To think this is rude behaviour from friends?

[LuLuLemonadeDrinker]

Sounds like a small thing but it really pissed me off!

I have two friends that I often meet up with as a group of 3. We all get on well, no one gets left out, and I like them both. Whenever we meet up for coffee, meals or drinks out, I'm always first to offer to pay for all three of us. I'd say I pay for all three of us more than a third of the time. I feel like I've also been a good friend to the other two in many ways. Both can be quite self absorbed.

On Saturday the three of us went shopping together. We went into a coffee shop to get a drink and something to eat. It was the kind of shop where you queue at the counter, choose your food and then they get it ready for you to take over to your table. I suppose how places like Costa do things too.

My friends were ahead of me in the queue. Friend 1 asked friend 2 what she wanted to eat and drink. The order was then prepared, Friend 1 paid for the two of them then they just grabbed the tray and went off together to a table over the far side of the coffee shop, out of view. There was no asking me if I wanted anything and neither said 'oh we'll just be over there LuLu'. It was as if I wasn't there.

I didn't say anything as it seemed too ridiculous in itself to say something but the more I've thought about it the more I think it was really quite rude of them and inconsiderate. I just ordered and paid for my own drink and then went and found them at their table but of course by the time I got there they were deep in conversation.

Like I said before, it seems like a small thing but it's annoyed me and just seems like they didn't consider me at all.

Why do you keep offering to pay, sounds like you're trying to buy their friendship, which by the sounds of it isn't as close as the one between the two of them

Let them know how it made you feel. They are not your friends clearly. Find new ones.

That is definitely rude. Friends don't behave that way
I'd stop offering to pay for things and just get my own for a bit, as PP said, or try and behind them in the queue. They're not nice to you
Hope you find someone better to spend your time with!

They are users and this friend has probably realised taken it too obvious this time so is reeling you back in with her chat..
how did you travel there and meet up?
who suggested the catch up?

We all travelled separately. One of them suggested the meet up.

They sound like blood suckers who will drain but not pour back into the relationship with you. They sound like poor friends at this moment.

It sounds like a good time to pour your energy into other people or connections not directly or too closely associated with them. It's probably too late to raise anything and you wouldn't get the answer you'd like I believe. I would truly back right off now. Be less available to the constant messages. It's not fair on you.

Thanks for the replies so far, everyone! Much appreciated. I'd already come to the conclusion to pull back from them so all of your replies have confirmed that I'm doing he right thing by doing that. I see so many posts on MN overall where people are dubbed as "hard work" for being offended at a perceived slight from a friend. I'd say overall I am pretty easy going, and I know I've been such a good friend to the two of them. I've helped them both in the last couple of years with practical things such as a house move for one of them, and picking up another when her car broke down. But I won't be doing anything like that again for them. Nor will I be meeting up with the two of them in a group of three again.

TBH I might tell the one I'm supposedly close to how annoyed I was when I next see her (she will need to make the effort to come to my house though next time I see her!)

can almost guarantee you that if you do tell her how annoyed you were, she will feign disbelief and offence, and you’ll probably just give her and the other woman fodder to talk about you with.

And if you had, it might well have cleared the air, or given them a chance to apologise, or say that one of them had something sensitive going on she yet wasn’t ready to share with you etc etc — whereas now you’re drawing back from a pair of friendships you seem to value. Wouldn’t it have been worth casting a tiny shadow to avoid this?

If it was just the food I’d think maybe one owed the other for a previous meal so was paying this time but it seems more than that. If you feel these were too small to mention perhaps one more chance but only you know if you are prolonging the inevitable end .

Sadly I agree. It sounds like they are good friends as a pair and you’re a bit on the outside.

What they did at the coffee shop was downright rude.

I would find that very rude and hurtful too! I am disabled and walk much slower than my friends, hence they often go out together despite inviting me along and when I’ve assessed the destination I frequently turn down the invite. When we do all go together, one of them always carries my food tray/drink etc and we always sort out the payment fairly…….if one has just a coffee and the others have coffee with cake then we pay for what we have individually had. No one carries the bill for the rest.

