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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is rude behaviour from friends?

83 replies

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 10:50

Sounds like a small thing but it really pissed me off!

I have two friends that I often meet up with as a group of 3. We all get on well, no one gets left out, and I like them both. Whenever we meet up for coffee, meals or drinks out, I'm always first to offer to pay for all three of us. I'd say I pay for all three of us more than a third of the time. I feel like I've also been a good friend to the other two in many ways. Both can be quite self absorbed.

On Saturday the three of us went shopping together. We went into a coffee shop to get a drink and something to eat. It was the kind of shop where you queue at the counter, choose your food and then they get it ready for you to take over to your table. I suppose how places like Costa do things too.

My friends were ahead of me in the queue. Friend 1 asked friend 2 what she wanted to eat and drink. The order was then prepared, Friend 1 paid for the two of them then they just grabbed the tray and went off together to a table over the far side of the coffee shop, out of view. There was no asking me if I wanted anything and neither said 'oh we'll just be over there LuLu'. It was as if I wasn't there.

I didn't say anything as it seemed too ridiculous in itself to say something but the more I've thought about it the more I think it was really quite rude of them and inconsiderate. I just ordered and paid for my own drink and then went and found them at their table but of course by the time I got there they were deep in conversation.

Like I said before, it seems like a small thing but it's annoyed me and just seems like they didn't consider me at all.

OP posts:
Somesweetday · 07/05/2026 10:57

I think it's rude to the point of seeming deliberate OP.

You say We all get on well, no one gets left out but you definitely got left out in the situation you describe.

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 10:59

Yes that's a good point @Somesweetday . TBH I did feel a bit left out that day. We went into a shop after getting coffee and they both just went off to look at something together, leaving me browsing and I had no idea until they'd gone off. I had to go around the shop to find them. Was a fucking massive Primark too and they weren't even on my floor!

OP posts:
SilkSilk · 07/05/2026 11:00

You say ‘I like them both’ and ‘we get on well’, but you then describe them as ‘self-absorbed’, reluctant to pay their share, and apparently not that interested in your company. Which is it?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/05/2026 11:01

Rude.

DowntonCrabby · 07/05/2026 11:02

They sound like ignorant assholes, not remotely like they are your friends.

What do you like about them? How have they demonstrated being a good friend to you previously?

I’d cut ties, even after this one incident, it was beyond rude. Flowers

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 11:02

Well, I do like them both, I feel like we do get on well but yes both are quite self absorbed. That doesn't mean I don't still like them though. They're not reluctant to pay their share, I just often offer.

OP posts:
KojaksLollipop · 07/05/2026 11:03

Very rude. Them moving floors without telling you seems deliberate trying to ditch you behaviour. I’m sorry, that’s shit to deal with.

MeAndLicorice · 07/05/2026 11:04

That was definitely rude, and I suspect they’re closer to each other than they are to you. I’d pull back - just don’t suggest meet-ups, if they actually want to spend time with you they’ll get in touch.

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 11:05

DowntonCrabby · 07/05/2026 11:02

They sound like ignorant assholes, not remotely like they are your friends.

What do you like about them? How have they demonstrated being a good friend to you previously?

I’d cut ties, even after this one incident, it was beyond rude. Flowers

Edited

I feel I'd be being a bit dramatic to cut ties after one incident but it's definitely made me more aware of their behaviour and I probably will pull back from the friendships a bit after this, for now anyway.

One in particular is a close friend, but she's become very self absorbed during the past couple of years due to a life event two years ago, and looking back she has just solidly talked about herself to me for two years now.

OP posts:
PoppinjayPolly · 07/05/2026 11:05

Very rude.. how did they end up so far ahead of you and not wait?

SilkSilk · 07/05/2026 11:05

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 11:02

Well, I do like them both, I feel like we do get on well but yes both are quite self absorbed. That doesn't mean I don't still like them though. They're not reluctant to pay their share, I just often offer.

