AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

[Pinkmondays]

Trying to keep this as short as possible, is the following - in your opinion - adequate time with family (we have 3 sets of grandparents). There's me, DH and our son.

-Grandparents 1- live 5 mins drive away..we see them on average every other week, sometimes more.
-Grandparents 2: live an hour's drive away, we see them once a month for a full Sunday usually

• Grandparents 3: live a 2 hour flight away. We see them at least every 2-3 months for a week, and the whole summer holidays plus every Christmas.

Is this fair? I'm asking because grandparents 2 make noises about not seeing us enough!

I imagine your child is quite young so at some point you’ll spend more time in his home as he’ll have friends and activities and such. So at some point it will change anyway.

Really theres no way to make this fair but it seems really sad in some ways for your in-laws. Why don’t your parents visit you here sometimes? I do think having Christmas away every single year when in an international marriage is unfair - surely your in-laws deserve Christmas sometimes. Could you host and invite them all to you?

Thinking my parents and my in-laws live around 10 minutes apart.

My parents do things with the children that means the children want to see them. They will sit and listen to their endless rambles about their interests.

My in-laws however only invite to big family
look how lovely we are all are. Very much a show. They just lecture and then ignore.

So if I said to my children hey kids we are going on your dream holiday but you have to invite nanny and grandad Joan or nanny and grandad Jonah.

They would invite nanny and grandad Joan. Even though nanny and grandad Jonah are the richer grandparents. However they put in no effort.

😂😂😂wow, this is hilarious. I never use chat got. I did it in a bullet point order to get the point across quickly..

If grandparents 2 are your in laws, I'd encourage your husband to visit on his own. If he isn't keen then I'd just accept that you can't please everyone and with three sets of parents to accommodate, you're doing your best. Otherwise you'll go mad trying to please everyone.

I actually do a big Christmas bash for both sides of the in laws every year the weekend before we go. I also invited them all over at Easter and we all had a great day. If we don't go over to my parents at Christmas it's then difficult as I won't be able to go again till the next half term.

@Pinkmondays do your parents think the split is fair?

Ignore people who are triggered.

It all depends on where they live, the relationships they have with you as their respective child (or child in law) and whether there is some other factor - childcare, getting a holiday, learning the language etc.

Once a month is fine and it’s not for you to worry. If the son is not bothered you should not be either. Ignore any comments or direct to your partner!!

Honestly OP, you really don’t need this thread. You sound a lovely DIL who cares, maybe too much. It’s your DH responsibility to worry about this. If he’s not then keep doing what you’re doing. Do not reduce contact with your parents out of guilt - it’s a lovely thing for your children to have that bond with their GPs overseas and learn the language!

It depends on what kind of contact is being offered by OP’s in-laws. Are they inviting her round and coming up with ideas and dates to meet? Or expecting OP to offer dates and always host at hers (as mine do?) If it is closer to the latter, I can well understand why OP isn’t inclined to do more of this, especially as her husband doesn’t seem bothered. Visiting OP’s family at their house will be a partial rest for her as she is presumably being hosted and having proper help with childcare. That’s very different to scrubbing the house, buying in ingredients for a roast and hosting one’s in-laws on top of looking after a young child and possibly also working.

Who cares? This is not OPs problem. It’s her husbands responsibility to carve out time for his family not OPs or her parents to worry about

Aww thank you so much for your lovely reply! I'll heed your advice and I think I'll accept that whilst I can't please everyone all the time, we're doing our best. We also have cricket season to contend with at the moment so that takes up a lot of time!

I'll enjoy our visits and will leave it at that.

That’s right op.

If your mil really wanted more time she would visit.

Also your time is already split between there grandparent house holds.

Add the U.K. is not your birth home to you want to involve your child in your home culture.

This leaves you with near zero time for just general life on days off from work.

Don’t underestimate the fucked-upness of divorced parents even all those years later. There will likely be an element of the MIL being bothered by ex-partner “getting more time” purely out of competition rather than actually caring. I speak from someone with divorced parents so my kids also have 3 sets of GPs. 2 local and 1 set far away. Any noises from anyone are swiftly ignored or given short shrift.

@Bridesmaidorexfriend I just think any half decent GP would think it was unfair they got every Christmas

So glad to hear it 😊❤️

Christmas Day with a grandchild is a special experience and I would want to enable all GPs to have had this.

Thank you all so much for your replies, didn't expect so many! Just to say I'm not going to revisit this thread as I've got a busy day tomorrow and got lots of input. Wishing you all a good night.

Why can't they come to you? I assume they are post retirement and could come anytime and it wouldn't need to be school holidays.

I’d consider rotating who you spend Christmas with and of course the abroad gps can always visit for Christmas.

If I was a gp I’d like to occasionally have the chance to see close family on that day.

I think we all know Easter just isn’t the same

The visits are heavily loaded towards gp3, swapping Christmas about makes it a little more equal

Half decent grandparents? My mum has no business getting involved in how much I see my in laws. That’s between me and my wife and her parents.

They spend school holidays in OPs country of birth. As a family that’s their choice and they’re not a toy that needs sharing equally. Everyone would be a lot happier if they treated people as independent and autonomous beings. I don’t have to spend time with my parents or in laws. I choose to. So if you start demanding your fair share of my time I’m going to tell you to piss off. I like spending time with my family but I’m not sacrificing something important to me to make sure that people are getting equal time or equal christmases

All of this is spot on - I came on to say much the same, but won’t say it better.

If we set aside the fact that “fairness” isn’t the best way to look at it, I think I’d cut the sums a bit differently if I were to think in terms of splitting a pie. You don’t actually have three sets of grandparents; you and DH both have parents and you are making time for all of them. So I wouldn’t think of it in terms of dividing by 3, but by 4 - put crassly, why should your parents see less of you/your son because your DH’s parents require separate visits? On a different calculation, each grandparent would get a share - it’s just that your parents are happy to combine their shares.

But - as a pp aptly put it - you’re not a pie. If it works for you and your DH, that’s what matters here. You don’t owe anyone your time.

I think that's a lot. Don't you have time to yourselves?

Yes that was my point right at the beginning. Even though the OP wants to spend time in her home country, do they never get a holiday anywhere else - whether elsewhere in her home country or somewhere else entirely?

If I had to pick to 'be' one of the grandparent options you've listed, I'd want to be Grandparent 3 .. the Grandparent(s) you clearly want to spend the most time with and make the effor/time/spend to do so. They get Christmas (probably a week or so), 4 individual weeks a year minimum, and the entire summer holidays which would be another 6+ weeks. And you bend over backwards to get there ... you have to fly with children to do it. That's over 75 days a year....even though they live the farthest.

So you clearly do have a favourite and I can understand why Gp 2 is unhappy ... a mere hour away by car and they get 12 day visits a year maybe...

That said, I won't say it's 'unfair' ... the relationships are what they are. And the grandparents who get those 75 plus days a year are OP's parents and they clearly have a close relationship ... and still live in OP's home country that OP clearly also wants to have her children spend time in. Is what it is...

So do GPs3 live somewhere that you enjoy - I’m thinking South of France. So your time with them saves is your holiday?

My own experience of family life is that there is no fairness but there is effort. Effort gets noticed and remembered.

In the OPs case I think that she should not taking the emotional weight and so feeling responsible. It is for her DH to encourage the GPs to visit (like the child care they are offering) and maybe visit without OP.