OP friends don’t sound very kind to me and TBH I’d be stepping away from them

On the face of it, yes it sounds rude. Were they friendly the rest of the time though? Was this the only incident where you felt excluded? Or was it the whole time you were together?

If they were normal and friendly the rest of the time, could it be a more innocent explanation- perhaps one of them owed the other one money and instead of paying it back she said “oh just get me lunch when we’re out” or some situation like that. If they were completely normal and nice in all other respects then I would give the benefit of the doubt in this instance, but I would definitely stop treating them to lunch going forward.

That sounds like the last time I met up with my 2 sisters, only it was the other way round - they were so much in their own little bubble I left them to it, did my own thing & only really met up with them to kiss them goodbye “til next time”.

It seems to have been a big success as they keep asking me when we’re going to get together again 🤷‍♀️

OP, don’t brood on it - try again, it might have been a one-off. On this occasion the dynamic favoured two of you, not all three.

Well this is what I was thinking tbh.

Looking back over the friendships realistically over the past couple of years, the one I'm closest so has made full 'use' of me and my friendship but given very little back. Things like her car broke down one night, she phoned me as was stranded. It was a really cold icy dark night and I drove half an hour to her, only to barely get a thank you and no offer of any fuel money. And to make things worse she then phoned another friend during the journey back to her house, giggling and laughing away to her whilst I drove her like a chauffeur.

I think I've glossed over or ignored red flags in the last year or so with both of them so the drinks/shop thing is probably the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

Op, they are trying to ditch you. Can't you see that? They are literally acting like you aren't present, like girls used to do in primary school. They're not even using you to pay for their drinks at this point - they're literally blanking you and freezing you out.

I know you say you like them, in spite of this. I just don't understand why. You have the patience of a saint.

ETA that I've just seen the car update. I had a cousin EXACTLY like this. She'd call me to talk about herself relentlessly, then she'd make another call while still on ours and put me on hold! And a lot of other stuff. I did eventually ditch her when I almost died from blood loss a decade ago, and she didn't once call me or check in on me (her mother did but not a word from her.)

What would these women do if YOU needed a night time lift, to borrow money, etc.?

Yep they probably are. Oh well, I've got in there and ditched them now. Like I mentioned up thread, I won't be getting in contact with them, making any effort or ever meeting up as a three with them again.

Luckily I have other friends so I'll just spend time and energy with them instead.

They already cast a shadow over the trip. If you don't want to end the friendships I would just be more aware of their behaviour from now on and call them up on anything you consider bad mannered. Don’t be too eager to offer to pay either, see where that goes.

The car friend sounds awful. Maybe you should ditch them.

Sounds like a good decision. They sound like users.

I can imagine why you didn't say anything at the time. It can be a bit of a jolt when this happens - was it really meant that way? What just happened?
And I think if you bring it up with them after they won't have done anything wrong, you are reading too much into it.
I'd start pulling back. Don't be as available.
Sorry, it's pretty shit of them.

if you were together, how did you end up so far behind them in the queue? wondering if something happened before the coffee shop

This is silly, OP. You’ve done that classic people pleaser-thing and seethed in silence for years, never saying ‘That was rude’ or responding in such a way that meant there were consequences for their actions, despite saying one of these people is a close friend. And now you’ve blown up and are withdrawing from two friendships, still without actually saying anything to those involved.

Don’t get me wrong, they didn’t behave well in the instances you describe, but I think you need to take some responsibility for this, too. Why did you never say anything, and keep paying for things, giving emergency lifts, helping with house moves, when you felt the other people were exploiting you?

I was behind them in the queue. Standing right next to them.

Has nobody typed 'two's company, three's a crowd' yet? YANBU they were very rude.

Yep you're right, I have done the classic people pleaser thing. I can't change the past though. I suppose I was trying to be a good friend.