To think DM is taking advantage

[incognito1991]

I’m not entirely sure here as I do offer help in any way I can, I would always go out of my way to help but I also feel a little taken advantage of. DM car has been in the garage for 2 weeks now, I of course offered to help in anyway I can which usually involves me spending the entire day with her as she says oh let’s get a coffee, come to mine for a while etc. perfectly fine if I’m not busy I don’t mind. On Friday my DM has a club she goes to, it is 2 miles away from her home, it would take maybe 10-15 minutes on the bus, I live a 25-30 minute drive from her and she hasn’t asked but expects me to take her, wait around an hour and take her home, I will do it regardless but I can’t help feel abit annoyed, DM is 50 so not elderly she just doesn’t want to take public transport, again on Saturday which is my DH only day off this week, she wants me to take her other hobby, wait for 2 hours and then take her shopping, again I will do it but I just want others opinions. To add also, when I had DD I wasn’t driving and she did help with a lift home if I was there in the afternoon but never came out of her way to help take me anywhere.

She's fifty?!!!! JFC!

I said you’re being unreasonable as you’re such a pushover

🙄

Wow aren't you a treat.

As are you.

She’s 50! She can bloody jog there.

What about when she's 70? Or 80? At the moment she can but doesn't want to, there will come a time when she may well need help but it's not now. Stand up to her, you're making a rod for your own back.

Your sister has wised up!

She can always get a taxi! Or not do the activities.

Having plans with your husband is a perfectly valid reason for not giving her a lift.

People with disabilities do get the bus

I would genuinely like to know this too, I am and always have been a people pleaser, can’t say no even if it means making my own life more difficult, no idea why

How have you reached this point? You should have shown your life to be totally empty of anything else if she thinks you are dying to be her driver

There’s always one

There are no prizes in store for those who sacrifice themselves. Be kind to her sure- but don’t neglect your DH and own wellbeing .

I’m mid 70’s and I would walk the 2 miles!

Depend ing on the type of disability and the style of bus. Some people can't cope with a bus journey.

Oh @incognito1991 I can relate, to an extent, but not when my DM was 50.

DM, by ‘default, because she was the only daughter in spitting distance, effectively ended up being carers for my DGF (whilst DGM was alive (both aged)), because DGM (cantankerous old cow - her own words) used to get so stressed with administering DGF medication and worried she would have given him an overdose (morphine), that DM took it on herself to do that. But the stress was unbearable on her (and me, being her soundboard), not to mention the months of inadvertent care, and it has truly had a lasting effect.

It’s bloody tough, I know, and simple for those outside of your sphere to tell you to grow a pair, blah blah blah, easier said than done. However, an honest conversation and boundaries need to be set regardless. I’ve had those kind of conversations with DM, who is adamant of her independence, not wanting to put me through (cos it will/would be me) the same experience she had, but when push comes to shove, what do you do, unless you put your big girl pants on and broach the conversation now, sooner rather than later?

I'm 50...I could run the distance she has to get a bus. She does not need you.

Your sister doesn’t have excuse, she’s wise enough not to be your mums lackey. Nip this in the bud, she’s 50, do you want another 40 years of this??

You need to put you and your DH first. Do you want you marriage to fail? Because that’s what’ll happen if you carry on with this nonsense. Your DM is 50! I’m way older than your DM and am perfectly capable of getting myself from A to B without bothering anyone else. I suspect she is too. She’s just taking the piss. Hoe dare she encroach on your family time in this way! I thought you were going to say she was 85!

I voted YABU because you say you're going to do it anyway. She's only 50!
She has you on the end of a piece of string. All you have to do is have something else to do!

You need to get a bit of backbone.
if it’s annoying you but you still do it that’s plain crazy. The resentment in you will eat you up if you don’t learn to take care of yourself. Find an Assertiveness Class. In the meantime if you can’t say No. then make up an excuse.

The sooner you learn to stand up for yourself and say no, the less (self imposed) guilt you will feel.

My 75 yr old mum wouldn’t expect this. I’m your circumstances If I was feeling generous I’d offer to drop her off pick her up but I would t be wasting hour hanging about so she doesn’t have to get the bus.
public transport isn’t my first choice but I use it when I have to, I certainly don’t expect anyone to run after me

My DH is 20 years older than your DM and would either walk, cycle or not go. Neither of us would dream of putting our DC out like this and we are much older than your DM. What on earth is wrong with her car?!

If you’re going to do it anyway, why ask!?