Ex unhappy with my FWB after he turned up unannounced

[Exproblem2]

NC’d for this.

Ex DP and I share DS (3). In general, despite separating a couple of years ago our relationship is friendly and grown up.

Ex turned up at mine unannounced earlier this week (as he was ‘in the area’) to drop something off DS left at his.

I have a FWB who I usually see on my child free weekend and he occasionally visits me in the week too. DS is always in bed. FWB hasn’t met him.

FWB was at mine when my Ex knocked. I answered the do myself but it was obvious I wasn’t alone. I then get a text from my Ex to say he thought we agreed we’d inform each other if we were to introduce anyone to DS. I explained that I have stuck to this and no one has met him, nor am I dating anyone. He then said I was wrong to bring a ‘random’ back to mine. I said he isn’t a random and he’s someone I’ve known for years (through nursery/pre school).

I have told him it’s none of his business and asked he doesn’t turn up unannounced again. He didn’t reply to this. Does anyone think I’m in the wrong?

Seedy?! Don’t be ridiculous. DH and I have sex quietly with the door closed .. can definitely still hear a child shout out for us!

If a couple lives with their DC, the DC know who both the adults are and have relationship with both of them. That's very different to a FWB and a bit worrying you need to have that pointed out.

While I think you're quite entitled to do what you want with who you want and your ex shouldn't be turning up unannounced, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? I don't think he is unreasonable to feel you have gone back on your agreement.
at 3 he could wake up at any point and regardless to wether you have a lock on your door he could end up meeting this guy accidentally. I don't think I'd be having a fwb round while my child was in bed.

The difference here is that if your child shouts there is no drama about going to get them, bringing them in, whatever works. In OP’s situation the child is waking up to a strange man in the house and so it’s either an awkward hello or an even more awkward sneak out to hide. Inviting a FWB round and locking the door when you are at home with a 3 year old to have sex really is quite seedy and any man doing this would be crucified.

I wouldn't even bother discussing this with my ex. Just delete any texts that he sends you that aren't directly about DS.

Yes but they generally recognise the voice of the person shagging their parent.

If he wakes up, how are you going to explain when he asks who was the man in your bedroom?

He's right to be angry. Disgusting behaviour on your part.

Would you honestly be as relaxed as you want him to be if it was the other way round? A woman your son hasn’t met over to shag your ex behind a locked door while DS could wake up?

I do think this is a bit out of order actually (from either parent). What if your child wakes up and finds some random (to him) person there. Yuck. That said it’s certainly none of your ex’s business, or rather there’s nothing he can do about it, but I can see why he wouldn’t be happy.

Agree with all the posters saying ops behaviour isn’t on. Especially the locking
of the bedroom door. Expect a few “you’re all just pearl clutching!!” though!

You definitely broke the agreement between you in my view. This would have upset me too

Tell him it was a friend? Not sure why people are getting so wound up about it. Presumably if her son wakes up the OP goes to him, he doesn’t come into her room.

I think as well, as much as it's your choice to do what you want, I would have assumed the 'agree not to introduce anyone to DS' means dating when your child isn't there. I can see that technically you haven't introduced DS to anyone, but it's a technicality rather than in the spirit of the agreement. And as others have said, it's only by luck. It isn't just about whether DS knocks on for you either; if they wake up and hear voices when they understand it's only them and one parent in the house that's very confusing.

Well it’s really stupid having an agreement like that in the first place and it just reeks of control. People should be able to judge for themselves who to introduce to their child and when, not have to run it by a potentially jealous and controlling ex. And the OP is not introducing him to her kid and he’s not even her boyfriend.

I think there is every chance the DC could be aware of the new FWB and I'd want to support my child manage any worries about that

Any reason the ex was "in the area"? Does he often turn up to "drop things off"? Is he still single?

I'm wondering if he's put out because he was hoping you'd get back together at some point?

Ignore the posters getting hung up on whether your FWB should be in your home when DS is. It's irrelevant imo. It's real easy to be a mum and have a midweek meet.

Grow up. How is this different from a married couple having sex while their child is asleep? And on the off-chance that the OP needs to send the FWB home because the child is unwell or something, all she needs to say to the child is that he’s a friend of Mummy’s who had popped round. A three-year-old doesn’t understand that they’ve been shagging.

A friend he's not allowed to meet?

I would imagine that would make him even more anxious.

I can’t believe the comments on here. OP you have done nothing wrong other than slightly bend the terms of an agreement. Even to say that is a push.

How is it a jealous and controlling ex if they both agreed to this arrangement?

It’s a bit grim, isn’t it?

Is it sex in general or the FWB aspect that bothers you?

So when you have sex with your dh you didn’t lock the bedroom door?
what is it about a locked bedroom door? That problem?

He’s three and presumably doesn’t meet every one of his mums friends. I’m not sure why people think it would be so upsetting for him. He doesn’t know what sex is or what fwb is.

I meant in general it’s not good for either person to agree to essentially be able to police their exes dating life and vice versa.

would people have such an issue if the friend was a female work colleague and instead of having sex they are having pizza in the lounge but the friend doesn’t meet the son? Because the son is three. He genuinely doesn’t understand.