Being a solo mum is irresponsible?

[niassfattie]

I've a single parent due to relationship breakdown and I'm struggling. I have no idea how my single mum by choice, aka donor conceived children manage.

The title is obviously salacious, I'm not coping at the moment and wondering how other mums do it?

Is it less irresponsible being the parent that doesn’f parent? I’m the parent that stayed and is consistent. Thafs not irresponsible.

also for those that are widowed - its crass to suggest they might be irresponsible.

I get it feels overwhelming at first but honestly you do adjust and thrive. I’ve done it for years now without any family nearby. Built up support with friends, and used paid child care. Lowered my standards when life demanded it. We have a great life.

It’s hard, but you have to get yourself into a good routine and lower expectations sometimes and all of that takes time.

honestly, be kind to yourself, it’s not easy working full time and being a solo mum but your little one won’t be little for long and the hard things now will become easier x

I'm a solo foster carer to a child with complex disabilities who is on palliative care, I am pretty sure social services don't think I am irresponsible else the child wouldn't be here. I started fostering with DH but he died a few years ago and I have continued on our fostering journey alone. Is it hard at times? Of course it is. Am I knackered at times? Absobloodylutely. Am I irresponsible because I am solo? Definitely not.

You are a legend ❤️

I was a lone parent, not planned to be, I had my dc as a teenager. The violent ex had parental rights removed by the court.

it’s hard op. But I managed to work pt to start off with, go back to college then on to uni and got my degree so it is doable. For me a pretty regimented routine really helped. I’m still similar now in my 50s.

so routine meant financially bills paid, food shop money for each week with handwritten shopping list so we don’t run out . A handwritten meal plan on fridge.

then routine for what time we eat, what time we get ready for bed, have a bedtime story, and so on.

the a routine for day 1 evening I cut the grass or say day 3 afternoon I do the washing.

all sounds really mundane but got us through. Now I’m a lot older I’m really proud of myself tbh as I was so young and did the very best I could.

you are doing a great job too op 💐

I’ve voted YABU as I was 100 percent responsible not irresponsible. The irresponsible one was the other parent.

I've a single parent due to relationship breakdown and I'm struggling. I have no idea how my single mum by choice, aka donor conceived children manage.
The title is obviously salacious, I'm not coping at the moment and wondering how other mums do it?

Here is the OP.

Perhaps you should rethink how good your reading and comprehension skills are.

Ah, fuck off with your 1950's attitude, yea!

I stand one hundred per cent by what I said. The OP merely had to reach out and ask for help. I, for one, would have given it. There’s no need to offend anyone else in the making of a thread. Also, your comment about me not choosing parenthood through donor conception is exceptionally silly.

I do wonder if the poster does not have English as a first language? And I am absolutely not going to be that dick who picks up on grammatical and spelling mistakes.

If the OP would like to return - and not insult very many of us - I would be delighted to help with some of my single parenting tips gained over two decades. Also, I would like to point out that there is not a hierarchy of single parenting; I’ve read a few comments about widows, as if they are the only women permitted by society to legitimately parent solo. None of us is living in a Jane Austen novel. Some of the attitudes on here are fairly shocking; I can see why Reform is on the march. But will Reform care if you are a single parent by widowhood or a single parent by donor conception?

I don't think you mean salacious.

Presumably if you decide to become a parent on your own you should be going in with your eyes open in terms of cost (money, time, loss of career, loss of social life) and benefits (building a family) and you weigh that up for yourself before committing.

Lots of heterosexual couples fall into parenthood without really thinking about it much (everyone else is doing it so why not) and assume that they'll always have the support of their partner. And if that goes wrong they are mourning a loss and it feels unfair that the goalposts have changed.

In summary: its about mindset. Change your attitude, look at the opportunities and joy that solo parenting brings. Focus on the here and now and whats right for you and your kids. Not what you think you "should" have or what has been taken away from you.

Total common sense.

It sounds like you did a great job.

You just have to get on with it esp if spouse dies /runs off /useless etc

single parent here and def don’t get eow so dd is with me 24/7

I wouldn’t say I’m struggling. Yes I’m tired and all comes down to me but I’m def coping

I hear you and I see you. You are clearly one of society’s most committed and responsible carers. I’m sorry to read that your fosterling is on palliative care.

I don't understand the title. How can it be irresponsible to parent a child?It's irresponsible to be the feckless fucker who can't be bothered to grow up and share the cost, effort, time, energy and responsibility necessary to raise a child. That's usually the man who bows out.

Any parent raising a child alone due to being widowed or escaping from abuse is heroic, not irresponsible. And anyone who chooses IVF over being childless is brave and really wants a child.

People have different levels of support, resources, energy, capacity and capabilities. And therefore some find it harder or easier than others.

How long did you know him before you got pregnant

I feel the same as you. Some people, like yourself, end up as single parents but I do not get anybody choosing to be one. It seems self indulgent and also unfair to the child. Having a child is not a right.

I am sure things will improve for you, nias, you are currently living through a tough phase. x

I don’t know why you keep trying to make it political.

There is a massive difference between people who make a conscious decision to be a single parent and knew they were doing it alone eg via donor vs someone who assumed they’d have support.

A widow has to deal with grief on top of losing that support system, whereas some single parents have a great co-parenting relationship with their ex and a decent amount of maintenance.
So yes I do think there is a hierarchy.

OP is obviously struggling as her relationship has recently come to an end, possibly learning some shocking things and she’s been thrust into being a single parent.

I’m sure OP is still reading or will tomorrow, so if I was you I would be giving her the tips anyway.

I can only speak for myself.
But i found it easy to be a solo single mum, i raised 2 alone from birth of my seconed with no help as i dont have family.
I had a 17 month old and a new born, i got on with it.
I am and have always been a minimlist so i think that helped.

Oh, for goodness sake. Some babies and children are born to the wrong families. Some women choose the wrong partners. Some fathers are paedophiles. Can we stop with this idiocy now? There is no hierarchy of single parenting? Are we critiquing the OP for her inadequacy in failing to choose a suitable life partner for the long-haul?

Well, stop being rude and offensive.

What opportunities and joys? Opportunity of running out of milk and not being able to leave. Constant wake ups? Not being able to go out by yourself. Yeah amazing