aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

@justme39 I'm a new GM. My approach is that any contact with DD, DSIL, DGC is a privilege. The job of a GP is to provide uncritical love and support both to the new parents and to the DGC.

I had my DCs 30 years ago. Much has changed in that time and mostly for the better. The advice to new parents has moved along. We are a far less deferential society. My DPs and DPIL did things which made my teeth itch but I couldnt say anything. Now I hope my DCs feel able to speak up.

Take time now to honestly reflect on what has got you to this point. What type of DGM do you want to be?

You were wrong to post it against her wishes but you have apologised and its hardly crime of the century.

Gone are the days when Grandparents were expected to take photos and share them to showcase your beautiful family and how much you love them. In my mind, I have a locked social media profile and my only "friends" are close family and friends not some random person I once met in a nightclub for 30 mins, so it is a relatively safe environment.

But I complied with anyones wishes not to post photos until down the line I realised that they were posting photos to their 1000+ random friends. (sorry not referring to my kids and grandkids here)

Crikey when I was a kid, my mum had a massive photo on the wall of me and my siblings in a bubble bath playing together with submarines and duckies. It was a simple, loving, fun photo we all cherished then, and just as much now.

she said the facebook photo proved i dont respect boundaries and that i have a pattern of doing what i want and then acting innocent after.

then she said she doesnt trust me alone with baby because she thinks id ignore their rules if i disagreed with them.

I 💯 assumed this is what the Facebook post would do. Total overreaction by them but that doesnt matter. You are where you are.

Her response to your apology (assuming it was a good one) sucks so does his.

I would back right off now.
I'd say something along the lines of your comments were all well intentioned especially the ones regarding her resting - having a baby is hard work. However, you hear them loud and clear. You wont offer to look after the baby and you'll give them space. You hope she enjoys her mat leave and she does want anything let you know and you'll help if

Then give them a lot of space.

Well she isn’t wrong or out of order with her reply. You have broken their trust and gone against their boundaries etc.

Im a first time mum to a 6 week old baby and im still trying to find my way and get my confidence. If I had someone constantly critiquing me and telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing I’d feel like I was constantly being watched and judged.

You may have had good intentions but you’ve over stepped and she/they are rightly hurt.

FFS! What on earth is the matter with so many of you on here, it sounds like you hate your parents and in laws. So much nastiness to the OP, and so unnecessary. She followed the advice given by those of you who were VERY forceful about what, in YOUR opinions she'd done wrong, and apologised sincerely to her DIL, and got a mouthful back, which you then all pile on and agree with. This is the second time in about a week that I've felt compelled to call people out on the nastiness on MN, as I thought the role of this platform was for Mum's to support each other, not rip each other to shreds when we've made a mistake. This says an awful lot about society as it is today, and I think those of you who have been so nasty should be the ones reflecting on your own behaviour, as you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Really? That's the most cringe thing I've ever read. I mean if you want to abase yourself in the hope of crumbs from the high table go for it. Personally I'd rather concentrate on my own life and friends where relationships work both ways.

I never see reasonable grandparents suggesting young parents ‘weaponise boundaries’ if I’m honest. Why would the opinions of anyone but a child’s parents matter? And a lot of people feel putting a child’s image on the internet is dangerous, im
not sure you get that point?

Maybe they will come around in a few years or maybe not. If there was a long list then there are clearly quite a few problems (from DIL’s perspective anyway).

Just remember this is not a debate between equal partners in the baby’s life. The baby lives with their parents. Grandparents do not have a right to see their grandchild. You are risking being cut out completely here which would be a shame, so while it’s fine to feel upset in private I think you need to take a big step back and stop overstepping (yes I know you don’t think you are, but DIL does and that’s the key point).

I had a lot of the same issues with my mum. She would not stop with the advice and ignoring what I wanted. She barely sees my children and is never alone with them, we have got through the toddler years just fine without her.

I think no matter what your feelings are, you really need to assess what’s most important to you here.

Not cringe, no. It’s just a flowery way of saying she respects the boundaries of the new parents and isn’t entitled. She’s offering unconditional support rather than “I’ll do what I want because I’ve had kids before and I’m the grandmother”

Posting a picture after being asked not to IS wrong - that’s fact, not an “opinion”.

We shouldn’t all just blindly support each other just because we all happen to be women/mums.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You must feel devastated. I can just imagine your feelings, especially about your son. Please try to stay strong.

It’s a sensitive time all around. Unfortunately , for you to even mention a feeling of yours is triggering for them.

Try not to analyse things too much. You’ve acted in good faith, taking on board the criticisms you’ve received. It obviously hasn’t helped. That shows the criticisms were unfounded.

You’re just a well meaning granny, Mum and MIL caught in the middle of politics. Just sit tight, never mention your feelings, or your opinions. With luck they’ll settle down before too long and start wanting you to babysit etc.

Obviously, empathy isn’t your DIL’s strong point! Hugs.

Sorry but this is plain silly. I was trying to explain we’re all wired up differently. To most people of my age these ‘boundaries ‘ are a kind of mumbo jumbo, which we try to remember , but sometimes ordinary life just gets in the way and we forget.
We don’t understand this social media hysteria. We do our best to remember lists of regulations but sometimes the excitement of a new family member can push them aside.

