AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

This was your first contribution @Thechaseison71

The poster was saying that the scenario is worse that his best friend is female.

Seems a fairly reasonable point to me

I just can’t imagine having such woeful communication skills with my husband that my response was to pull a face but then not say anything more

And I asked why? Even if he's been best friends with the husband he's still invited a whole family along.

Yes

the post was pointing out it is “worse” that female best friend.

why? Because presuming he is heterosexual it introduces the possibility that there’s more to the scenario than if it was a man.

But if he's going to shag her he can do it anytime. In fact would be easier than with both their families away on a safari together. Will they be creeping into each other's lodges or doing in in the jeep?

And the OPs post was about him having invited a whole family not whether they are having an affair. That's been made up by posters on here
Wonder how married bisexual people manage. No friends allowed at all?

That post you have just quoted me on has not got any information about myself lol.

that's what I mean by equal veto. The husband's wish to include his "friend" and her family does not outweigh the OP's right to say no and to uninvite then or to make her husband uninvite them.

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OMG wrong thread!

My closest friend is also a man & he is my husband. He respects me more than to galavant about with another woman & I offer him the same. Close emotional bonds with a member of the opposite sex are affairs. It doesnt have to involve sex. We both have aquaintances with the opposite sex through work. If it's work related we have no issue with meeting for lunch. Other than that our friends both single & in couples are completely mutual. It has absolutely nothing to do with control or trust & everything to do with respect for boundaries.

What a lovely bit of victim blaming you just did there.

Women are not responsible for men's poor behaviour. There are plenty of very valid reasons why some women struggle to communicate their needs, irritation or feelings to men. None of those tend to be the actual fault of the women themselves.

I’d be cancelling the whole thing.

Your H is a presumptuous twat

I really hate conflict and arguing

And that's why your husband just does whatever the fuck he wants with zero concerns about how you feel. He does things like this because he always gets away with it and you invariably give in and let him have his own way because you don't like to disagree with him. He's walking all over you, and I suspect this is just one example of many.

I completely understand that it's difficult to have these conversations if you're a really, really non-confrontational, conflict-averse person, but you absolutely do need to learn to be a lot more assertive. It's incredible to me that you're having to even ask whether it's OK for one's husband to invite HIS best friend on a family holiday that YOU are paying for WITHOUT EVEN ASKING YOU FIRST. You must, surely, have been able to see that wasn't OK before you posted??

I really hate conflict and arguing

How is it conflict to expect your husband to discuss a big decision with you?

You're so passive or ground down or scared you can't even tell him how you feel about him inviting a whole other family on your dream trip that you're paying for.

Are you afraid he's going to leave you if you tell him it was inappropriate to invite his bestie and her family without even asking you?

I think your husband is a jackass and I'd be canceling the trip and putting that money towards the kids or counseling. He wants to share the trip you pay for with his bestie. Yeah, I'd be fucking pissed about planning and paying for a trip for he and bestie. He seems to be prioritizing her on your back. This was special to you as a family thing and he's included bestie in that special once in a lifetime trip without even asking you. That shit would not fly. I think this cones under an emotional affair. He gets something special for you and him and he automatically includes her without even asking you. That's a mindset where he's got her on the same level, if not over you, in his life.

How very restrictive. I'm solo these days, but even when I was with my kids' mum (for 30 years) I always maintained my friendships with women, whether they be married, single, partnered-up, whatever. Friends are friends. I still have a number of close friendships with women who I have no intentions of trying to have an affair with. They're just friends. I'm still friends with my kids' mum.

I'm all for respect for boundaries, but your definition of friendship sounds ridiculously narrow. A close friendship with someone of the opposite sex doesn't equate to an affair at all, how absurd.

Each to their own. Personally I can't imagine my husband calling me after work & saying I won't be home for dinner. I forgot I have a dinner date with Lisa. We may go for a couple of drinks afterwards so don't expect me home early.

There is no chance I would say have a lovely time. I've a pile of washing to catch up with tonight. 😂

How did the talk go with your husband @SleepySquirre1 ?

I would tell him in no uncertain terms "This is our family holiday, it's a big one, one that we're really excited about. I do not want to go with friends, so please rescind the invitation immediately". Obviously he won't like that, if he says anything just tell him he should have discussed it with you and your DC first. Then tell him that if he doesn't tell them they are not coming on your trip, then you will - and mean it!

Oh stop it.

That’s great if not having opposite sex friends works for you in your marriage. Each to their own!

However are you saying my guy mate is having an affair with me by being close friends with me? If so - that’s absolute nonsense.

Exactly. Completely ridiculous! I couldn’t believe what I was reading.

It sounds like something Mitt Romney or some republican “Christian” nationalist would say.

When I first met my friends now wife (then girlfriend) I thought we were all going to go spend the day together. They were visiting the UK and we had met up in a city close to mine.

She knew we hadn’t seen each other in years and actively encouraged us to go for a walk and catch up on our own, then meet up with her later, while she explored the city.

I am glad she doesn’t think like that poster. Ten years on and I count her as my friend too but it didn’t start out like that.

Yep. I was raised with two older brothers and they’re the same. Always have had female friends whether they or their friends are single or partnered.

I don’t subscribe to the whole men can never be friends with women thing. However I feel it’s fine if that policy works for a couple. As maybe some know they will be tempted or they’re with the type of men to only see value in women if it’s sexual so they know no way can it be a genuine friendship. Or they’re just not comfortable for any other reason.

What I find odd is grand statements suggesting others who choose to be close friends with a man or woman are in some kind of affair if one or both of them is not single.