aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

Eh?

Yes grandparents should know their place. That means not sticking photos on social media for starters. I mean how and why did you think that was ok? Are you completely out of touch? If you have recently become a grandparent, you are unlikely to be that old nor unaware of issues over consent, children and social media.

You damn well would have known it's a potentially big deal. "Just one photo" isn't ok. They are new parents and they feel vulnerable and you just rode rough shot over that immediately.

You've breached trust. Good luck getting it back. I wouldn't trust you with safeguarding my child.

You are undermining the child 's parents by talking like this. You shouldn't have posted the photos and you should not say 'my baby' if this upsets the real mum.
Seriously, I know a grandmother who is not allowed to see the child because she ignored requests to stop saying'my baby'.

Not to mention that one of the most common complaints on Mumsnet is about MILs expecting their DILs to do the communicating

I’m a DIL with an overbearing MIL (not saying you are) and it’s hard to get the right balance to be honest. My 1st born was very vulnerable, early term section to save both our lives. I’d spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital on constant monitoring with haemorrhaging. I was very anxious.

My MIL seemed to ignore all that and it was about what she wanted. I think MIL’s sometimes forget or ignore the fact that there is also a new mother recovering, who’s learning how to be a mother too.

I had ‘rules’ No kissing his face and wash your hands before holding him until he was a little older and stronger. It’s not put in place to offend you, it’s to protect my child. My MIL took it very badly and expected to be able to do what she wanted because he was her 8th grandchild and I was in the way of that. Add in that I breastfed and I became public enemy number 1. I had months of bitchy comments and weird behaviour from her. I’ll never forgive her and have stepped back. I no longer trust her. But if you asked her, I was the problem. She should have been allowed to have full access to my child whilst I was recovering and I should have known my place as the incubator. It didn’t matter that I nearly died.

The fact you’ve offered help is lovely, but if you’ve already been critical and gone in with “I’ve raised children I know what I’m doing” attitude, that will ruffle some feathers. They don’t fully trust you anymore.

You don’t need to pass comments all the time about the baby looking cold etc, it is undermining. It feels like you’re making little digs. Babies don’t need to wear socks all the time, especially indoors. You’re approaching it with an “I know best” attitude.

You’re not the baby’s mother, so you don’t need to call him “my baby” That is going to make your DIL feel more territorial, especially if the relationship is already damaged.

Just enjoy being a Grandmother. You aren’t the mother or a co-parent. You don’t need to dish out unsolicited advice. Just be present and respectful. It isn’t about you right now. The new parents will relax eventually, but if you continue down this path, you will be held at arms length.

Speak to your son first and clear the air. Personally, if my MIL made any effort to acknowledge her behaviour and the spiteful things she said, I’d forgive her. (No, you’re not even close to what she was like and you’re clearly not intending to be hostile) It generally sounds like you have overstepped without realising and accidentally and there’s been a lack of communication on both sides.

You want what’s best for everyone, but you do need to let go of any resentment you’re feeling too.

See, you were specifically asked not to do something that should be no skin off your nose then are whinging about “your feelings”. Seems to me it’s you who is failing to recognise the feelings of the parents and, potentially the kid. Who gave you the right to be ahead of them?

If you want a good relationship with your grandchild and his parents you should get over yourself as none of the asks you’ve listed here are in any way unreasonable.

@justme39 , sorry this is not going to help you your son and DIL sound batshit but it’s another reminder to me that I am incredibly lucky to have lovely DILs who whilst entirely different from each other embrace and value my husband and I and especially our place in our grandchildren’s lives.
Not much you can do I’m afraid, fighting the madness is futile.

YABU.

They are new parents, mum is going through the fourth trimester, postnatal phase which seems grandmothers completely forget about. Your excitement doesn’t override their boundaries and the way they are choosing to parent at this junction.

I bit my tongue a lot around my mother and MIL and had to constantly remind myself they meant well when internally I wanted to tell them to please stfu, especially when I, myself was a childcare provider for 8 different families, a church, for almost a decade and had been responsible for other family members children, both knew that yet somehow that experience meant nothing to theirs. I followed those families’ rules and different types of parenting, didn’t see any reason not to because they are the parents.

I didn’t need the questions on why I was doing xyz when I was more up to date then they were on babies and young children and am a natural researcher and looked into current advice during my pregnancy. I didn’t need the stories of my MIL stress free labours and joking about my traumatic birth and only showing bare interest in me only after I had a baby and even then it was all about our baby and her experiences, no questions about how I was. She about left me out of my own child’s first family birthday party and it was only because I heard them singing that I knew they were starting.

I didn’t need my mother nagging me about not giving baby a dummy, why I chose to breastfeed, and moaning about me on the phone because I was still slender and her pretty much being annoyed I was doing the opposite of her (nursing, baby wearing, and following the advice of actual medical professionals vs just listening to her) and tbh, being successful in life was basically me choosing to do the opposite of her.

Honestly, talking about it makes my heart race and why the two week, no guests was put in place for DC2 and it was bliss.

I was happy to be able to do things on my own because doing it with them around was me telling them I have this because I do and especially since they both live far away and we don’t have family nearby and with it being just baby and me I have my own routines. It’s exhausting having family who think their experiences from decades ago is law or the only way and you can’t possibly know what you’re doing, or questioning your rules as if you have not thought them through on top of the postpartum period.

