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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is rude behaviour from friends?

83 replies

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 10:50

Sounds like a small thing but it really pissed me off!

I have two friends that I often meet up with as a group of 3. We all get on well, no one gets left out, and I like them both. Whenever we meet up for coffee, meals or drinks out, I'm always first to offer to pay for all three of us. I'd say I pay for all three of us more than a third of the time. I feel like I've also been a good friend to the other two in many ways. Both can be quite self absorbed.

On Saturday the three of us went shopping together. We went into a coffee shop to get a drink and something to eat. It was the kind of shop where you queue at the counter, choose your food and then they get it ready for you to take over to your table. I suppose how places like Costa do things too.

My friends were ahead of me in the queue. Friend 1 asked friend 2 what she wanted to eat and drink. The order was then prepared, Friend 1 paid for the two of them then they just grabbed the tray and went off together to a table over the far side of the coffee shop, out of view. There was no asking me if I wanted anything and neither said 'oh we'll just be over there LuLu'. It was as if I wasn't there.

I didn't say anything as it seemed too ridiculous in itself to say something but the more I've thought about it the more I think it was really quite rude of them and inconsiderate. I just ordered and paid for my own drink and then went and found them at their table but of course by the time I got there they were deep in conversation.

Like I said before, it seems like a small thing but it's annoyed me and just seems like they didn't consider me at all.

OP posts:
raisinglittlepeople12 · 07/05/2026 16:53

That’s really disappointing, I’m sorry that happened. Might be time to shift focus to other friends

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/05/2026 16:55

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 11:56

Well this is what I was thinking tbh.

Looking back over the friendships realistically over the past couple of years, the one I'm closest so has made full 'use' of me and my friendship but given very little back. Things like her car broke down one night, she phoned me as was stranded. It was a really cold icy dark night and I drove half an hour to her, only to barely get a thank you and no offer of any fuel money. And to make things worse she then phoned another friend during the journey back to her house, giggling and laughing away to her whilst I drove her like a chauffeur.

I think I've glossed over or ignored red flags in the last year or so with both of them so the drinks/shop thing is probably the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

Just spotted this one about the rescue lift on a dark icy night where she treated you like a chauffeur. And that you were standing directly behind them where they ordered and paid and left you to fend for yourself..

I think you made the right decision to step back from these two users OP. You deserve better treatment.

Also when something like that happens, its hurtful and its hard to find the right thing to say in the moment. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of telling them you are stepping back and why.. I'd just let them wonder and have a good slingshot comment ready if they ever do bring it up. In the meantime, see more of your other friends instead, you'll probably find it more satisfying and less of a hit on your confidence.

Gingercatlover · 07/05/2026 16:58

swqa · 07/05/2026 11:06

Yet another OP who said absolutely nothing at the time and tells Mumsnet instead.

You could've said something OP if they're supposed to be friends.

Not everyone finds these things easy if they did, there would be no need for help forums.

AngryHerring · 07/05/2026 16:58

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 07/05/2026 11:02

Well, I do like them both, I feel like we do get on well but yes both are quite self absorbed. That doesn't mean I don't still like them though. They're not reluctant to pay their share, I just often offer.

Well now you know you aren't a friend in their eyes.

Stop offering to pay. In fact next time make sure they are in front of you and then... leave.

Retiringplans · 07/05/2026 23:13

Just a quick thought, who was it who actually paid the closer friend or not - for me it implies a different intent according to who it was

LuLuLemonadeDrinker · 08/05/2026 12:59

Retiringplans · 07/05/2026 23:13

Just a quick thought, who was it who actually paid the closer friend or not - for me it implies a different intent according to who it was

No it was the friend I’m not as close to

OP posts:
Retiringplans · 08/05/2026 19:52

Then a thought I have is that your closer friend may not be happy about the actions of the one who paid & maybe they are uncomfortable but don't want to make a fuss or feel awkward about it in the moment - without having a conversation with the closer friend you don't know what the 3rd person is saying.
I suppose the other thing that is impossible to know is whether the 3rd friend also directed shopping incident & maybe they are trying to isolate you.
If so it's all very bitchy teen girl behaviour on her part & to looks like she might be trying to drive a wedge between yourself & the friend you are closer to. The fact the closer friend is messaging you as normal would in my opinion seem to support this.
This is just my opinion & without talking to closer friend you will never know - just some thoughts & I know this goes against some of the flow - but they are 2 different people & you don't have to deal with both in the same way

Moonnstarz · 08/05/2026 19:55

Is there the possibility the other two meet up without you and that they had their own payment agreement between them where the one who paid this time was returning the favour of the one who paid last time.

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