I think this is abit harsh. I have a 1 year old and both sets of grandparents refer to her as ‘my’ this and that including ‘there’s my baby’ before swooping in for a cuddle. Everyone knows who the parents are. It’s just affection

Oh dear, OP. I think all you can do now is take a step back and give them the space they asked for.

I agree with you in some respects, but can see why your son and DIL are upset about some things. On the one hand, I agree, people are far too precious now - not allowing a loving grandparent to kiss the top of a baby's head?! That sort of behaviour is just outrageously OTT to me. But, I wouldn't want anyone else calling my child their baby. They are not their baby. I also wouldn't want anyone posting photos of my child on social media. It also IS undermining if your DIL is looking after her baby and you tell her the baby looks cold or tired. It implies she isn't caring for her own baby properly and I can see why she'd be offended by that.

Why are postpartum women expected to have more grace than the people who didn’t give birth and that said people wants trump the postpartum woman’s feelings and needs.

Why is their excitement more important than the parents and their newborn?

There are very few instances that I can think of that being excited is a rightful excuse to do what you want and ignore someone’s boundaries about them or their children.

So many seem to ignore how fourth trimester is a rough time for many women and a time where other conditions can come up with little warning. Many women also don’t forget how they were treated during this time. They forgive but they definitely don’t forget and if OP continues she is going to find herself much worse off.

Her apology was not sincere. It wouldn’t have been hard to say “I’m sorry. I disrespected your boundaries and that was wrong. I understand why you are upset and going forward I will respect them and if you need anything from me, I am here.”

Saying it was not my intention when you were told not to post on social media doesn’t comes off as sincere.

Exactly that.

I have a new DGC. We are all finding our way but I do feel that it is important for me to stand back from boundaries.

My own memories of being a new parent are clouded by DPs & DPIL meaning well but overstepping. I had PND which wasnt helped by this.

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2026/may/08/uk-schools-remove-pupils-photos-online-ai-blackmail-threat-grows

Might help you understand some of this “social media hysteria”. There are some nasty, twisted people out there who can access kids photos when they are posted online. If the parents are more aware of the risks, that doesn’t make them hysterical

No, she said she apologised. I bet it was along the lines of “I am sorry that what I did made you feel like…” or “I’m sorry if you were offended by” and not actually taking responsibility for what she has done or how she has overstepped. Even when told she has entrenched into she was right, and it has been taken the wrong way.

Id be very very interested to know the wording of the apology.

I hope you take some time to properly reflect @justme39 . Your DIL's message confirms what many posters on here have guessed may be her feelings. You haven't realised yet that you are neither the victim or the main character of the situation that has arisen.

I am sorry for you and I think you may have jumped in too quickly with apology before you have fully understood what you are apologising for, which is why it is not coming across as genuine. Take a bit more time.

actually i said “i realise i have made mistakes and should not have posted him online or gave him a kiss and i am sorry if i have upset you, that was not my intention” !

Is what OP said.

Agree. And even if the apology was sincere, it’s been only a few hours, DIL has sent back a list of issues suggesting that this is a big big problem to her and cannot be fixed by one or two text messages. OP is now getting upset that her apology wasn’t immediately accepted and all forgiven and forgotten.

clearly these issues matter a lot of DIL and it might take some time and more effort.

do you all really immediately accept a text message as an apology for something you are really upset by?

I remember I once accidentally really upset a friend, it took me a while to fix it but what worked was a phone call where I really properly listened to her side and throughly apologised and committed to understanding her side in future.

I’ve concluded from this thread that it’s either cultural or regional. It’s a complete no no in my world and would raise an eyebrow.

Your DiL and son are hoping that you’ll listen to them, understand their complaints, and change your behaviour. If you’re unable to reflect and grow they may very well go low or no contact with you. It comes across like you don’t respect them and their boundaries and are smothering.

@GnomeDePlume totally agree with this. You sound just like my wonderful MIL. Ironically because she has been so respectful and kind to me in the early years, we have become close and a natural relationship has grown where I ask for advice regularly. So the grand parental wisdom is being passed down as many on this thread are saying should happen. But there has been no pushing and forcing, we have a nice relationship and she has really earned my respect.

I took that to be paraphrased, but regardless, even if it was that exact message it reads as ungenuine is because “I’m sorry if I upset you” isn’t really taking ownership of the behaviour, it’s focusing on the other person’s reaction to it. The word “if” makes it sound like the issue is whether the recipient chose to be upset rather than the fact the actions themselves were hurtful.

A genuine apology usually sounds more like “I’m sorry for what I did” because that directly accepts fault. “Sorry if you were upset” creates distance from responsibility and can come across like the sender is minimising things or trying to soften accountability.

It also shifts the focus onto feelings instead of actions. Instead of fully saying “what I did was wrong,” it reads more like “I’m sorry you felt bad about it.” That’s why people often see wording like that as defensive or insincere.

It sounds like the DIL by listing all the issues wants them to actually be accepted and acknowledged so she doesn’t have to be always on her guard and acting as policeman.

I respect the son, for seeing what is causing the mother of his child stress and upset and backing her and not just making her knuckle under because “it’s my mother”. He sounds like a supportive husband.