AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

I agree:

"Sara, @SleepySquirre1 and I are going on safari to Kenya with the kids next summer at a cost of about £40k. Want to join?"

Riiiight ... 🙄

well unless he's gay.......

Jesus Christ no!!! I hate it when people think this and suddenly you’re going out in a big group rather than a nice catch up with a friend

I think OP has given up trying to stand her ground because she knows it’s futile as he gets incredibly defensive and starts an argument or give her the silent treatment until she can’t bear it any longer and concedes defeat.

yeah, I bet he has his little foibles but he's a "lovely dad"

Have read your replies but not everyone elses. If I were you I would uninvited the friends. If you talked it through with them, told them he’s not actually spoken to yiu at all about it, and how much it means to you to make memories as the four of you, I think they would understand. I know if this happened to me and someone just told me that honestly; I would totally get it and totally not want to jump on the trip. My husband does stuff like this all the time - just doesn’t get these nuances and is also a more the merrier guy! It’s a lovely trait in many ways but this is the tricker side of that one coin!! I’m sure he’ll understand and them too. You could always show him this thread so he gets it! Those memories and times jist the four are so important and won’t be around forever. Xxx

If he knew you weren’t happy when he originally said it I think you’re giving him way more credit than he is due. If that were my husband he’d have asked me after ‘you didn’t look happy when I said I’d invited x’ and we’d have had a discussion about it. It sounds like he’s happy for you to work your arse off and isn’t bothered one bit that you’re not happy with his decision.

Please do speak up and let him know how you feel. It may be nothing has been formalised and without him mentioning it again they won’t book it.
Also if you don’t tell him how you feel then there’s every chance this will happen again.
Also I would imagine the resentment would build as you are making so many sacrifices to have the dream holiday that suddenly doesn’t feel quite as shiny.
im sure if it hasn’t been booked he can just say to them that on reflection you’d rather it was a family trip and that you’ll do something else together.

'...his best friend, and her husband....?'

Hmmm...

I really hate the faux confusion and naivety in posts like yours. Of course it makes a difference.

Absolutely this. My husband and I cherish our time together as a couple and as a family because life is busy. Full of commitments and pleasing other people - family, friends, work etc. Holidays are time for us to spend alone as a family.
We’ve got friends who literally won’t go anywhere as a 4 - they have to go with other people and it really highlights that things aren’t great between them as a couple. Sad for their kids.

Fuck his friendship, that's so deep and meaningful he can have long chats about how you will go along with their plans for YOUR holiday that YOU are paying for.

Obviously this ridiculous nonsense won't be happening, there won't be a long talk, you will stop pretending that having normal feelings means you're not being "calm" and stop letting him bully and gaslight you, and you will be saying"Don't be daft, you don't get to invite some other woman's family on our family trip without even asking me! It's a family trip, if you don't want to come with your family I will take my kids and you can pay to take your friend somewhere else instead"

Or words to that effect.

Otherwise, sign up for your "Pathetic doormat" tattoo across your forehead today.

My dh did this once - l went fucking nuts at him and he did the puppy eyed oh but l thought you like them? I did but not enough to go away with them. Anyway they came on my 40th birthday holiday and it was fine but would have been better without them. He never did it again but years later l still haven't forgiven him.

It’s also weird. As though one’s own family isn’t ever enough. Where does this end? Surely most people can recognise that the dynamics are different and that not everything is better when experienced in a crowd.

OP, cancel this holiday as it is ruined for you now. Rebook a similar one or the same one but with different dates and stipulate to your DH that it is ONLY for you, him and your two children.

I would also bring it up when you are next in the company of both your DH’s best friend AND her husband. Something along the lines of “ How daft was DH NAME! Asking BEST FRIEND’S NAME if you all could come with us without checking with me first. Anyway we had to change dates/destination so that sorts that out. Men eh! What are they like.” This will get your point across nicely.

And by the way, he absolutely knows you didn't want this, but he wants it far more than he wants you to be happy.

Of course he does, unless he is brain damaged in some way. Amazing how he functions perfectly well all the time, moves through society functioning well, has a job, interacts with loads of people and is a fully paid up member of society - except when it comes to doing really shit things to his wife. Then, all of a sudden, he's clueless.

Stop being a doormat, it's truly pathetic, and never works out well for the one who's having boots wiped on their face.

Not discussing it with you is wild to be honest. I can’t imagine any world where my husband would invite people to our family holiday without consulting me first. This should have been a joint decision. Not surprised you feel miffed and sad about it. Even if he uninvited them you’ll now feel bad over that too! All around just a bad move from him. I would let him know how you feel.

My husband did something similar but thankfully it was only a week away in the UK. I went ballistic and made him cancel the invitation. He sulked for a bit. ..but We went and had a lovely time. No way would I want friends along on a holiday of a lifetime....

Since it's your husbands' holiday now, shouldn't he assume the responsibility of the rest of the planning and paying for?

If my husband hadn't cancelled the invite I would have gone on the holiday and I know I'd have been in a mood the entire time n really wouldn't have enjoyed it. You need to get him to cancel the invite.

Not the more the merrier if you don’t want to holiday with friends. ‘Big’ holidays are for me and my immediate family. That’s how we like it. Having other people tag along wouldn’t make it better.

Honestly @SleepySquirre1 I would be absolutely furious in your shoes. How dare your DH do this without talking to you first?

If they’ve already booked, I would cancel. If not, your DH can tell them that after discussing it with you, you have both decided you want just a family holiday.

You can’t go along with something so important to you, just to keep everyone else happy.

one of the things that most surprises me reading mumsnet is the lack of communication that exists in so many relationships.

it is usually explained away by saying ‘i don’t like confrontation’, but there should be no reason for confrontation when you’re voicing your opinion or simply stating your preference or disagreement about something.

it should just lead to a conversation between two equal adults.

Id be asked do why he wants his female best friend to come along on what should be a family holiday. I would be going mental. If youve only paid the deposit id be cancelling immediately and rethinking my marriage to this idiot

I don't think it's about the gender, it's personal preference. My DH wouldn't mind if I invited my male friend and his family, he's a more the merrier type and extroverted. I'm the opposite and would not be happy with it.