To think this is rude behaviour from friends?

[LuLuLemonadeDrinker]

Sounds like a small thing but it really pissed me off!

I have two friends that I often meet up with as a group of 3. We all get on well, no one gets left out, and I like them both. Whenever we meet up for coffee, meals or drinks out, I'm always first to offer to pay for all three of us. I'd say I pay for all three of us more than a third of the time. I feel like I've also been a good friend to the other two in many ways. Both can be quite self absorbed.

On Saturday the three of us went shopping together. We went into a coffee shop to get a drink and something to eat. It was the kind of shop where you queue at the counter, choose your food and then they get it ready for you to take over to your table. I suppose how places like Costa do things too.

My friends were ahead of me in the queue. Friend 1 asked friend 2 what she wanted to eat and drink. The order was then prepared, Friend 1 paid for the two of them then they just grabbed the tray and went off together to a table over the far side of the coffee shop, out of view. There was no asking me if I wanted anything and neither said 'oh we'll just be over there LuLu'. It was as if I wasn't there.

I didn't say anything as it seemed too ridiculous in itself to say something but the more I've thought about it the more I think it was really quite rude of them and inconsiderate. I just ordered and paid for my own drink and then went and found them at their table but of course by the time I got there they were deep in conversation.

Like I said before, it seems like a small thing but it's annoyed me and just seems like they didn't consider me at all.

@swqa "Yet another OP who said absolutely nothing at the time and tells Mumsnet instead."

I'm no shrinking violet but there are times when I've been too upset to say something or just so taken aback that the moment slides away. I suspect this applies to a hell of a lot of other people too. It's called being human. And if women weren't supposed to turn to Mumsnet to vent or ask for advice, then most of the forum would collapse.

Yes, this exactly! I was a bit lost for words at the time, trying to get it straight in my mind in a kind of 'did this just happen?' kind of way. It's really not easy to just speak up and say things sometimes without appearing confrontational, and tbh for my own mental peace I often can't be arsed with confrontation as it just causes drama

100% this.

It is really crappy for you OP, I'd feel sad and annoyed but just get on with doing other things now. It doesn't sound like you'll be missing out on much.

Edited to add that I just read your other updates. You're already stepping off, good on you 🙂

That’s even worse. I thought they were several
people ahead of you, but in front? So rude.

No-one said they're not supposed to turn to Mumsnet for advice.

But it's no subsitute for adults actually speaking to what are after all, their actual friends.

Well, in future, in your other friendships, don’t lose a focus on your own needs and healthy reciprocity etc. Don’t let minor resentments build till they blow up, as here. If you feel something is off, take that feeling seriously, think about it, and act accordingly. The more you value yourself, the more others will.

Well done OP. Good decision to pull right back and not meet them as a three again.

Sometimes it takes incidents like these for the scales to fall from your eyes and to see a situation for what it is.

It's so liberating to take back control and decide what's right for you. You can't control their behaviour, but you can control yours. No more people-pleasing for you!

Good on you, and enjoy your other friendships away from these two.

You need to stop offering to pay for things so often. Nothing good ever comes from it.

Yes scales falling from the eyes is a good way of describing it!

I think I’ve probably made excuses for them, to myself, thinking it was because of what one of them was dealing with in her life, and the other has always been a self absorbed person out for herself anyway.

That's awful. And goes to show the more generous you are, the more people will take advantage.

Like they deluded themselves that you love paying for other people but they know their priorities lied with supporting eachother. Assuming you can look after yourself and of course you don't expect reciprocation for your generosity. Like just see how far they can push.

Congratulations, you're free! What a pair of users.

Very horrible. They are not nice to you OP.
Let them get on with themselves. They can pay for each other.
Find other people who are nicer.

Yeah, I'd probably stop hanging round with these people, as I'd feel like a third wheel. They're being rude and unkind. You deserve better.

