Would you be ok with being celibate 56?

[TimeForWineAndSun]

DH and me always have had mismatched sex drives. Mine average. His low. I am now 56 and he’s 53. Sex has now ground to a halt. I’m obviously unhappy with that but menopause has meant that I can live with it (just). But I do miss it! Is 56 an ok age to just hang up my boots?

How about 51 …? 😄

It’s been 9 years and I don’t miss it.

Would he consider therapy for both of you, if sex is something you’re not ready to give up?

Well im 36 and haven’t had sex in 10 years but for different reasons

I wouldn't be happy. I've been in a couple of sexless relationships and while it's doable and has perks of its own, I'd be damned if I end up in one of those again.

Would I be ok with it? No. I’m 57 and despite perimenopause (not quite finished) still have a sex drive that is very central to my life.

I would however probably be better able to cope now than when I was younger. I’d be inclined to try and distract myself tbh - I find the more I think about sex, the more I want it. I’m assuming at some point in my life I will stop either wanting or having sex, or dp will - eventually most of us have to find a way through it.

The alternative I guess is to talk; to find out how he is feeling about it and whether he would be ok with alternatives.

How long have you been married?

I think it wouldn't be ok if you were younger. But if the marriage is otherwise good, then at this age, I'd not be as concerned. Moving on, finding someone new and stable is going to be more of a challenge. Not impossible, but more difficult and there are no guarantees the other important elements of a marriage will be there. Think also that your health can also change at any time.

I don't think you should be thinking about this in terms of age and asking others about their perceptions of what is acceptable at a particular age. You should focus on what is important for you and how to make the most of your relationship with your husband. If your husband has always had a low sex drive, I'm curious about why you married him? Why did you stay with him? Are those reasons no longer valid and something has changed for you? Are you able to satisfy yourself whilst getting touch and love from, for example, massages from your husband? I understand why you are looking for opinions from others, but you will get a split of people saying 'no, awful couldn't live like that' and others saying they don't miss sex at all... but what about you? What is it that you are missing in particular and is there any way of satisfying yourself and keeping the connection with your husband? It is impossible to force him to suddenly change his sex drive after all these years, so it's really for you to work out what you really want. You probably should take this to therapy - no one can say what is or should be acceptable for you, so it's something you need to work through with someone other than your husband.

Only you can answer whats right for you. If you're happy with decades of enforced celibacy then you'll be fine.

Personally I definitely wouldn't be happy. I'm the same age as you and I don't know what I'd do in your situation apart from get very frustrated and unhappy. I've currently got my dh up to 2-3 times a week which is great 😁.

Could you speak with your dh to try and appeal to him? Get him on a health kick to get the sap rising?

If he wanted sex with me every day, and did things to arouse me, I would definitely be up for it. But the thing is that just doesn’t happen. So I feel like I’ve kind of died inside. When I was younger, I felt that it bothered me more but now I am thinking well, you are 56 anyway so things probably would drop off at this point anyway. It’s hard. I still dream about having sex. Not sure what to do to be honest. My sex drive is definitely way lower than it was say three years ago. I just miss it, you know?

It doesn’t matter about other people, it matters about you and DH. I’m fine with it. But the two of you need to discuss and agree together, doing the best you can for each other,

No. I'm 51 DH 63, still very active.

Been celibate for past five years..... menopause killed my sex life off. Now I just can't be bothered with dating. No one interested in friends only

I'm similar age and have been celibate since my early 30s.
But it's how you feel that matters.

This sounds perfect. 👌 Last time we had sex was about 6 weeks ago on holiday, he couldn’t get it up, so we finished me off another way. Prior to that the last time we had sex was December. He hasn’t ejaculated in about a year!! I find this totally ridiculous!!

I was done mid-40s. Don't miss it one bit.

Currently going through a horrible divorce in my early thirties. I miss sex but I can’t imagine letting anyone near me again.

I feel more alive than ever since menopause is properly over. I thought I might care less, but I also have dreams, sex drive, and opportunities.

Whether the marriage is over is so much more complex than this, but the thought of lying in bed wishing to be touched sounds horrible to me.

Is he interested in any type of revival, he could take Viagra for his lack of oomph for starters? I'd look to create more intimacy full stop, by which I mean touch, appreciation, hugs, and eventually sex, these things all go together for me. I've found Bruce Mazik's course on this very good, it's about revitalising the whole marriage but that then knocks on elsewhere. It might be a dead end though if he's not that fussed, I think he'd have to be onboard to shift anything.

That sounds really tough, I'm sorry. Could your DH have any underlying heath problems?

If your husband has always had a low sex drive, I'm curious about why you married him? Why did you stay with him? Are those reasons no longer valid and something has changed for you?

I would see this as a serious problem. It does look at least as if you can discuss it and perhaps look at therapy or use of viagara or similar?

It wouldn’t bother me but then I have no real interest in sex anyway.

You don’t sound to me OP like you want to hang up your boots .
I think you need to sit & chat with your husband & figure out how to fix this .
Best of luck with it all x

I think its too soon - you've only got a few good years of sex left

Take a lover x

Single yes. In a relationship no.

I would persuade your DH to get a health check if he’s not getting erections. That can be a sign of heart or circulation issues.

In answer to your question I’m in my mid-60s and I still enjoy sex at least once a week. So I wouldn’t be happy to have been celibate for the past decade.

it's ok