Unless they are doing something that is obviously unsafe, leave them to it, they’ll highly likely relax a bit as time goes on. You putting your feelings and wants above them and their baby is not going to make matters better.

You are being unreasonable and overstepping here.

Their child, their rules.

If I were you, I would apologise for the mistake of posting a picture and promise it will never happen again. Also apologise for the kiss. Tell them you have thought about things and feel you have overstepped in the initial excitement and just apologise wholeheartedly.

Then step back and give them space while they figure out life and routine as a family. Its NOT your swim lane and you will damage your relationship with them if you carry on. So if you value that, step back for now and prove to them you have listened.

You were told not to post and you did it anyway? Wow.
If you’d have posted first and then they’d said “actually, we don’t want baby on FB, please take it down” that would be one thing, but to actively ignore them is something else.

Who do you think you are? Why is your right to showing off your grandchild more important than their choice as the parents?

That would seriously piss me off, sorry.

You said “It's entirely normal amongst my friends to share photos of a new grandchild on social media.”

So if it’s entirely normal then being asked not to post would be something that would strike her as unusual, therefore would be memorable.

You’re trying to excuse her going against the parents’ wishes by saying she forgot. She didn’t.

myself was a childcare provider for 8 different families, a church, for almost a decade

Childcare provider for almost 10 years, not that many families for 10 years. 😆

Mumsnet has strange views on grandparents. We either do too little, too much or don’t declutter our houses prior to shuffling off and leaving the inheritance.

Being a grandparent is much more complicated than it used to be and the world is different from our parenting experiences. I find parent-led grandparenting is by far the most frictionless approach - then I can just enjoy being with grandchildren

My phone is on fire as I've just checked with my DD's if I overstep, disrespect or undermine them because I do mention if their babies look too hot or too cold etc, I do call them my boy/girl and they have both laughed in my face and told me to exit the website.

I go with the no kissing rule due to the risk of infection until the mummies say it's ok.

Photograph online, I agree with and never post pictures without parents permission.

“I find parent-led grandparenting is by far the most frictionless approach”

yes because that’s the way it should be. I imagine when you had babies you made the decisions, rather than your parents/PIL.

I find parent-led grandparenting is by far the most frictionless approach - then I can just enjoy being with grandchildren

So doing what the parents have said, not doing what you think and want despite what they have said like OP has done and is complaining about?

That isn't correct. She knew and did it anyway.

That is going to get their backs up and make the 'little' things annoying to them too such as the 'my baby' and telling them baby is cold.

I have 3 DC who are little older now. When I had my first, we saw much more of my parents who then repeatedly ignored our boundaries, criticised our parenting and just generally made me feel judged, low and a bit of a useless mum. My DH parents waited on the sidelines, visited when we invited them and I never heard a word of criticism or judgement from them. They raised 4 of their own children and our child wasn’t their first grandchild and so I’m sure there must’ve been loads of things we did that they thought were daft but they kept it to themselves and were kind and loving.

Because of this we saw more and more of them and less and less of my parents. By the time our 3rd child was born, we were so close to my DH parents that they came and stayed with us for a month straight afterwards. They cared for us, cooked, cleaned and were just so kind and gave us as a family a beautiful postpartum period.

My in-laws obviously have different views of parenting sometimes, they say and do things I disagree with and I’m sure the same is true for them! But we’ve all been respectful and kind to each other. And just to add - the biggest gift my husbands parents have given him is the feeling that they trust him and his judgement (and a huge thing my parents couldn’t or wouldn’t give me!)

Maybe some food for thought!

Right.

Growing up, family members automatically would say ‘what did your mother/father say?’ or ‘your mother/father said this’. I heard this with my other friends too.

I thought that was the norm.

@HisNotHes @phoenixrosehere

Yes - absolutely their child their rules. Any other way creates friction and unpleasantness. That will obviously impact on a grandparents relationship with the whole family. You’d have to lack a significant degree of sensitivity not to realise that.

maxslice posted that they realised they were mistaken and that OP was in the wrong.

Ok, you seemed to be saying that resentfully though, given your first paragraph about how grandparents are viewed.

You are clearly being very unreasonable when you have been given a parameter (no pics on social media, for example) and direction your own wants, you ignored it and then got upset when that was called out.
I suspect they’re being particularly ’rule-based’ with you because they know you are an over-stepper.
Wind your neck in, be kind, do as they ask, and slowly you may regain their trust.
If you don’t, you’re in for years of upset and turmoil.

@HisNotHes what I’m saying is that being a grandparent is complicated and that expectations can vary - navigating those expectations can be tricky

after reading some replies last night i decided to send dil a text saying sorry if id upset her because genuinely none of it was meant badly.

well i honestly wish i hadnt bothered now.

she sent back a massive message basically listing everything ive apparently done wrong since baby was born. things like commenting he looked cold, saying she should rest, asking if she was getting enough support etc. apparently all of that was me criticising her.

she said the facebook photo proved i dont respect boundaries and that i have a pattern of doing what i want and then acting innocent after.

then she said she doesnt trust me alone with baby because she thinks id ignore their rules if i disagreed with them.

ds then text me separately saying they need space and that i need to reflect on why this has happened.

honestly feel completely crushed. never thought my own son would speak to me like this.