But what you’re describing is a pattern of behaviour, if it happened in the shop as well. You offering to pay, and trailing along trying to find them, while they seem far more focused on one another.

youalright · 07/05/2026 11:06

This is where I like to say loudly yeah don't worry about me I guess il sort myself out.

swqa · 07/05/2026 11:06

Yet another OP who said absolutely nothing at the time and tells Mumsnet instead.

You could've said something OP if they're supposed to be friends.

Somesweetday · 07/05/2026 11:06

I agree with @MeAndLicorice

I would cool the friendship.

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 11:07

I should probably add too that after the shop incident, once I'd found them, I said that I was heading home now and left. I didn't get in contact with either of them after but one of them (the one I'm close, or rather thought I was close to) has messaged me every day since as normal

OP posts:
swqa · 07/05/2026 11:07

youalright · 07/05/2026 11:06

This is where I like to say loudly yeah don't worry about me I guess il sort myself out.

Exactly!

A tiny bit of sarcasm can go a long way and often makes people realise when they're being ignorant.

swqa · 07/05/2026 11:08

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 11:07

I should probably add too that after the shop incident, once I'd found them, I said that I was heading home now and left. I didn't get in contact with either of them after but one of them (the one I'm close, or rather thought I was close to) has messaged me every day since as normal

So you've had a chance every day to say something about this?

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 11:08

swqa · 07/05/2026 11:06

Yet another OP who said absolutely nothing at the time and tells Mumsnet instead.

You could've said something OP if they're supposed to be friends.

I could have said something yes. And I'm not someone who shies away from confrontation. However, both incidents seemed too small to make a fuss over. What could I have said 'You paid for her and not me!'?

OP posts:
LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 11:09

youalright · 07/05/2026 11:06

This is where I like to say loudly yeah don't worry about me I guess il sort myself out.

Ha! Yes I should have said this!

OP posts:
swqa · 07/05/2026 11:10

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 11:08

I could have said something yes. And I'm not someone who shies away from confrontation. However, both incidents seemed too small to make a fuss over. What could I have said 'You paid for her and not me!'?

"Oh I'll just get my own, shall I?"

"Why didn't you two let me know you were going to a different floor?"

Anything really.

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 11:12

I suppose I also held back from saying something as it would have cast a bit of a shadow over the trip, and maybe I intially gave them the benefit of the doubt.

I agree though, I should have said something!

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/05/2026 11:17

When I’ve met up with a friend and her friend at no time did they do this to me eg wander off. Food, we usually got our own but got each other coffees.

DanaScullysLegoHair · 07/05/2026 11:26

Are you sure they aren't using you? It seems odd that they were ahead of you in the queue and you were last, you hadn't offered to pay this time so one paid for the other and didn't turn to ask you what you'd like?

I can imagine if you were first in the queue they would have fully expected you to be asking them what they wanted AND pay for it too.

It sounds like they consider themselves their own 'group' and you tag along because you're 'useful'.

Sorry if that sounds cynical and harsh but that does seem likely to me.

Just don't bother with them. Real friends don't exclude 1 of 3 in a group from anything and certainly don't wander off together and leave the other behind!

Slightyamusedandsilly · 07/05/2026 11:28

If you go out with them again and they do this, I'd just wander off (and leave) and then if they bring it up, say, oh, I did look but couldn't find you. I thought you'd left without me.

Put less energy into them. The way they do with you. Next time get your own drink, not theirs. Or engineer being at the end and seeing if they do it again. And if they do, leave.

It might be easier than having to confront about it.

WinterBlues26 · 07/05/2026 11:29

I don't think you have to do anything at the moment but I would certainly adopt a watch and wait approach and see if it happens again/how often. If it keeps happening then they are not your friends.

Stop offering to pay so often. Maybe only offer fir a hot drink but once they have food/cake everyone pays for their own.