their struggles. For me, i take things one day at a time and focus on just having a nice day.

Things eventually fall into place, especially when they start school x

You make it work. Find a way.
You find support.
Or you hand over the child/ren to social service.

Not everyone, including single parents, have that extra pair of hands.

The first time. I was committed, engaged and totally in love, he was solvent and madly in love with me. The minute I was pregnant he decided he wanted his sperm back and changed his mind. A grown 35 year old man demanded an abortion from me. I refused. He went abroad and hasn’t seen me, his child, or paid a penny for 20 years. He is now 55 and I understand single, unmarried, and no children. The second time I was older and wiser and married and he crossed some boundaries so that was that divorce. In neither case was I particularly stupid or wrong or naive. I raised them alone. It was hard having two kids on my own but I had a good career and good friends and a strong support network so that helped. My family are horrible though and I’m NC with them.

My now DH raised his child with his wife who died suddenly when she was in her 40s leaving him a single parent. It happens.
Having a poor relationship with an abusive, lazy man I believe is worse than solo parenting.

My friend adopted when she was 50 and single with no children. She adopted a high needs child who is now 14. It has been hard but she hasn’t done it alone and has many friends but a small family. She has a teenager son who without a doubt is high needs. She worked medically with high needs children and she knew to some extent what she was doing - it hasn’t been easy. She never dated anyone and isn’t a lesbian, it just never happened for her. It just didn’t so she has her son without a relationship.

My ex turned abusive when ds was 3 days old. We eventually left when ds was 2.

Then life became much easier. I worked full time, took a 1 bed flat close to the office and found a lovely child minder between the two.
It was easy. Up at 7.30, drop ds at 8.40, at my desk by 8.50. Then leave work at 5.30, collect ds at 5.45, home by 6.
Then ds and I had lovely evenings, supper, play for 30 mins then bath and bed.
Then I had two blissful hours reading, listening to music, doing anything I wanted. Then sleep.

I loved it 😊

Of course it’s extremely difficult.

Its not just parenting, it’s things like cutting the grass, shopping, taking your car for mot, building furniture, life admin etc all things that you need to do on your own whilst also parenting on your own.

You just find a way to cope.

I do agree with you about women (or men) choosing to be a solo parent is irresponsible. Not because it’s difficult but because it’s unfair to the child.

I am assuming you didn’t choose to be a solo parent so what happened in your situation?
How old is your child?

You can do a lot yourself to find support. Or if possible pay for it.

This isn't my point. My point was that in some cases being a single parent is easier than having a partner. Even when you don't have outside support.

I found it all a lot easier to deal with once XH pissed off. One less problem in my life, could make decisions without his input.

Obviously millions of women manage.

Can you say what’s particularly troubling you? Other than it being difficult to buy milk? I am guessing there’s more to it than that?

Hardly nasty is it when it caught your attention and was in the post

However makes me think you think I'm irrpsisnble as I have no partner or support.

Clearly you do

Never get a break. Every spare minute outside of nursery is his and not mine. Constant wake ups. Constantly being tired. Having no support or anyone to talk to. Toddler can't talk clearly but is also trying to talk. Anything he doesn't want to do is meet with no mummy, crying of not being cooperatibe. I work full time.