AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

Hahahahaha! The unhinged are out in force on this thread. Pure gold 😂😍

This is sad OP. It sounds like he runs right over you.

Instead of him being concerned and probing deeper into why you don’t look thrilled, he essentially just tells you to fix your face.

This man doesn’t care about your feelings. I think if you reflect on your marriage you’ll see there’s a pattern of this.

The fact you’re being so passive about it and hesitant to raise the issue and he doesn’t seem bothered you weren’t happy about it shows the condition of your relationship.

@SleepySquirre1 is the main breadwinner, as per her OP.

Re. His friend being a woman well one of my best friends is a guy. Let’s call him Jack.

I’ve known Jack since I was 21, he’s now in his early 40s and he got married around 7 years ago and had two kids during the pandemic . When he relocated to the UK a few years back he invited me to spend Christmas with him and his family. I hadn’t told him but I think he realises I don’t have a good relationship with my own family hence the invite.

I was hesitant due to fear of intruding but decided to accept as I would’ve been alone otherwise, so I thought why not and mainly because I really wanted to see him and meet his new family.

I had my reservations due to how things are perceived when single women are close with married men but luckily his wife is so kind to me and knows there’s nothing going on. If she was worried about me I’d back off completely.

I see Jack as a brother and thankfully I’m not his type at all so I don’t suspect him of harbouring any secret crush on me.

So yeah I do think men and women (even single ones!) can be close friends , but I appreciate things are not always as they seem and many people have got blind
sided before due to naivety. I can only speak to my own experience.

This has to be made up? Does the friend’s kids look like DH at all?

My closest friend is a man. We do not fancy each other. People saying this is never possible are over extrapolating from their own experience.

However in the OPs situation the husband is being a dick, inappropriate feelings or not, he's valuing this other woman over his wife.

Nah. Nobody said it's "never" possible just incredibly unlikely. Because it is.

And we're extrapolating based on all of human history 😅No need to project your own issues onto others.

Oof. Now there's a thought. It's all just yuck, but I admit I find the OP incredibly irritating. I just cannot abide weak willed women who let men drive a bulldozer over their feelings - and in this case allow their husband to spoil the holiday for their kids too.

I used to pity women like this, now they piss me off.

Yeah I went to uni back in the noughties. Many guys and girls were friends with each other at my uni.

My best mate Jack I mentioned in the previous post was from uni.

Several of my social circle I still keep in touch with, or at least remain on their social media I can see have maintained close friends with opposite sex friends from the same uni we all attended.

Same goes for some friendships between men and women from my first few jobs . It’s not rare in my network for men and women to be close mates.

I’m now late 30s and I accept I probably won’t develop any more genuine friendships with men, but I think the ones formed in school/uni / early 20s between men and women often do often stay platonic.

I’m really sorry this has happened- just what in the world was he thinking? If this happened to me I would be absolutely blooming raging!

You mentioned he is ‘the more the merrier’ type of person - does he like the party atmosphere with the extended group? Does he engage in having a good drink with the other parents? It seems he has different ideas about what a holiday is about. Such an awkward position to be in but you shouldn’t t have to sacrifice your holiday ideals because he’s been a complete arse.

I completely agree with you. The issue is that the DH invited another family to come on a holiday, without speaking to his DW first.

Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked, because neither of us would want to damage the long lasting friendship over this.

If you are good friends then your DH uninviting them shouldn't be an issue. It shows a lack of respect that he didn't talk to you before inviting his friend.

He has neither respect nor regard for you.
Its all about what he wants.
No way would I be funding suchba holiday.
Tell him crack on with saving.
Only a mug would go along with this.

This is bad OP, you’re the third wheel.
Why are you so easy going about this?

Honestly, it sounds like he enjoys the company of his best friend more than he does yours. It feels like he also cares more about her wishes. I would absolutely not be okay about this in your shoes, and I agree that you're somewhat in denial here.

I think it's his wishes he cares about - he wants his female friend there. This is coming from him which makes it worse. He wants her there and won't tolerate a no from his actual wife. Naughty naughty. I asked my husband to see what he thought..like do men and women see it differently. Absolutely not. He immediately picked up on the woman best friend thing as suss and said unacceptable for wife to pay. Either the other family doesn't come or cancel trip

Oh and you don't "ask" him to uninvite his "friend" and her family. You message them directly and tell them of course they won't be coming. Be as polite as you like, if you must.

If you go ahead with this, you deserve the shit holiday you will have. I do feel sorry for your kids though.

Wow! 😳
Maybe try offering advice without making it so personal. 🤦‍♀️

Wow! Maybe try not to be a sanctimonious, pearl clutching nitwit and taking everything so personally 😂😅

Thanks for bumping my post though :)

I really would say to him you overstepped the mark it has ruined the holiday I thought we were having- so to make me feel better you pay for it. And when you get the reaction just say in a patronising tone "oh dont look like that". And from your other posts you say he would not want to upset you- if that were true he would have discussed it with you first. Because you do not like conflict what he wants is more important than you. You will probably go along with them coming so I hope you are able to still enjoy the holiday :-)

100% agree. Either the other family is uninvited, or the holiday is cancelled. These are the only options I would consider. I would chose not to go, rather than fund an expensive situation not of my own making.

Either the other family is uninvited, or the holiday is cancelled. These are the only options I would consider. I would chose not to go, rather than fund an expensive situation not of my own making.

Totally this. Any updates, OP?

He either tells the friends he messed up, or you tell her.

Either cancel the holiday or make him pay for the entire holiday. If he wants to have an ‘amazing holiday plus getting to share it with people he loves spending time with’ then he needs to pay for the accommodation and flights and safari. Don’t pay another penny.

and he'd say "yeah yeah of course I wouldn't mind" and be lying in his teeth

He’s known her as long as he’s known me and she genuinely is probably his closest friend.

This sentence just keeps repeating and repeating in my head.

In the majority of cases where a husband has a strong enough relationship with a female friend to want them to come on holiday with them, they will have known that woman at least from college, if not since childhood. And surely, before he met his future wife?

He met each of you at the same time. At the time he was going out with you, he was developing the strongest friendship in his life with another woman. And now you are going to accept her being invited on the holiday you are paying for so as not to damage his relationship with her.

This just feels so wrong.