Ex unhappy with my FWB after he turned up unannounced

[Exproblem2]

NC’d for this.

Ex DP and I share DS (3). In general, despite separating a couple of years ago our relationship is friendly and grown up.

Ex turned up at mine unannounced earlier this week (as he was ‘in the area’) to drop something off DS left at his.

I have a FWB who I usually see on my child free weekend and he occasionally visits me in the week too. DS is always in bed. FWB hasn’t met him.

FWB was at mine when my Ex knocked. I answered the do myself but it was obvious I wasn’t alone. I then get a text from my Ex to say he thought we agreed we’d inform each other if we were to introduce anyone to DS. I explained that I have stuck to this and no one has met him, nor am I dating anyone. He then said I was wrong to bring a ‘random’ back to mine. I said he isn’t a random and he’s someone I’ve known for years (through nursery/pre school).

I have told him it’s none of his business and asked he doesn’t turn up unannounced again. He didn’t reply to this. Does anyone think I’m in the wrong?

This x a million. I do not get what people are on about. If her child woke up she would hear and go in to him why would he know someone was there.

OP why not just see your FWB when your son isn't there? Problem solved.

Still do have sex, don’t lock the bedroom door.. therefore if toddler had woken in the night they wouldn’t have been panicked by firstly a locked door when seeking comfort or a random person.

The pearl clutching on MN is getting ridiculous. God forbid a woman should want to have sex when (shock horror!) her child is in the house! For fuck’s sake. The child is asleep, the bedroom door is locked, and if little one needed mum she’d send FWB home and look after him.

Pearl clutching mentioned - bingo!

Everyone has different opinions on what’s acceptable. Personally, I would not invite a casual fuck buddy over to my house when my small child was there. And definitely not leave them on the other side of a locked door.

I really don't like the sound of this, so I can only imagine how your ex feels having his DS in the house with "some random" - and he is some random because your son hasn't even met him! It all feels a bit sneaky and unnecessary. You have the opportunity on your child free weekend.
It also sounds like you currently have a pretty amicable relationship with your DS's dad and this could mess all this up.

Your ex is looking out for the safety of your child also. I’d want to know who was staying round, around my child.

THIS. ⬆️

First time I saw a naked man was when I walked into the bathroom as a young child in the middle of the night and found one standing at the sink.
It was a lot later that I realised I must have been woken up my my mum and her FWB having sex/using the bathroom after and because I was awake, realised I needed the loo. Obviously they weren't exactly being discreet by him wandering across the landing naked, but I was about 4 and I remember being utterly confused and feeling shameful (I don't know why, I just had an idea it was something I couldn't speak about the next day and that I'd done something wrong by walking in on him)

I can understand that if someone has their children 100% of the time that they have to compromise. But if you're co parenting, I really don't see what the issue is sticking to your child free time for casual partners.

This.

If a man snuck his FWB into the house so he could lock the door and shag her when he had his child, even though he had childfree time he could do it in, it would be sleazy.

He'd be shagging away – hopefully quietly – and hoping his child didn't wake up and overhear anything, or come to find daddy...in which case he'd have to get FWB to hide when he opened the door to take the child back to their bedroom. And if they wanted to jump into daddy's bed for comfort they wouldn't be allowed to, because daddy's secret shag is hiding in there.

Gross. And it's just as bad with the sexes reversed. Given her agreement with her ex, why can't OP wait til her child isn't at home to get pounded by her FWB? Is the need to be fucked really so urgent that she can't wait until a more appropriate time?

(Although ex shouldn't be turning up unannounced, either.)

Three year olds do wake up,hear noises, possibly get up to seek comfort and discover mums bedroom door locked and even if it is locked there is a strange man in the room. To me that is unacceptable. See FWB while child is at his Dad's place.

Cant a shag wait till there is no child around?

It is a bit seedy though. Why not just wait til the child free weekend and have sex with the FWB?

This isn’t even a boyfriend where you have an intimate romantic relationship, it’s just some guy over for a casual shag.

There’s just no need to sneak him upstairs when you have a whole weekend to yourself one a fortnight.

If this FWB ends, would it be fine to just have someone else over?

Tbh this thread has moved on from what op posted about. I feel slightly bad for her given the resounding negative response - but personally I’d feel weird/guilty if it were me.

I think it's pretty out of order to have your FWB round when DS is asleep

But it's none of your ex's business (although I assume you are happy if he shags random women when DS is at his house,?)

Gross. Use your child free time for a quick easy shag. Absolutely no need to do it when the child is there.

I’m all good - the poll proves what the silent majority think.

So if you live with your husband, do you never have sex?

What time did the ex show up?

and maybe it is time for him to him to have more overnights. Would he go for closer to 50%?

OMG everyone is so precious! I dated after divorce but rarely introduced any bfs to my DS. And if they ever met it was "as a friend " and we didn't actually act as we were together.
It's absolutely fine to have sex with someone whilst DS is asleep. You know your child. If they are a frequent waker of course that would be tricky but if they sleep soundly then no worries. I also never allowed bfs to sleep over if the DC were with me so no risk of them coming into the bedroom in the morning either and finding someone.
If your FEB arrangement works for you then great. Youve stuck to the agreement and no introduction has been made.

Also people are going on like she has loads of child free time. Like most single mums, she gets two days a fortnight. So she does 85% of the childcare. Maybe Mr Fantastic Puritanical Ex could do a few more days before he starts whining about how bad it is if she has someone over when the child is asleep

I think I have an inconsistent/hypocritical view here, in that I think this is fine and I wouldn't necessarily feel the same if it were a man. Maybe it's because women are more likely to do the bulk of the childcare - if she's only free every other weekend, when is her ex free? Could he shag a FWB most nights if he wants to? And when it's the mum, I have a learned confidence in her prioritising her kid if he needs something overnight. I feel all the people talking about how "grim" and "seedy" it is aren't very sex positive. I don't think there's anything wrong with sex between consenting adults when there are children in the house, as long as the children are asleep and safe (i.e., no strangers paying mum for sex, etc.), and there is an intention to prioritise them if they wake up.

No rules once you have your own space and home
Kids in bed or flying down stairs to ser this perpon..so what it is life.
Ex needs to not text such utter crap.

“Birdsongisangry · Yesterday 20:31
I think as well, as much as it's your choice to do what you want, I would have assumed the 'agree not to introduce anyone to DS' means dating when your child isn't there. I can see that technically you haven't introduced DS to anyone, but it's a technicality rather than in the spirit of the agreement. And as others have said, it's only by luck. It isn't just about whether DS knocks on for you either; if they wake up and hear voices when they understand it's only them and one parent in the house that's very confusing.”

For me, it’s this. You have childfree time so could see your FWB then but you’re seeing him also when your child is with you so you ought really to have given your ex the heads-up based on your agreement.

Voted YANBU originally as no its none of ex's business who youre snagging, youre seeing FWB on child reed weekends.

But since the updates; where you've agreed that no-one meets DC etc., that you bring FWB over, lock your door and shag while your DC is in the house. No YABU.

Yes couples do have sex, BUT their DC knows that person. They know that there is 3 adults in the house. Stop bringing your fuck buddy into the house midweek whilst you have DC. Save it for child free weekend. That way its non of ex's business.

No, it’s fine and the “agreement” means fuck all. She can change her mind at any time because it’s got nothing to do with her ex. The child is three and doesn’t understand sex or relationships. She gets two meagre days off per fortnight, the ex gets twelve. You would not be going on this way if she invited a platonic friend over for beers when her kid was in bed. No chance.