To think DM is taking advantage

[incognito1991]

I’m not entirely sure here as I do offer help in any way I can, I would always go out of my way to help but I also feel a little taken advantage of. DM car has been in the garage for 2 weeks now, I of course offered to help in anyway I can which usually involves me spending the entire day with her as she says oh let’s get a coffee, come to mine for a while etc. perfectly fine if I’m not busy I don’t mind. On Friday my DM has a club she goes to, it is 2 miles away from her home, it would take maybe 10-15 minutes on the bus, I live a 25-30 minute drive from her and she hasn’t asked but expects me to take her, wait around an hour and take her home, I will do it regardless but I can’t help feel abit annoyed, DM is 50 so not elderly she just doesn’t want to take public transport, again on Saturday which is my DH only day off this week, she wants me to take her other hobby, wait for 2 hours and then take her shopping, again I will do it but I just want others opinions. To add also, when I had DD I wasn’t driving and she did help with a lift home if I was there in the afternoon but never came out of her way to help take me anywhere.

Grow a backbone and tell her no.

Stop being a martyr.

Maybe think of it as letting your DH down if you spoil what could've been your only day together this week, if that makes it easier to say no. Your mum could walk, at least one way back home so that you didn't have to wait around, get the bus/train or get a taxi/Uber.

50?!! Fuck me. I love nothing more than being a bus wanker and not having to drive myself somewhere sitting in endless traffic. Your mum is taking the piss. You need to be less available.

At the end of the day - and I don't mean this snarkily, just factually - you need to decide which matters more to you: not saying no/not feeling bad or your time/energy

But she doesn’t need your help! Especially when it puts you out so massively! She’s not old, disabled, ill or lonely so just say NO! Or if that’s too much say you can only do either the drop off or the pick up.

How is this comment helpful?

Same here, I happily took my mum places she needed to go but she was equally happy to get a taxi or bus if I wasn’t available.

There's always someone like this on every mother thread!

I'd think taking her to something urgent, like a medical appointment or maybe to get the car when it's ready might be reasonable, but she doesn't need to go to the clubs and public transport is there so you don't need to spend all day running around after her

But she is 50, you don't say she is unfit or disabled so why would she be needing so much help that she is complaining about your sister not being at her beck and call? It sounds like your mother is a lazy so and so and complains about your sister to condition you to not want her to talk about you like that.... your mother is a manipulative git..... say no next time, you have plans to be with your husband.

50! I thought you were going to say she’s 85.
Doesn’t she work? Don’t you work. I’m older than her and no I wouldn’t expect to be chauffeured everywhere.
She can get bus or ask one of her club friends for a lift or just miss.

I could really do with about £10,000, promise I'd give it back...

Tell her you have plans. If she moans just ligjtheartedly say "oh you'll manage fine, I took the bus alone with a newborn in a bulky pram plenty of times". Might subtly drive your point across.

Oh gosh, im 60 and still go out my way to help my kids. They'd never do it for me lol. As lovely as it is for you to do it. Say you can't on Saturday. She can get to het club by foot, taxi or bus. Same with shopping. Get it delivered. Alot of folk on here have young children at 50. Sorry but just say you cannot do Saturday.

Man up and say no! Are you going to do this for the next 35 years?!

When does she get her car back?

Unless there’s a massive drip feed she’s got significant disabilities etc then she’s an adult capable of cracking on with her life. If she’s bored get a job, volunteer etc it’s not for you to keep her company constantly. There’s a big difference between helping out as a one off eg lift to garage to pick up car and being a doormat. Sounds like your sister has right idea.

Start practicing now.

Stop setting her up with unrealistic expectations as she may end up completely dependent on you and you alone when she is older or has health issues...
It's fine to say you're busy with the kids or dh.. especially on the weekend! Maybe text her to practice

"Hi mum how's things. What's your plans this weekend? Me and dh/the kids are busy Saturday but would love to see you Sunday? I can swing by and take us all out to the shops and then for coffee at garden centre. If that doesn't work I'll see you Monday as usual. X"

Invent some class parties or something
It's beneficial for her to be more independent. Yes she may be annoyed and you may feel guilty but it will pass. And she will gain experience with uber or tapping on and tapping off a bus quickly.
But if you don't do it now you will be stuck forever as her slave !! And I may be wrong but i bet she sure loves sister too and is full of excuses for her!

How about you, your mom or dh get ringing the garage everyday in the morning asking about timelines and bothering them now, two weeks seems like it's taking the piss! If you don't bother them sometimes they think they can take their time.

If you don’t want to say no to taking her to her hobbies, then simply stop popping in for a coffee or spending the entire day with her.

I thought you meant your dm was in her 70s. She’s 50!!! Younger than me! I do have a lot of health problems but even so I would get the bus, a taxi, not attend if necessary and do my grocery shop online.

no you don’t need to be doing any of this for her, she shouldn’t even have asked.

as for her car why has it been at the garage so long?

I’d personally say you aren’t free either day but you will feel bad. So say you can do Friday and she can grab a bag of food at the same time but you are spending Saturday with your DH.

Say no!!!

50 is no age. I’m 47 and really don’t think of myself as “getting on” or someone who would need lifts to places where there’s a perfectly good bus.

You don’t have to agree to these things just because she expects them. She hadn’t even asked but if she does, say no! It’s ludicrous.

You shouldn’t have to go further out of your way to take her than the time the bus route would take her - it’s wildly disproportionate to take hours out of your day (what with the waiting about) to save her a 10-15 min bus ride.

Everyone is saying the save thing OP, your mum can figure out our for herself, at least she could get a taxi, but equally she could walk.
Either way, you need to say no and stop being so passive. Especially when it impacts your poor DH. Doesn’t he count for anything?

And why the duck isn't your DM working?

I’m in my 50’s and disabled yet I wouldn’t dream of putting my DC out like that. I care for my DM in her 80’s and today I asked her if she wanted me to take her to something tomorrow after I finish work tomorrow, she declined as it was unnecessary. You need to start saying no to her now and prioritise yourself or in 30 years time your life will be hell.