I developed people pleasing as a strategy to survive my childhood. I can totally understand why you didn’t feel able to mention anything at the time. I’ve managed to drop a lot of my people pleasing ways but it comes back up when I feel threatened. The thing is there are lovely people out there that don’t take advantage of you - most of my close friends have had difficult childhoods too. We had to agree to always pay for ourselves and we all were happy to be the one who paid more but not the one who paid less.
I wasted decades trying to find the right words to get my in-laws to stop being shitty to me. No words would have ever worked. Someone suggested we scored them instead and that worked a treat.

I don’t know what op’s life had been but people pleasing is a coping strategy not a personality. There is particularly difficulty when your only source of safety as a child (eg your parents) is also the source of significant harm. It leaves you with a lifelong desire to work harder to make people who treat you badly love you more. Then you look back with hindsight and think why did I put up with that!

In the circumstances you describe, I wouldn’t say a word to them. I would be friendly by text and in person but just be ever so busy.

While all that is absolutely true, it's a survival strategy you need to learn to discard in adulthood.

You are picking up on something that is real but it sounds as if they are being a bit careless with you. You sound easy going and generous and maybe thought that would be reciprocated but often people start to take it for granted and that appears to be what is happening here.

You don't need to do anything dramatic - just start pulling back a bit, definitely don't offer to pay, maybe don't suggest meet ups if that is usually you that does that. Start to invest some of your energy in other friendships or new things. You might find that the friend who is closer to you picks up the signals from you and starts to treat you with a bit more thought? I hope so but if not you'd be investing elsewhere anyway.

Out of interest was it the friend who you are not as close to who paid for your closer friend but not you? If so, she could be insecure and just making sure she isn't the third wheel or maybe she wants to be better friends with the other girl and not as friendly with you?

I've ditched peeps in the past for less, can't be doing with rude, ignorant people or idiots no matter who they are.

Totally agree.

I don’t think people stand there and think, you know what, I won’t say anything now I’ll make a thread about it on MN later instead. Sometimes a thread is made because something wasn’t said and sometimes it’s made because something was said. It’s become a bit of a trope now to say why didn’t you say something then instead of going on MN.

Threes a crowd as the saying goes . I think you were left out purposely or not but I think that ships sailed as you didn’t say anything at the time . Either cool it off with them and if asked why speak up or expect it to happen again

I am one of three sisters and I have always avoided going out as part of a trio either with my siblings or friends.

Three can be a crowd but as I stated here when I met my friend and her friend (at Westfield Stratford and Canary Wharf shopping centres) we were all adult enough not to run off from one of the women. That’s rude.

Oh dear re the lift. Well I’d have no problem in ditching her without a second thought.

I think I'd be re-assessing the friendships. I wouldn't cut them off but I certainly would never offer to pay for them again. I'd also be unavailable if they needed help, I wouldn't be rude about it but give some "I'm so sorry, I've had some wine so can't drive" or whatever. Slow fade I think!

I think @SilkSilk is right.

I completely understand that it would have felt over the top to say, Oi, arent you going to pay for ME! in the cafe... on the surface it seems like a small incident... but it is a pattern.. and now you are starting to see it.

They topped it off with wandering off without you to the other floor of a huge shop and either didn't notice or weren't bothered enough to come and find you... they knew you'd come to find them.

They take it as read that you will pay, and never think of paying you back to the same extent. You are generous and they know they can take advantage and that you won't say anything. There is something very distasteful about people who do that, I would say that you are their friend, but they are not really your friends.

I think hanging out with these two, who clearly think they are more important than you, is going to slowly erode your confidence. They make themselves feel better by having someone tagging along that they don't see as their equal. I wouldn't continue to let them think that. Now that you are recognising the pattern I think it would start to become depressing to think about hanging out with them, although I know it feels difficult dropping a friendship.

Maybe it would feel a bit dramatic to make a statement about it... But it's not that dramatic if its true is it?

One of them, the one you are slightly closer to, has been messaging you daily, as if nothing has happened, so it seems like she's picked up on the fact that you are upset. But its hard to change established patterns. And it comes across to me as if she's realised something's up and is trying to keep you sweet.

Seriously think about getting out and about and investing more time in other or new friendships. You sound like a kind and considerate person that anyone would be glad to have as a friend, they sound exploitative.